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Should a “Cheating” Girlfriend be forgiven over a technicality?

HomeForumsRelationshipsShould a “Cheating” Girlfriend be forgiven over a technicality?

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  • #428943
    Tommy
    Participant

    What type of woman do you want? Or do you really want this woman? Men usually prefer a woman who doesn’t have vast experiences with other men? Probably because the thought is that she would think you are just another one of those men?? That you would be dropped as soon as she finds someone else. Would you spend your time and effort on a woman who doesn’t consider you as someone special enough to just be with only you?? Love and feelings get in the way and things become distorted?

    If a woman cheats on you then wouldn’t she cheat on you again and again? As long as she feels that she can get away with it, she will? Excuses? Excuses make it okay to cheat? Sex with other men is okay as long as it did not mean anything to her. Cause she really loves you? You have feelings for her. But, do you really want this woman? Is she the type of woman you want in your life? To be the mother of your children?

    Sorry, only questions here. You already have the answer. Now, it depends on what you want to do?

    #428945
    ParadoxMusic
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    Lol yes, I guess paradoxy is a fitting name for me at this point.

    “You love her, but alas, the paradox: you also love to hate her, evident in the many upper case typing.” I do not love to hate her. The use of upper case typing is whenever I feel the rising anger in me as I am literally writing out my thoughts here. The things that I hate about her are the things that torment me. I have not slept properly in the last 3 months. I have been going through a depressed phase of just wanting the pain to end, whether it be through death or amnesia or something. But I understand your point. I never thought of the possibility that I could be projecting my hate for women in general, on B. But I still disagree with it, because if I hated women like that, I would not have even tried dating at all. All i wanted was to find a woman who can be a good friend to me, who is willing to care for me, and do everything else a wife should do, have God at the center of our life and I just wanted to serve such a deserving woman. I just wanted to find such a perfect woman, someone who despite her flaws is still the most perfect being I have ever met. I would be more than willing to serve such a woman, to give her everything she wants, to keep her on that high pedestal, to be treated like the queen that she is. It will be my honor to serve such a woman. And I believed I found that in B, and I have realized that even though she has done a lot of stupid things, she is still 100000x better than most of the other women that I have met. Its like I cannot even blame her for being stupid cause I know she is trying her best to do the right things. How do you even improve someone’s decision making skills? Like how do you teach someone to make better decisions?

    Yes you are right about the things I said in 2020, but it had all changed upon meeting B. I had initially loved the pain, the ‘Dark Energy’ but meeting B completely annihilated that feeling. The feeling of being loved by someone for the first time was literally changing me for the better. Knowing that I had her in my life felt like a factory reset button. I was a thousand times happier, more energetic, no longer depressed, no longer suicidal, no longer in love with that Dark Energy. I wanted to do everything I could to make her life better. I wanted to treat her like the special woman that she is. I literally wanted to just serve her, to maintain her happiness, etc. But now that I lost her, I can feel the things of the past slowly creeping back into me, starting with self hate.

    I think I agree with what I said in March 23-25, I do not wish to fall in love again. I do not wish to endure such pain again. Love is blinding, a pain in my behind. The relationship with B has ruined me for the worst. I literally do not want to be with anyone else. I do not want to even give anyone a chance, cause that is the mindset I grew up in. Love one woman and one woman only. Even if I give another woman a chance, I feel like I would constantly be subconsciously comparing her to B, and I do not think that is right nor fair for that person. I have grown to realize that everyone else is happier without me existing in their life. All I would be is a source of pain for others, which I do not wish to do. I have thought about everything in my life and I have realized that if my role in each event had been removed, the persons affected by the event would have been happier. Maybe I should blame myself for breaking up with B in January, which caused her to do what she did. Maybe the love I offered was not good enough. I don’t know. And just like I predicted, by choosing to love again, I became an idiot and a fool.

    My parents are good people. Though their methods are questionable, their aim was to help me. They did not physically abuse me. But you could say that I was emotionally abused, while B was physically abused.

    “In addition to their abuse, they instilled in you the core belief that women are bad, dishonest people who are not to be trusted” No they did not install in me that women are bad, dishonest people. They have taught me that women in the modernized world, can have ulterior motives for loving you so I should have my guard up and should not be vulnerable around a woman. But I am wise enough to realize that though they meant their words to apply to all modern woman, there will always be exceptions to their belief and I should become wise enough to distinguish a proper woman from gold diggers and etc. I listened to my parents but their words only guide me, not control me. So I do not believe that all women are bad, dishonest people. That is why I argued with my parents that B was different from the rest. Unfortunately, I was wrong.

    I am not directing the anger for my parents on other people. Do not misunderstand, but I am wise enough to decide who deserves my anger and who does not. My parents are generally good people, they have only wanted the best for me. It is just that their methods are a bit too old fashioned. They are too narrow minded to accept change in life style. To accept a different method to handling situations. They have never listened to me. Always discouraging me from what I wanted to do. Even this med career was their fault. I never wanted this. I wanted to do music or computers. But here I am. But they are still good people. But their methods are questionable, just like Aunt 1, but they are nowhere near as morally twisted and stupid as Aunt 1, and they will never cross that moral line. I am wise enough to see the underlying meaning/purpose behind their actions and therefore, I have chosen to forgive my parents because they do not know any better and their wisdom still taught me to be a good man to the best of my ability, but I will never forget the pain, the anger, I have endured cause of them.

