Home→Forums→Relationships→Just broke up with my girlfriend of 6 months
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Nick.
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November 9, 2023 at 2:28 pm #424886
Nick
ParticipantWell me and my girlfriend had a great dynamic in our 6 month relationship. She was the first girl I dated after not dating anyone for like 8 years after I got out of the military. Well there was one other girl but we only went on a couple dates. So that really didn’t count.
We enjoyed each other’s company. We did baseball games, concerts. We sent each other tik toks or funny memes. I gave her open access to alot of things in my life. The key to my place a couple weeks in. My phone password. Then everything kind of was off and on. She went through my phone. Saw I had not deleted some dating sites from like years ago. She compared me to her ex’s and said she never had issues with them deleting there dating stuff as soon as we were official. I apologized and I thought I took care of it. But a few months after the first time she went through my stuff she found some other sites. Again I apologized and we almost broke up over that. The third time she found some stuff in my social on my Gmail. I had no idea about that folder but she didn’t believe me. She also made a point to go through my browser history and there were some things she didn’t like there. So that is what ended our relationship. We were talking like on and off again for a few weeks. She did the unfriend me on facebook and snap chat and refriend me then unfriend me. Our last conversation was a week prior to the last few things I sent. I had been doing a lot of thinking for weeks over the whole phone stuff. Had a bad day at work. Well, if we never talk or see each other again. You take care. I will remember the past 6 months for a while. Waking up in bed next to you. The smile on your face. The way you smell. Dancing with you at the Lyons day concert. The Nickleback concert. The family reunion. Making dinner for you and breakfast. When you were still in bed. The brewers games with you and my cousin. But most of all I will remember being betrayed by my best friend and loverover stuff I had subscribed to over the course of being in the military for 15 years. Being back in Wisconsin and not dating anyone for 8 years. I gave you my all, and apparently, that was not enough. You take care and enjoy being on the outside looking in. I also sent her a text thanking her for blocking me so I don’t have to see what loser she dates next. As well as the Jelly roll song “Somebody Save Me” and said that was for her. I unloaded on her and I regret doing that. With all my heart. Now I can’t even apologize I am blocked on all fronts. And she probably will never speak to me again. She also filed a formal hr complaint which I can’t blame her. Since I had an emotional melt down.
November 10, 2023 at 9:16 am #424930anita
ParticipantDear Nick:
You shared that you served 15 years in the military. For about 8 years following your release from the military you went on only 2 dates, and then you met your now ex-girlfriend, had a 6-months relationship with her and just broke up.
You gave her the key to my place a couple weeks into the relationship. You gave her your phone password (I assume she asked for your password. I wonder what reason she gave you for asking, and why you gave it to her).
“She went through my phone… she went through my stuff… she found some stuff in my social on my Gmail… She also made a point to go through my browser history“- my goodness, she acted like a detective looking for evidence against you, and she did it repeatedly throughout the relationship, from beginning to end.
“Saw I had not deleted some dating sites from like years ago… I apologized… Again I apologized.. She did the unfriend me on Facebook and snap chat and refriend me then unfriend me… I had an emotional melt down“- it doesn’t surprise me that a searched, interrogated, unfriended, re-friended and unfriended-again man will have a melt down. Seems like you entered the relationship as a Guilty Man, in her mind, and she was looking for proof all along, that you are indeed guilty.
Her behavior is not unusual for women who were betrayed in their past, projecting their distrust into future men. Basically, you paid the price for someone else who betrayed her, someone you don’t even know.
“.…But most of all I will remember being betrayed by my best friend and lover over stuff I had subscribed to over the course of being in the military for 15 years. Being back in Wisconsin and not dating anyone for 8 years. I gave you my all, and apparently, that was not enough“- you gave her your honest thoughts and feelings.. and you were indeed betrayed by the woman who falsely accused you of betraying her.
“I unloaded on her and I regret doing that… She also filed a formal hr complaint which I can’t blame her“- I didn’t notice any abusive unloading on your part.. what is it exactly that you regret, and what was the HR complaint about?
You don’t have to answer, of course. Share only what you feel comfortable sharing.
anita
November 10, 2023 at 1:21 pm #424937Nick
ParticipantWell i sent like three text on the same day. This was one of them.
