February 5, 2024 at 4:17 pm #427614
I didn’t read your recent post attentively enough. You wrote: “I don’t know if I could cut off contact, I promised to him I wouldn’t when he had a breakdown at the thought of it“- I didn’t suggest that you cut contact with him. I suggested “to end all intimate talk with him, as well as physical intimacy”. I realize that this would be very, very difficult for you to do, but it’d be best for your well-being to be his friend, from a distance (not living with him). As a true friend, you can keep your promise to maintain contact with him and help him through this time.
“Do you think we just need time and his feelings will return?… I don’t want to push him further away“- it reads like he is holding you hostage.. or you are holding yourself hostage until such time that his feeling return, if they will, afraid to make mistakes that will block his feelings from coming back (walking on eggshells perhaps?), anxiously waiting for the return of his feelings. Is this how it is for you..?
I am wondering: is he aware of what this situation is doing to you… Does he think about your suffering?
anitaFebruary 7, 2024 at 8:06 am #427661-=lvx=-Participant
[quote quote=82440]I was madly in love with my boyfriend. We’d speak everyday and got on so well. Sexually things are fantastic. I felt so in love and I felt like I was falling more and more in love with him everyday. Everything seemed perfect. Then one evening I suddenly just thought “I’m not in love with him anymore.” That was 3 weeks ago now and the feeling still hasn’t come back. I’ve cried everyday and feel so depressed about the fact. I don’t want anyone else. He’s the most amazing person and so good for me. The day before I felt that way I’d even daydreamed about being engaged to the guy. I’ve fell out of love before but that was for genuine reasons. Breakups, not getting on, not actually being in love in the first place, etc. There’s no reasons here and I’m heartbroken. I don’t believe anyone else could be so good for me. I really want to keep trying because I really feel that we’re worth it but I’m so scared. Any advice?[/quote]
The feeling of love is itself not love. Love is the result of the effort of making love. Not sex but being kind and caring and true. True love can only be known after a duration of time. You will only know it is love by the sacrifices you make to retain the quality of the relationship. A relationship without any sacrifice is not a relationship. A relationship by definition is an ongoing sizing up between or consideration of differences.
At any rate, and relationship where one will not make any sacrifice to retain the good graces of the other cannot be said to amount to much. It it’s just over for you because you fell out of love then it must not have amounted to much in the beginning. That’s not a criticism. Perhaps you suddenly woke up and found out that the cliche of loving another wasn’t a vital necessity to you. Or maybe you changed. Or you have new goals.
-=light in extension=-February 10, 2024 at 9:24 am #427711
How are you, Ssleeping?
anitaFebruary 12, 2024 at 4:38 pm #427773AdaParticipant
I’ve come a long way since my posts on here but this forum helped me so much with moving forward with myself and really gave me insight to my own actions and why I was making them. Updates – myself and this long distance ex boyfriend now are casual friends we talk from time to time and I’ve realised that deep down I do share that love for him but it is purely platonic I find myself still a little repulsed with him but I think in a way my situation was me growing up and finding my tastes in men.
The best advice I got on here was to break up with him! it was extremely toxic because I tried so hard not to be toxic. We weren’t a great fit for one another we did more damage than good. All and all, everything fell into its right place with my story and I believe everyone in here will find their way.
A lot of issues resided within ourselves. He has been seeing a psychotherapist and I can tell a difference in how he acts and for me I never eventually got to it but I understand myself a lot more now and I’ve learned to feel a lot less guilty for my feelings and the actions that come along with them.
Thank you very much Anita you are a kind soul and I appreciate all the insight you gave me ! ❤️
AdaFebruary 12, 2024 at 4:50 pm #427774
I am thrilled to read from you and thank you for your appreciation and kind words, it made my evening reading from you! I want to re-read our communication and reply to you further in the morning.
anitaFebruary 13, 2024 at 11:39 am #427801
Your first post in this thread was back on Feb 28, 2022 (page 3), almost 2 years ago. You shared on that first post (paraphrased) that you used to love and feel very close to your long-distance boyfriend of 11 months, but randomly and suddenly you fell out of love with him (also the words in the title of this thread), feeling distant from him, and even revolted by him. You felt guilty for feeling distant from him and revolted by him.
On March 2, 2023, after some communication, I wrote to you: “… These are my closing thoughts: I think that it will be best for you to… break up with him. You have your own mental health challenges, and your LD boyfriend has his own. It is possible for two people to help each other and be better for it, individually and together. But in this case, his impulsivity and severe carelessness are harming you. By impulsivity, I mean that he says whatever comes to his mind without thinking how it would affect you, and by severe carelessness, I am referring to him talking about the other girl… he went on and on about her and did so repeatedly, on different occasions. This is not… normal carelessness. It is severe carelessness, and such would harm any woman who’d be in a relationship with him…
“You shared that you are “like an observer” in your life, that you don’t make the choices that you want to make. I figure it’s your fear/ anxiety that keeps you from being a participant in your own life, making the choices that you want to make, choices that are right for you. This is something for you to work on in quality psychotherapy: to shift from an observant to a participant“.
