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I am hurting

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  • September 22, 2013 at 2:20 pm #42603
    Helen
    Participant

    So, the argument me and my boyfriend had is too long of a story. And I feel so weakened and hurt I can barely write this. Anyways, we are still together, but I feel so hurt. My heart feels completely stomped upon. In an effort to comfort me and make me feel better because I was crying so hard and telling him how I didn’t want to be so jealous or paranoid, he says: “You know what I realized tonight?… I think you love me more than I love you.” And I felt like he had just put a dagger into my heart. Even breaking up would not be as painful as that sentence. I believe he is trying to make this relationship a power play and thinks by saying I love him more than he loves me, he has the power on his side.

    I am so hurt and confused as to what I should do. Should I really be with someone who would say this to me? I think everybody loves differently but not “more” or “less”. Either you love or you don’t… No?!

    I appreciate every advice, kind word and kick in the butt you have to offer me. I feel broken.

    September 22, 2013 at 4:40 pm #42604
    melanie
    Participant

    my husband walked out on our 9 year marriage 4 months ago and I have been praying ever since that he comes back to me. He has such anger and hatred in his heart but refuses to tell me what I have done. He left for work one night kissed me said I love you and never came back home. He says he wants to do what he wants when he wants and I do know I was controlling and jealous. There is a big age difference between us me being the older of us and I have been dealing with breast cancer and the effects of chemo and al the surgeries for the past 3 years I know it has taken a toll on the marriage.Now he has a woman that he’s met closer to his age and has a child something he said he didn’t want he parades her all over town. Most family and friends are upset by these actions. He does communicate with me. It started out we only had 5 min conversation in person since he left and then it has been with others around. I wont call him or text him because when this first happened I did all the calling, texting writing of emails begging and pleading with him and I know this just pushed him further away. It never failed after about 3 days he would text me not really wanting anything but it never ended well.Then it started that he would text every night while he is working he is a truck driver. He is living in the house we were evicted from that’s a long story but he said to me its not the same it just doesn’t feel like home any more. I was told that he had said some really bad things about me. When he was faced with that he was very upset and adamant that he had not said that. He was desperate almost for me to believe him. The after 3 months of not talking on phone he has called a few times. He is always wanting to know if I am ok if I am sure do I need anything and gets upset if he thinks he has upset me. Asks if I’m mad ect…But when I bring up the girl friend in any way he gets cold and stops talking. I am so confused. We have divorce in the works which I dont want after every thing I still love him. What am I to make of his communications with me?

    September 22, 2013 at 9:44 pm #42613
    Enchantra
    Participant

    As for the one who loves more than he loves you- Perhaps my experience and conclusion will make sense to you: in a past relationship I did things and questioned whether I should, asked myself, was I being too much of a doormat for doing this or that? (a friend who I am very irritated with right now would have no hesitation telling me I was one.) I thought about these things and asked myself, well, when I do something nice for him, am I looking for a reciprocating action? Or not? I decided to do things for me, because I wanted to do them, not because I expected a thank you when I cleaned up my ex boyfriend’s truly disgusting apartment, or when I made dinner. It meant I regretted a lot less about my actions in that relationship once it ended. I think things were easier for me that way. Some way through the relationship I decided I was not going to regret doing things that I didn’t seek a reward for. And I still don’t.

    Perhaps you need to decide, what parts of this relationship are worth doing regardless of his reaction? How much of your action is because you want the reward he will give back? and how much are you doing simply because you like to, even if he will never notice? To me, there are doormats, and there are people who are self sacrificing, and the difference is in the intention. Doormats are looking for a reward when they do something, but don’t realize they will never get that reward, so continue doing the same things. This means doormats wind up disappointed. People who are self sacrificing do things because they want to, not because they want the reward. Or perhaps there is a reward in self sacrifice, but it comes from within and not from your boyfriend. The self sacrificing sort are well aware that they may never get any reward back from said boyfriend/ friend/ relative/ etc. and are ok with that. To me, this seems like a much easier way of living.

    And there are things that merit reciprocation (such as fidelity.) I’m not saying relationships should be one of total self sacrifice. I’m just saying be realistic- do you like doing the things you do? Or are you doing them simply to get a reaction from him?

    So perhaps you need to decide- what are you doing in this relationship simply because you want to, and what are you doing in this relationship in the hopes that he will reward you for it? Decide if the balance is one you are happy with. As for the stuff you want a reward/ reciprocation for, but aren’t getting one for, is it worthy of continuing to do, even without that reciprocation?

    There are ungrateful jerks who aren’t ready for a good partner out there. I don’t know whether that is your boyfriend or not. In the meantime though, you might as well figure out whether you like the things you’re doing in this relationship.

    As for the woman facing divorce. ::Hugs:: I’ve never been married, so can’t really offer terribly much there. Hope things work out happily.

    September 22, 2013 at 11:24 pm #42615
    Dharmesh Radadiya
    Participant

    HI Helen,

    Do not need to Cry Because you have someone who loves you so much you just need to think it Differently.Because the way you are thinking will harm you and your relationship too.whatever happened in our life is only god gift because god never do injustice with anybody k.

    It always depends on us that how we take problems?what we think about problems?if you think and ask your self you will definately find answer of it.
    After all breakup is not ending of relationship.Because according to me if someone cares for you then do not let them go from your life.And we realize true value of any person after letting them away from our life.

    After breakup If you do anything that you have done with your loved once will again make you to remember.So think once before take any decision.

    I hope this will help you if i made any mistake i am so sorry For that

    I Pray to god to help you to find out the right Path And everything Will make good Soon in your Relationship.

    Thanks.
    Dharmesh Radadiya.

    September 23, 2013 at 3:08 am #42622
    Helen
    Participant

    Thank you guys for your answers.

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