Well, if we never talk or see each other again. You take care. I will remember the past 6 months for a while. Waking up in bed next to you. The smile on your face. The way you smell. Dancing with you at the Lyons day concert. The Nickleback concert. The family reunion. Making dinner for you and breakfast. When you were still in bed. The brewers games with you and my cousin. But most of all I will remember being betrayed by my best friend and loverover stuff I had subscribed to over the course of being in the military for 15 years. Being back in Wisconsin and not dating anyone for 8 years. I gave you my all, and apparently, that was not enough. You take care and enjoy being on the outside looking in.
Then after she blocked me on fb I said. Good now i don’t have to see your endless turn style of losers you date. And then the Jelly Roll video Somebody Save me and added. That song suits you. In all honesty I did harass her which i mean i could say hello and someone could say that was harassment.
I appreciate the support and feedback thank you.
November 10, 2023 at 7:02 pm #424947anita
ParticipantDear Nick: I will read your second post and reply Sat morning.
anita
November 10, 2023 at 10:23 pm #424948Nick
Participant- Thank you Anita. I appreciate the feedback and support.
November 11, 2023 at 9:02 am #424949anita
ParticipantDear Nick:
You are very welcome.
And thank you (!!!) for your military service! Yesterday, the day you started your thread, was the Marine Corp Birthday (248), and today, as I reply to you, is Veteran Day 11-11-2023. First year it was celebrated was 1951 (I just checked).
Now, to what you shared yesterday more in great detail (I am adding the boldface feature to the quotes below):
“Well me and my girlfriend had a great dynamic in our 6 month relationship”- except for the dynamic where you were repeatedly more of a Suspect than a Boyfriend, according to her behavior; a dynamic where she asserted a (non-existing) moral superiority over you.. and you accepted it.
“She went through my phone. Saw I had not deleted some dating sites from like years ago. She compared me to her ex’s and said she never had issues with them deleting there dating stuff as soon as we were official. I apologized and I thought I took care of it. But“-
– she was in charge, the one in control.. the moral police, so to speak. She says it’s morally wrong to have any dating sites record of years ago on your phone, once you are in a committed relationship and.. so it is; no one ever gave her any issues in regard to this rule.. and neither should you (is her message). You accepted her non-existing moral superiority and apologized.
But wait.. is it moral for her to go through your phone.. is this moral behavior?
“A few months after the first time she went through my stuff she found some other sites. Again I apologized“- the moral police in repeat operation, asserting yet again her alleged moral superiority over you and you, again, submitting by apologizing. The dynamic: she accuses, you apologize.
“The third time she found some stuff in my social on my Gmail. I had no idea about that folder but she didn’t believe me. She also made a point to go through my browser history and there were some things she didn’t like there. So that is what ended our relationship”- she found some stuff because she looked for some stuff against the alleged Suspect.
But why were you in the position of Suspect.. and why is it that you did not have the password to her accounts, looking for any years-ago dating site activity on her part…?
“We were talking like on and off again for a few weeks. She did the unfriend me on Facebook and snap chat and refriend me then unfriend me”- not what a friend would do…
“Our last conversation was a week prior to the last few things I sent. I had been doing a lot of thinking for weeks over the whole phone stuff. Had a bad day at work… I sent like three text on the same day. This was one of them. ‘Well, if we never talk or see each other again. You take care. I will remember the past 6 months for a while. Waking up in bed next to you. The smile on your face…. But most of all I will remember being betrayed by my best friend and lover over stuff I had subscribed to over the course of being in the military for 15 years. Being back in Wisconsin and not dating anyone for 8 years. I gave you my all, and apparently, that was not enough“- you gave her all your love but she wanted to punish you for sins you did not commit. There is nothing abusive about this part of your text quoted here.
“I also sent her a text thanking her for blocking me so I don’t have to see what loser she dates next“- not abusive either on your part: you really were the loser in the relationship with her and she is very likely to do the same to the next guy she dates.
