Dear Kate:

Welcome back to the forums, and congratulations n getting married. You shared about your husband in your first thread back in May-Sept 2021. I want to go over the content of your first thread where we communicated,  so to understand your current situation better.

In late May 2021, you shared that in 2020, during lockdown, you started talking to a guy (you referred to him as D, your current husband) who was “a very good friend since the start of my college“. You developed feelings for him sometime along the way and got emotionally attached to him . In November 2020 he proposed to you, you accepted his proposal and the two of you started dating.

At the end of May 2021 (the date of your first thread), you expressed a concern which is very similar to your concern today, 2.5 years later: “It concerns me. Had my bf had feelings for someone else, it would have really hurt me and wouldn’t, for sure, have known how to deal with that. Even sometimes currently, when D doesn’t reply (to) me on time, despite being online, I get scared thinking that he might be talking to someone else. Not sure if I am having trusting issues or I am insecure of myself“.

In the beginning of June 2021, you shared about past romantic relationships that didn’t go well. In the first, your boyfriend at the time told you that while the two of you weren’t talking for seven days, “he started seeing someone else. And when we got back together, he broke up with that girl. And this really broke me. My belief system was complete shattered“.

Your second boyfriend was critical of your body and looks. You shared about him and a girl in your friend group: “gradually I started seeing their rapport building…  we would fight a lot because of that girl“.

In regard to D: “I find it difficult to remain positive about my current relationship. My boyfriend is a great guy. He cares for me and loves me. But sometimes, I just feel a disconnect. I am not sure where is the issue and how do I deal with it.. I find it difficult to trust him. I feel scared that what if he talks to someone and falls for her. The other day we were just talking and he tells me that there are no girls in his team (work). I asked if he wants girls in his team to which he said it’s good to have a diverse team. He meant everything in a positive way but it’s me who’s not able to take anything positively I guess. Whenever, he doesn’t reply to me, I feel paranoid about what he might be doing“.

“As a child, I was insecure of my looks and was made fun of or not treated well by other children at times“.

End of September 2021: “I am doing good. Started with a new job. Relationship is progressing. Though there are ups and downs but it is going in the forward direction“.

Two+ years later, you shared today, Nov 9, 2023, that you are married to D: ” I read my husband’s text messages sometimes. I know I shouldn’t do this but just not able to control it. May be, trust issues.”-

– surely trust issues. At the end of May 2021, you wrote: “Not sure if I am having trusting issues or I am insecure of myself“. I think it’s both and the two are connected: feeling that you are physically unattractive can easily lead to not trusting a man to be loyal to.. an allegedly unattractive woman.

“So, a few days ago, I read that he texted one of his female friends back in 2021 (we were dating then) that if he ever has to have an extra marital affair, it would be with that friend….  I knew of this girl to be a close friend but I had no idea about any history with this girl“- he may have a flirting history with her and nothing more. Flirting between young, single men and women is very common. At the time you were neither married nor engaged, correct?

Here is a key question: since you’ve been reading his text messaging history: did you find any flirtatious messages between him and other women while the two of you were engaged or married?

“I feel his involvement too much in his friends or phone at times and that causes insecurity and anxiety. Please help me how should I handle this!“-

– In regard to you feeling that he is too involved with his friends and phone-  male and female friends? Any flirtatious involvement? If the answer to the latter is No, and if you found no history of flirtatious messages on his phone since the two of you were engaged and married.. then it is very normal (although not a positive thing) for especially young people to spend a LOT of time on their phones- not an indication of cheating. Also, because of your great sensitivity to the possibility of being cheated on, I assume that any involvement with a female friend would feel like too much… depending how insecure and anxious you feel at any particular moment. Do you agree.. or disagree?

“I don’t know if I should confront him or not about this. If I have to confront him then I don’t know how should I do that. Because I read his messages secretly“- the title of your thread is Trust issues. If he finds out that you’ve been secretly reading his messages, he might develop trust issues in regard to you! Clear to me that you should stop reading his messages.

“Not able to control it“, you wrote today in regard to secretly reading his messages. We can talk about ways for you to become able to control the compulsion perhaps, to secretly check his messages.

I am looking forward to your reply and hope to communicate with you further.

anita