Dear Lou92:

Welcome to the forums, I’m glad you are here and I hope that you post again.

“I have been in a relationship for 10 and a half years and got married in a couple of months ago… In the months leading up to the wedding, our relationship started showing cracks.  He suddenly became very close friends (very quickly) with a female coworker, where they were texting excessively, morning and night, despite spending all day in the office together… he has never had a female friend in the time I have known him and is now suddenly very close with on“-

– After marriage became a definite plan and six months before the planned wedding, he did something he never did in the 10 previous years: excessively communicate with another woman.

You shared that the last 5 or 6 years of your relationship with this man were “powerful and solid…  I made him feel like the centre of my world, and he made me feel like the centre of his“. But before the wedding and after the wedding, he is: “appearing distracted at home with me and not being as present in the evenings or weekends“, no longer having you in the centre of his world.

“This experience has affected me because this situation was coupled with him appearing distracted at home with me… has led me to the realisation that I have an anxious attachment style due to my Dad..“-

– I think that any woman in your place, having had an attentive man changing into a distracted man who excessively texts another woman, would be anxious regardless of attachment style.

“He still appears distracted at home, he is still talking to this female co-worker much more than I am comfortable with… I get the bare minimum from him these days, and I feel he gives his best self to his colleagues and friends at work and then I get the leftovers. He barely makes conversation with me… I no longer feel like the centre of his world, more like a spare part that is just ‘there’ when he comes home at night“- he is inattentive and distracted with you but attentive to, and focused on this female coworker, and other colleagues and friends at work.

“He said he was just being there for her as she was going through a difficult time and that they were just friends“- maybe his coworker is going through a difficult time and needs a friend, but the same is true to him: he is going through a difficult time and he needs a friend. Unfortunately (I feel sad to be typing this), you are not the friend that he is seeking. The question is why…?

One night, “he took our dog out for a walk at 7pm and didn’t come home until 4am, after being drunk driven home by a friend“- what made him not want to go home to you that night..?

I don’t think that either his depression nor your attachment style explains, by itself, this change in him. I think that the main explanation for the change is the wedding itself. Seems to me that he felt caged-in with you as a result of anticipating the wedding and then following the wedding. Maybe feeling that the marriage was really going to happen, and then it taking place triggered his childhood experience where he was stuck in his original home with an unpleasant or distressing parent or two, older siblings perhaps. Maybe as a child and teenager, he wanted out of the home for a long time. Fast forward, he wants out of the home he shares with you as his wife.

If the possibility above is correct to a large extent, then he is not seeking you as a friend because he sees you as someone unpleasant from in his past. Let’s say that he sees you as his overbearing mother (just an example, I know nothing about his mother/ original family) because he projected his mother into you once the wedding felt real enough. Next, he is trying to survive living with.. his overbearing mother by distracting himself and focusing on life outside the home.

You’ve known him for a long time. Is the above a possibility, Lou92?

anita

Dear Lou92:

“He had an overbearing stepmother that ruined the relationship he had with his Dad and treated my husband terribly. He was desperate to get out of there at any given opportunity“- I ask questions because I am trying to understand and hopefully offer you something helpful:

– At what age and for how long was his stepmother in his life?

– Can you give me an example or two of her overbearing behavior?

– Is she still in his life/ still married to his father? And if so, how did the relationship with his father change from being ruined to wonderful?

anita

Dear Lou92:

You are welcome!

His childhood & teenage experience with his mother: “She was completely emotionally unavailable… couldn’t show up for him as a mother. They were estranged for years“.

His teenage experience with his step-mother: “She came into his life when he was around 14. She moved into the home my husband and his Dad lived in, they went on to have 2 children together”, “he did move out at the first opportunity he had, which was 18 years old, and he was barely at home before then during his teenage years. He had an overbearing stepmother that ruined the relationship he had with his Dad and treated my husband terribly. He was desperate to get out of there at any given opportunity“, “She was very controlling, and would lose her temper over the slightest thing.  It was a standard sort of idea that she couldn’t accept my husband because he was the child from a previous marriage. There was a big strain on their relationship and she used to go out of her way to make things difficult.  She would ’cause an argument’ with him out of something that was very minor, and then because his Dad wouldn’t join in, it would then cause problems between their relationship. They eventually divorced because the stepmother felt like the Dad wasn’t on her side with a lot of the issues she had with my Husband.”

His teenage experience with his father: “they never saw each other… Because they never saw each other, the Dad never knew what was going on in my Husband’s life and vice versa. They just completely lost touch basically, and it was very sad for my Husband”, “(The stepmother) would ’cause an argument’ with (your husband, when he was a teenager) out of something that was very minor, and then.. his Dad wouldn’t join in“.

My understanding at this point (an understanding that’s developing as I type): younger than 14, his father was positively attentive to him but his mother was not at all: not positively and not negatively. His step mother came into his life at 14 and gave him lots of negative, angry attention, focusing on him and persecuting him, accusing him or wrongdoings, wrongdoings he was not at all guilty for, and greatly exaggerating small wrongdoings. He lived under a magnifying glass of sorts, where everything he said and did, or failed to say and do, was negatively focused on, distorted and magnified by his step-mother, leading to very distressing arguments with her.. while his father did not interfere. For 4 years (14-18), he was barely at home, staying away from home while his father did not interfere.