“As well as the Jelly roll song ‘Somebody Save Me‘ and said that was for her… and added. That song suits you” -I looked it up the lyrics to the song:
“One, two, three- Somebody save me, me from myself- I’ve spent so long living in Hell- They say my lifestyle is bad for my health- It’s the only thing that seems to help- All of this drinkin’ and smokin’ is hopeless- But feel like it’s all that I need Somethin’ inside of me’s broken- I hold on to anything that sets me free- I’m a lost cause- Baby, don’t waste your time on me
I’m so damaged beyond repair- Life has shattered my hopes and my dreams-… What if the night sky was missin’ the moon?-
There were no shootin’ stars to use wishin’ on you- And all of my sorrows, I’d just wash them down- It’s the only peace, I’ve ever found- …I’m so damaged beyond repair- Life has shattered my hopes and my dreams”--Sad and so true for many millions of people all over the world. We are all damaged and broken to one extent or another, some more than others. The damage starts in childhood and it often escalates from there. My personal responsibility as a damaged, broken person is to not pass on the damage: to not damage and break other people just because I am. The sky not having had shooting stars for me, does not give me the.. moral right to extinguish other people’s shooting stars. There are enough people out there extinguishing lights.I am sure that you experienced troubles in life before you met her, and when you started a relationship with her.. she was your hopes and dreams, your shooting stars. What did she do? She extinguished the light in your sky by making you a Suspect and punishing you for what you were not guilty of. It is a far too common dynamic in relationships.“I unloaded on her and I regret doing that. With all my heart. Now I can’t even apologize I am blocked on all fronts. And she probably will never speak to me again. She also filed a formal hr complaint which I can’t blame her”- I didn’t yet read of any abusive words or behaviors on your part. I assume there are offensive things you said or did that you didn’t share about, and that’s okay.
I hurt people who did not at all deserve it and I regret it. The guilt for hurting people who did nothing to me has been very heavy in me. Living with Guilt (in capital G, it started as an invalid guilt which my mother established inside me as a child, repeatedly accusing me of things I was NOT guilty of) has been, for me, (using the song’s lyrics) “living in Hell“. I didn’t feel that I, a bad, Guilty person, deserved to pursue “my hopes and my dreams“. Eventually I figured out that we all live in a world that is so troubled and has been troubled for so long, that we are all broken and damaged, and we all pass or have passed on the damage to the next generation and to other people around us, in one way, be it in a relatively mild way or in severe ways.. not all forgivable. I figured that my wrong doings are not in the category of unforgivable, not if I do all that I can in the present and for the rest of my life to do right by other people.
anita
November 11, 2023 at 9:05 am #424950anita
ParticipantI will try to fix the format by re-submitting:
Dear Nick:
You are very welcome.
And thank you (!!!) for your military service! Yesterday, the day you started your thread, was the Marine Corp Birthday (248), and today, as I reply to you, is Veteran Day 11-11-2023. First year it was celebrated was 1951 (I just checked).
Now, to what you shared yesterday more in great detail (I am adding the boldface feature to the quotes below):
“Well me and my girlfriend had a great dynamic in our 6 month relationship”- except for the dynamic where you were repeatedly more of a Suspect than a Boyfriend, according to her behavior; a dynamic where she asserted a (non-existing) moral superiority over you.. and you accepted it.
“She went through my phone. Saw I had not deleted some dating sites from like years ago. She compared me to her ex’s and said she never had issues with them deleting there dating stuff as soon as we were official. I apologized and I thought I took care of it. But“-
– she was in charge, the one in control.. the moral police, so to speak. She says it’s morally wrong to have any dating sites record of years ago on your phone, once you are in a committed relationship and.. so it is; no one ever gave her any issues in regard to this rule.. and neither should you (is her message). You accepted her non-existing moral superiority and apologized.
But wait.. is it moral for her to go through your phone.. is this moral behavior?
“A few months after the first time she went through my stuff she found some other sites. Again I apologized“- the moral police in repeat operation, asserting yet again her alleged moral superiority over you and you, again, submitting by apologizing. The dynamic: she accuses, you apologize.
“The third time she found some stuff in my social on my Gmail. I had no idea about that folder but she didn’t believe me. She also made a point to go through my browser history and there were some things she didn’t like there. So that is what ended our relationship”- she found some stuff because she looked for some stuff against the alleged Suspect.
But why were you in the position of Suspect.. and why is it that you did not have the password to her accounts, looking for any years-ago dating site activity on her part…?
