<p style=”text-align: center;”>Hi Anita. I remember we spoke when I had a bad break up. I tried to channel that negative energy into becoming a teacher and feel really proud about that. I feel though, that maybe I didn’t deal with that relationship/abuse and have not had a romantic partner since. Nor, really the ability form or maintain many close relationships with friends. All I have done since then is work. I feel as if this has helped in a way, because it distracts me, but I am so tired and also so lonely. Since the death of my grandma I have moved in with my mum and her husband. My mum had me at a really young so wasn’t really emotionally available when I was a child so I got that emotional connection from my gran. Now my nan is gone I feel a bit lost. I moved in with my mum 5 months after my nan died whilst I wait for the money to come through from my nans will, but this is going to be another 6 months or more.</p>
Since living with them I have cooked and cleaned every day for 7 months. Alongside working 10+ hours a day and commuting for 2 hours a day. One of the reasons moved is because my mum needed some help because her husband was having a heart operation. She has had a really difficult year. On the 23rd I had been at a friend’s house for drinks. They had been at a party aswell. We got home around the same time and my mum told me she had bought some cigarettes. (She is an ex smoker  she has severe copd and a genetic lung condition). I lost it. I said that I was really ashamed of her and she should know better and so should her husband. I went to bed. Her husband stormed into my bedroom and started screaming at me and calling me names. I feel as if this is all influenced by alcohol but after the last relationship I had which was really abusive I felt really triggered. I just had to get out but I didn’t really know where to go. I went to my aunties house for the night. In the morning I came back, he apologised and my mum tried to talk tome but I was really still upset. So christmas happened and I pretended everything was OK for a few days. I have been avoiding them both since then  trying to keep out of the way and trying to make sure I am tidy to avoid any arguments. Since then I have had extreme anxiety

I feel so threatened, emotionally and feel really unsafe. I have spoken to a couple of people who have told me that I need to let it go and I need to get over it, but I really can’t. I tried to talk to my mum today and I explained how I felt and how I felt it was a trigger. I also apologised and said I know I cannot tell her what to do, I know I shouldn’t have gotten upset but I was worried and regardless, it doesn’t warrant a response like that. I have found out today that she has told all my family members about her side of the argument now and about how I had baited them for days. Which I can honestly say I did not. I also heard her speaking about me in the kitchen the other day and when I confronted her and said it upset me she denied it. I feel like I’m being made to feel crazy for having an adverse reaction. I told her I feel betrayed because of everything I have done for them for the past 7 months at the sacrifice to myself and my own wellbeing

.  She basically laughed and said that this was all my fault and I caused the argument. I am fully aware that maybe I have overreacted, but I do not have a safe space anymore. I dont have a home to run to or a grandma to run to if I feel sad. I feel gaslighted and like my feelings have not been considered. I told her I feel unwelcome and she said I’m making myself feel unwelcome by staying in my room and speaking to her with ‘frosty politeness’ but I don’t know how else to be.

I know this is probably me. I know that I have shut down and all I want to do is run away from this and cut them off. I dont cope well with being upset by people. I have tried to contact talkworks for some therapy for dealing with relationships. They advised I have private attachment therapy. Maybe that’s a good idea. I really fear that I will push everyone away and not have anyone in the future. But I am also aware that sometimes not everything is because of my mental health and I feel like I am gaslighted over this. I just cant distinguish what is real anymore. I tried to speak to my sister earlier but my mum had already apparently called her, and given her her account of things. Which made me feel really paranoid. I feel as if she is trying to justify the way her husband spoke to me by making up lies. I’m really worried about my future. Im really worried about my mental health and I’m really worried that things will never get better for me. I try so hard. I listen to self help books, I have therapy, I take ADs. I try to exercise. Things just seem to get harder the older I get and the more life experiences I have. I feel as if I have nobody that I can trust and turn to anymore and feel like everyone is against me. Im really fed up of being so miserable