Dear ParadoxMusic:

“The things that I hate about her are the things that torment me. I have not slept properly in the last 3 months. I have been going through a depressed phase of just wanting the pain to end, whether it be through death or amnesia or something… The relationship with B has ruined me for the worst“- this information by itself is enough to make it clear in my mind that a relationship with B should not be resumed, and that for you to not resume it, individual counseling/ therapy is something that you should pursue, so please do!

“All I wanted was to find a woman who can be a good friend to me, who is willing to care for me, and do everything else a wife should do, have God at the center of our life and I just wanted to serve such a deserving woman. I just wanted to find such a perfect woman… And I believed I found that in B“-

– Talking about religion and marriage, here are a couple of quotes from the bible (online): “An excellent wife is the crown of her husband, but she who brings shame is like rottenness in his bones.” (Proverbs 12:4)- your months-long torment is like rottenness in your bones, is it, Paradoxy?

“That they may teach the young women to be sober, to love their husbands, to love their children.” (1 Titus 2:4)- B wasn’t taught to be a good wife during her formative years (her first 2 decadesof life), but.. you want to teach her in her 3rd decade, post her formative years, do you?

Back to your words: “she is still 100000x better than most of the other women that I have met…Even if I give another woman a chance, I feel like I would constantly be subconsciously comparing her to B, and I do not think that is right nor fair for that person” – even though you’ve been tormented and sleeping poorly for months, you are still motivated to resume a relationship with a woman who (you believe to be) 100,000 times better than most other women. In your mind, most other women are 100,000 worse than B.. so, mathematically, statistically, you wouldn’t be motivated to consider another woman.

This is your 1st relationship, how would you know this statistical ‘fact’?

“The feeling of being loved by someone for the first time was literally changing me for the better. Knowing that I had her in my life felt like a factory reset button. I was a thousand times happier, more energetic, no longer depressed, no longer suicidal, no longer in love with that Dark Energy…  But now that I lost her, I can feel the things of the past slowly creeping back into me, starting with self hate... I have grown to realize that everyone else is happier without me existing in their life. All I would be is a source of pain for others... Maybe I should blame myself for breaking up with B in January, which caused her to do what she did… My parents are good people. Though their methods are questionable, their aim was to help me. They did not physically abuse me. But you could say that I was emotionally abused… They have never listened to me. Always discouraging me from what I wanted to do. Even this med career was their fault. I never wanted this. I wanted to do music or computers… I will never forget the pain, the anger, I have endured cause of them… I have had my parents’ anger towards something else redirected to me” (March 23, 2024).

“There happened to be an incident where my neighbor threatened my parents that they would call social services since they saw how I was being treated and my parents took out their anger on me” (March 3, 2020)-

– it seems like the emotional abuse you received by your parents (who may be good people outside of parenting you, such as being good neighbors) was severe, and it led you to the core belief that you are a source of pain to others.

Would you like to elaborate on the nature of the emotional abuse that you received, and how it led to this core belief (beyond what you stated in the quotes above, which I boldfaced)?

anita