“We were talking like on and off again for a few weeks. She did the unfriend me on Facebook and snap chat and refriend me then unfriend me”- not what a friend would do…
“Our last conversation was a week prior to the last few things I sent. I had been doing a lot of thinking for weeks over the whole phone stuff. Had a bad day at work… I sent like three text on the same day. This was one of them. ‘Well, if we never talk or see each other again. You take care. I will remember the past 6 months for a while. Waking up in bed next to you. The smile on your face…. But most of all I will remember being betrayed by my best friend and lover over stuff I had subscribed to over the course of being in the military for 15 years. Being back in Wisconsin and not dating anyone for 8 years. I gave you my all, and apparently, that was not enough“- you gave her all your love but she wanted to punish you for sins you did not commit. There is nothing abusive about this part of your text quoted here.
“I also sent her a text thanking her for blocking me so I don’t have to see what loser she dates next“- not abusive either on your part: you really were the loser in the relationship with her and she is very likely to do the same to the next guy she dates.
“As well as the Jelly roll song ‘Somebody Save Me‘ and said that was for her… and added. That song suits you” -I looked it up the lyrics to the song:
“One, two, three- Somebody save me, me from myself- I’ve spent so long living in Hell- They say my lifestyle is bad for my health- It’s the only thing that seems to help- All of this drinkin’ and smokin’ is hopeless- But feel like it’s all that I need Somethin’ inside of me’s broken- I hold on to anything that sets me free- I’m a lost cause- Baby, don’t waste your time on me
I’m so damaged beyond repair- Life has shattered my hopes and my dreams-… What if the night sky was missin’ the moon?-
There were no shootin’ stars to use wishin’ on you- And all of my sorrows, I’d just wash them down- It’s the only peace, I’ve ever found- …I’m so damaged beyond repair- Life has shattered my hopes and my dreams”--Sad and so true for many millions of people all over the world. We are all damaged and broken to one extent or another, some more than others. The damage starts in childhood and it often escalates from there. My personal responsibility as a damaged, broken person is to not pass on the damage: to not damage and break other people just because I am. The sky not having had shooting stars for me, does not give me the.. moral right to extinguish other people’s shooting stars. There are enough people out there extinguishing lights.I am sure that you experienced troubles in life before you met her, and when you started a relationship with her.. she was your hopes and dreams, your shooting stars. What did she do? She extinguished the light in your sky by making you a Suspect and punishing you for what you were not guilty of. It is a far too common dynamic in relationships.“I unloaded on her and I regret doing that. With all my heart. Now I can’t even apologize I am blocked on all fronts. And she probably will never speak to me again. She also filed a formal hr complaint which I can’t blame her”- I didn’t yet read of any abusive words or behaviors on your part. I assume there are offensive things you said or did that you didn’t share about, and that’s okay.
I hurt people who did not at all deserve it and I regret it. The guilt for hurting people who did nothing to me has been very heavy in me. Living with Guilt (in capital G, it started as an invalid guilt which my mother established inside me as a child, repeatedly accusing me of things I was NOT guilty of) has been, for me, (using the song’s lyrics) “living in Hell“. I didn’t feel that I, a bad, Guilty person, deserved to pursue “my hopes and my dreams“. Eventually I figured out that we all live in a world that is so troubled and has been troubled for so long, that we are all broken and damaged, and we all pass or have passed on the damage to the next generation and to other people around us, in one way, be it in a relatively mild way or in severe ways.. not all forgivable. I figured that my wrong doings are not in the category of unforgivable, not if I do all that I can in the present and for the rest of my life to do right by other people.
anita
November 11, 2023 at 1:29 pm #424957Nick
ParticipantI mean other than kind of shifting the blame. I don’t really use offensive words to get my point across. I get emotional but I have no reason to be crass or vulgar. I imagine she utilized the fact I messaged her several times. She exercised the flight mechanic and had someone else make it there problem. She has played the victim a lot. So it’s probably an easy part to play.
You are right though we do pass on some of our recycled baggage onto others after a relationship. Sometimes without even knowing we are doing it.
Thank you for support and also making things clearer in my head. Its nice to have someone else’s perspective.
November 11, 2023 at 1:34 pm #424958Nick
ParticipantAlso thank you for the Veterans Day wishes. Means alot and thank you for your time on this matter.
