Dear Ada:

Your first post in this thread was back on Feb 28, 2022 (page 3), almost 2 years ago. You shared on that first post (paraphrased) that you used to love and feel very close to your long-distance boyfriend of 11 months, but randomly and suddenly you fell out of love with him (also the words in the title of this thread), feeling distant from him, and even revolted by him. You felt guilty for feeling distant from him and revolted by him.

On March 2, 2023, after some communication, I wrote to you: “… These are my closing thoughts: I think that it will be best for you to… break up with him. You have your own mental health challenges, and your LD boyfriend has his own. It is possible for two people to help each other and be better for it, individually and together. But in this case, his impulsivity and severe carelessness are harming you. By impulsivity, I mean that he says whatever comes to his mind without thinking how it would affect you, and by severe carelessness, I am referring to him talking about the other girl… he went on and on about her and did so repeatedly, on different occasions. This is not… normal carelessness. It is severe carelessness, and such would harm any woman who’d be in a relationship with him…

“You shared that you are “like an observer” in your life, that you don’t make the choices that you want to make. I figure it’s your fear/ anxiety that keeps you from being a participant in your own life, making the choices that you want to make, choices that are right for you. This is something for you to work on in quality psychotherapy: to shift from an observant to a participant“.

Seventeen days later, on March 19, you posted next and shared that you broke up with him, and that you missed him and were obsessed with him.

A day later, on March 20, 2022, I wrote to you in regard to your obsessive thinking at the time: “you’ve been obsessed with this man for 11 months (“The man I was genuinely obsessed with for all 11 months now… extremely obsessed with him“). After you broke up with him, you found yourself “struck with obsessive thoughts and actions. I can’t stop thinking about what is he doing? Is he even upset?..’ – obsessed with him during the 11 months of the relationship, obsessed with him after the breakup, obsessed in general (“I am an obsessive person I’m always hyper fixated on something“), possibly OCD?..” (page 4).

Two pages later, and close to a year and 9 months after my last post (above quoted), you posted again. You shared that you have come a long way since you posted here, that posting here helped you with insight into your actions and motivations, and it helped you to move forward. You shared that your ex-boyfriend and you are currently casual friends, that your love for him is purely platonic, and that you are still a little repulsed with him.

You wrote yesterday: “The best advice I got on here was to break up with him! it was extremely toxic because I tried so hard not to be toxic. We weren’t a great fit for one another we did more damage than good. All and all, everything fell into its right place with my story and I believe everyone in here will find their way“- thank you, Ada, for your update, for your expressed appreciation and for encouraging other members in a similar struggle. It is very kind of you to have done this!

“A lot of issues resided within ourselves. He has been seeing a psychotherapist and I can tell a difference in how he acts and for me, I never eventually got to it but I understand myself a lot more now and I’ve learned to feel a lot less guilty for my feelings and the actions that come along with them“- like I suggested to you back in 2022,  we are never guilty for how we feel, so better peel the guilt off from what we feel. I am glad that you no longer feeling guilty!

Anytime you’d like to post again with your further progress and struggles (there’s never a linear- nothing but progress when it comes to these things, so there’re always struggles), please do and I will be glad to read from you and reply further.

anita