I will now re-read your original post and following posts in light of the above information (I will be adding the boldface feature selectively to the following quotes): “My husband has suffered from depression since I have known him”- I see his depression as very much connected to the powerlessness that he experienced as a child, particularly during the 4 years of the persecution he suffered by his step mother while his father did not interfere. His anger at his step-mother (and possibly at his father) was so intense and prolonged that it.. crashed into depression.

“If I ever approach him with the fact I am feeling insecure and would like a bit more reassurance and love, he takes this an attack on him and emotionally shuts down, being completely incapable of saying anything whatsoever“- he freezes as a result of fear or anger, or both. I imagine that this is how he reacted to his step mother’s repeated, persecutory attacks: he emotionally shut down and was unable to say anything. Why does he freeze when you ask for .. love, I wonder.

“I still find myself having to ask for his love. Ask for a cuddle, ask for a kiss etc. And when he does do it, I feel it’s disingenuous because…  it.. seems half hearted on his side when he does”- when he freezes, he doesn’t feel affection or love. He freezes when you ask for love.

“I feel like, despite clearly outlining my needs (wanting more affection, more love, more reassurance), that he just seems incapable of giving this to me”- he is incapable of feeling affection and love when he freezes. He freezes when you ask for affection and love.

“That night, before he took the dog for a walk, I had that conversation with him where I was crying, and I told him… I just need some more affection from him to help me through this.  He emotionally shut down, said he was going to take the dog for a walk to clear his head, and then didn’t come back”-

– The question is why he repeatedly shuts down/ freezes when you ask for affection. Someone during his childhood inappropriately asked for and perhaps demanded his affection and love. If it wasn’t his emotionally absent mother (?) or his conflict avoidant father (?), then it could have been his step mother.

* About his mother, you wrote: “He had a terrible relationship with his mother, which therapy has led him to realise is the direct root cause of all of his issues. But she wasn’t overbearing with him. She was completely emotionally unavailable, had severe mental health issues of her own”- it could be that she was not always completely emotionally available. It could be that she was affectionate with her boy at times, seeking affection back from him, approaching him as a substitute spouse.

You wrote about his step mother: “They eventually divorced because the stepmother felt like the Dad wasn’t on her side with a lot of the issues she had with my Husband“- it could be that the step mother felt very lonely in the marriage and that she focused her attention on the 14-18 year old boy (later to be your husband) as a source of affection.. in an emotionally incestuous kind of way.

In real-life, relationships are more complex than what’s depicted in cartoons and some movies, the “completely emotionally unavailable” mother is not always unavailable, and the.. evil step mother is not always angry and hostile. She may be both, at different times: showing and seeking affection and turning against her object of affection.

healthline/ emotional incest: “emotional incest, also called covert incest, describes an unhealthy family dynamic where a parent relies on their child for emotional and practical advice and support. Despite the name, it doesn’t involve physical sexual abuse: ‘Incest’ refers to inappropriate emotional closeness”.

Psychology today/ 3 signs you may have suffered childhood emotional incest: “… Lingering effects in adulthood include fear of intimacy and a flight/fight response to closeness…’emotional incest’ (also known as ‘covert incest’) is sometimes used to describe parents who are unable to maintain healthy boundaries with their children. Such parents may be living with mental illness, substance abuse, an unhappy marriage, or divorce. In essence, such parents feel alone and unloved, and rather than seek support from other adults, they turn to their children for intimacy and care. They may burden children with their own needs, constantly seek their validation, become emotionally or psychically clingy, or try to control the child.“-

-it may be that when you ask for affection, his covertly incestuous childhood or adolescence experience is triggered and he freezes in fear and confusion.

Back to psychology today: “Signs of a Problem in Adulthood: Emotional incest leaves a deep scar on a child’s experience of closeness and intimacy; specifically, they struggle in intimate relationships as adults. Signs of enduring this dynamic include: 1. Difficulty sustaining intimate relationships. Your romantic relationships start strong and may have great honeymoon periods. But they tend to decline quickly as emotional intimacy grows. You start to distrust your partner, feel insecure or trapped. 2. Disassociation, confusion, or taking distance from your romantic partner. You start to pull away without explanation. Sex becomes unsatisfying, even revolting. You may grow inexplicably cold, critical, become quick to find fault with them, or blame your partner for your discomfort. 3. Panicky responses to intimacy such as flight or fight. As fear grows, you may invent a reason to stop seeing a partner or ghost them completely. Sometimes you initiate fights to get a partner to break up with you. Either way, you are in flight from the relationship.”

How do you feel about these possibilities?

Back to your recent post: “Are you a licensed therapist? Or just super good at understanding people’s minds and emotions and actions?”- thank you. I am not a therapist. I have been a very active, daily participant in these forums since May 2015, with a break of about 6 months, to this very day, having communicated with many hundreds of members and learning- through these communications such as here with you- about mental health issues, how we get sick and how we can heal best we can.

anita

Dear Lou92:

Here is another way to think about it, if you will: not all depressed people are created equal, so to speak. Some depressed people still care for and love their supposed loved ones, and talk about things. Your husband’s depression is not a blanket explanation for his behaviors. There are other factors in play, like one’s values, or lack of.

anita