November 11, 2023 at 1:42 pm #424959anita
ParticipantDear Nick:
You are welcome. “I get emotional but I have no reason to be crass or vulgar” I like the way you put it. I wish lots of people would NOT get crass or vulgar when they get emotional. Unfortunately, too often, the two go together.
“She has played the victim a lot. So it’s probably an easy part to play“- People who play victim find it easy to victimize someone else, and they feel morally justified in doing so.
“It’s nice to have someone else’s perspective“- anytime you want my perspective, you are welcome to it!
anita
November 13, 2023 at 12:40 am #424971Stacy
ParticipantHi Nick
I read your thread and wanted to chime in because I feel your breakup has some relevance to mine. I got dumped about 3 months ago because I became suspicious of my ex and found some things on his social media I was not happy with. He acknowledged hurting me and took accountability for it, but also said I manifested this because I was always looking for evidence to prove what I allegedly already thought of him – that he was an untrustworthy guy. He had a point. In my previous relationships, I have been cheated on and lied to and have had a few very painful social media related issues with men. I told my ex before I ever saw anything negative from him that I had a really sensitive wound with that subject and asked him to please not ever do what my exes did to me. I’m still struggling with understanding if he even did anything wrong or not… but regardless, my jealousy and trust issues were there either way.
The behavior you experienced was toxic and I acknowledge it in myself too. I think your ex didn’t even give you a chance from the get go, though. She seems to have brick walls up around her and she’s gonna continue to not trust men until or unless something massively changes her fear. I have this horrible fear too and I feel for her because I don’t think anyone can help this in us. I still feel at fault for overreacting. Losing my ex absolutely wasn’t worth it for me in retrospect. I can’t speak for your ex but trust issues from our past are no joke and we bleed them out onto everyone. I’m sure a little part of her is frustrated with herself. I wish I had some advice but I hope that maybe seeing it from someone with a similar relationship trigger helps a little.
November 13, 2023 at 12:58 am #424972Nick
Participant<p style=”text-align: center;”>I appreciate what you said Stacy. I mean besides the whole going through the phone thing. We had a great relationship and I still love her. Granted having never gone through something like this with prior people I have dated or been in relationships with it has left an emotional scar. Granted I regret like the text overload I sent to her which resulted in her doing that formal complaint since she might occasionally run into me. I work in the plant next to hers. I sent her flowers and an apology note. Before I knew about the formal complaint. Also had a mutual friend send her a third party apology since I can’t have direct contact. You only get so much room on those flower cards. So this was a bit more fleshed out. I mean I highly doubt we will ever talk or get back together. I just wanted to apologize for any emotional damage I might have caused. I mean I kind of take some responsibility I had a lot of dating applications I had subscribed to through the years. Even then I wonder if she found nothing would she accuse me of covering my tracks or something 🤔 . Maybe she was projecting a guilty conscious for something she did. I tend to over think things. And we’ll the result was an emotional overload that I unloaded on her. After weeks of thinking.</p>
November 14, 2023 at 1:46 am #425005Stacy
ParticipantYou are welcome, Nick. I feel for you. Breakups are the worst.
When I got upset at my ex for the social media stuff, he dumped me on the spot. There was no chance or hope for me to convince him we could work on things. It seems like you were trying to have patience with your ex and work on things even after she showed a severe lack of trust in you and disrespected you. I think you tried to be understanding here and did all you could do.
November 14, 2023 at 1:54 am #425006Nick
ParticipantThank you Stacy. I mean I still love her. If she might reach out I will see how each of us feels. I just have a feeling I pushed her completely away with the things I said to her. Who really knows though. It has only been a few weeks. Maybe there is a chance at reconciliation. Maybe our conversation on October 19th was the last one we would ever have.
November 15, 2023 at 12:30 am #425043Stacy
ParticipantI think we all default to thinking we pushed the other person away when they dump us. I know I have this fear too. My ex saw my concerns but then ended it completely on the spot! Without any chance or talking through any possible ways we could work on it together. I don’t think you pushed your ex away, you were trying to talk through it, from what I read.
It’s a dysfunctional dynamic when someone goes into a relationship feeling entitled to and demanding access to your privacy from the start. Trust is earned. She didn’t even give you the chance to earn her trust. If she didn’t like what she saw, fine. If that were so, she could have respectfully bowed out and said, “No hard feelings, this just isn’t for me” especially since it was just a few weeks in.
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