Seventeen days later, on March 19, you posted next and shared that you broke up with him, and that you missed him and were obsessed with him.
A day later, on March 20, 2022, I wrote to you in regard to your obsessive thinking at the time: “you’ve been obsessed with this man for 11 months (“The man I was genuinely obsessed with for all 11 months now… extremely obsessed with him“). After you broke up with him, you found yourself “struck with obsessive thoughts and actions. I can’t stop thinking about what is he doing? Is he even upset?..’ – obsessed with him during the 11 months of the relationship, obsessed with him after the breakup, obsessed in general (“I am an obsessive person I’m always hyper fixated on something“), possibly OCD?..” (page 4).
Two pages later, and close to a year and 9 months after my last post (above quoted), you posted again. You shared that you have come a long way since you posted here, that posting here helped you with insight into your actions and motivations, and it helped you to move forward. You shared that your ex-boyfriend and you are currently casual friends, that your love for him is purely platonic, and that you are still a little repulsed with him.
You wrote yesterday: “The best advice I got on here was to break up with him! it was extremely toxic because I tried so hard not to be toxic. We weren’t a great fit for one another we did more damage than good. All and all, everything fell into its right place with my story and I believe everyone in here will find their way“- thank you, Ada, for your update, for your expressed appreciation and for encouraging other members in a similar struggle. It is very kind of you to have done this!
“A lot of issues resided within ourselves. He has been seeing a psychotherapist and I can tell a difference in how he acts and for me, I never eventually got to it but I understand myself a lot more now and I’ve learned to feel a lot less guilty for my feelings and the actions that come along with them“- like I suggested to you back in 2022, we are never guilty for how we feel, so better peel the guilt off from what we feel. I am glad that you no longer feeling guilty!
Anytime you’d like to post again with your further progress and struggles (there’s never a linear- nothing but progress when it comes to these things, so there’re always struggles), please do and I will be glad to read from you and reply further.
anitaFebruary 14, 2024 at 1:43 am #427803SsleepingParticipant
Hi, thank you
I’m doing okay, I think, not really.
I’ve come back and we are living together until we move out separately.
Everything hurts but I’m trying to be positive.
I miss him, seeing him again was amazing and I’m still so in love.
He’s doing okay and doing his best to be positive and I’m really so proud of him, he’s taking care of himself more and is doing well and thinking positively in regards to work.
Much of things feel the same as before all of this happened, but at the same time everything feels different, I don’t know what the future holds.
He still says he needs me in his life and that he’s known me all his life, (we used to always say this because that’s how it feels, like we’ve known each other forever even before we met).
He doesn’t wear his bracelet and has changed his Lock Screen photos on his phone.
I can feel how much he loves me when he looks at me, I can feel the affection and the want but I think he stops himself.
He feels the same as before but has said he keeps thinking about what if I find someone else and he’s ruined everything and that maybe we will get back together.
I honestly think we will, I feel like I know we will. I’m just scared.February 14, 2024 at 8:36 am #427822
You are welcome, good to read from you again. I re-read your previous two posts. In your first post (Feb 5), you wrote: “He’s had a tough time recently with work and depression“, and indeed from what you shared about what he said to you, he sounds depressed.
The way I understand depression is that when a person is too anxious for too long, the anxiety (a negative excitable emotional state), turns into depression (a negative but calmer emotional state) because the brain/ body can’t endure excitability for too long.
He felt anxious (“He then started feeling anxious when thinking about it, he felt anxious when just thinking about things he loved related to me“), and then over several days, his anxiety turned into depression (“He felt like this for days and eventually broke down and told me, over the coming days he said he doesn’t want this anymore and needs to be alone“).
A hallmark of depression is the loss of interest or pleasure in things previously enjoyed, as well as indecisiveness, and so, he lost a significant amount of the interest he had to be with you, and he wanted to be alone, and he is indecisive.
From the DSM-5 (the American diagnostic guide for mental disorders), two of the symptoms of major depression are: “Markedly diminished interest or pleasure in all, or almost all, activities most of the day, nearly every day”, and “Diminished ability to think or concentrate, or indecisiveness, nearly every day”.
You wrote: “I don’t know what happened… Could this be caused by avoidant attachment style?” (Feb 5)- I think that what happened is that he sank into depression, and that his current state of mind and behaviors are caused by depression.
“He doesn’t wear his bracelet and has changed his Lock Screen photos on his phone. I can feel how much he loves me when he looks at me, I can feel the affection and the want but I think he stops himself“- back to the DSM-5, “Feelings of worthlessness or excessive or inappropriate guilt..” is another symptom of major depression. Maybe he feels unworthy of you and that’s why he doesn’t wear the bracelet, and why he stops himself from expressing love for you (when he feels it)…?
Did he seek medical help for depression, recently or in the past?