    Yes my anger is directed at B right now. Cause she had the power to make the right decision and she still chose wrong. She had many opportunities to tell me the truth. She had opportunities to reject her aunt’s plan. But instead she went along with it. She is a 22 year old who obviously knew what was wrong and what was right. She was aware of the things I liked and the things I hated. She knew that I hated seeing her in revealing outfits in public. She knew that sleeping with another man is wrong. That is why I said that she is a full grown adult capable of making proper decisions because she knows what is right and what is wrong, yet she still intentionally chose wrong.

    My anger towards my parents and the anger towards B are totally different things. Do not muddle up those two. I am not that foolish. It is part of my moral code to never redirect anger to someone else, cause I have experienced that myself. I have had my parents’ anger towards something else redirected to me, so I know how it feels so it is part of my morals to never redirect my anger for my parents towards someone else, to never let anyone suffer the way I suffered.

    Paradoxy

    #428949
    Tee
    Participant

    Dear Paradoxy,

    I am sorry that you are suffering so much – being objectively hurt and abused by B’s behavior, but still trying to find excuses to continue the relationship:

    I AM THE ONE WHO IS STILL IN LOVE WITH HER DESPITE EVERYTHING THAT SHE HAS DONE. I AM HERE RANTING ALL THIS BECAUSE I AM SEARCHING FOR AN EXCUSE, A LOGICAL REASON MY MIND CAN ACCEPT, TO FORGIVE HER AND TAKE HER BACK.

    The reasons for B’s promiscuous behavior could be many, and we can talk about it more, but what is for sure that it is absolutely NOT your fault that she went and prostituted herself after the breakup. She tried to put the blame on you:

    B also told me that she was heart broken and in pain cause of the break up, saying she felt abandoned by me, which was why she was willing to go along with her aunt.

    Okay, so you asked her – not too tactfully – if she was a gold digger, because you heard stories from your parents, who were in general skeptical about women. It’s normal to be offended, but it’s not normal to seek “soothing” in sleeping with a stranger for money.

    Her reaction to you offending her (and then breaking up with her) is WAY TOO BIG, it is disproportionate. It’s like someone saying they had to cut their wrists because their boyfriend offended them. It shows that the person has severe mental health issues. So it is very unfair to blame you for this shocking act that she did.

    Besides, by the time you asked her the gold-digger question, you had already noticed her suspicious behavior with men. So let’s look at that again for a second.

    After your first sexual encounter (around Halloween 2022) and you feeling super in love with her, she admitted she has feelings for her ex:

    We continued talking and going to classes together for the next few days until Friday, when she told me that she had feelings for another man (her ex).

    You agreed to break up, but then you quickly reconciled.

    Shortly after that, you found a half-naked picture in her phone with her ex:

    I looked through her pictures and found one with her naked with only a towel with another man behind her removing her braids

    When you confronted her about it, she said that “it was the ex that she still had feelings for, and it happened on the day after that we broke up from the decision that its better to not date at all.”

    Which means that as soon as you two broke up, she went back to her ex. And not only that, but she invited him to live with her, as her housemate, because her previous housemate (who was a girl) was just leaving.

    When you found out about it, you were rightfully angry, because she was hiding it from you. But she didn’t see any fault in herself. She said it wasn’t necessary for you to know.

    You forgave her and rationalized it:

    The ex is actually a housemate, as they are not sharing rooms but sharing the house. Besides, I have no choice but to forgive that they are living together because it is not their fault that they are college students who cannot afford to get their own place,

    Sorry to say, but that’s bs, Paradoxy. I am sure there were plenty of female housemates that she could have chosen from. But no, she was “forced” to live with her ex, whom she accidentally has feelings for (and he for her). Sorry, but I am not buying this. It was wrong and unfair to you.

    But I understand you got very attached to her and didn’t want to lose her. And that’s why you always found some excuse and rationalization.

    Anyway, this entire scandal is what preceded your gold-digger conversation, which happened around Christmas.

    When you asked her the offensive question, you were probably not only influenced by your parents suspicion towards women in general (“and they don’t trust women in general because they have seen many ruined relationships with cheating and gold diggers and etc”), but I can imagine you were also affected by the housing scandal with her ex, and the fact that she was lying to you.

    In addition, she once told you that “she and her bestie back then were planning to look around the Med Faculty for the future husband”.

    Having all that in mind, it wasn’t that outlandish to ask if she has ulterior motives. I mean, it wasn’t tactful, but unfortunately it wasn’t that baseless.

    Anyway, as I said above, there is no way that a normal person would go prostitute herself, as a result of being offended or broken up with. No emotional hurt justifies such an act (unless the person is severely traumatized and/or has accepted prostitution as something normal). So please don’t blame yourself for it, and don’t let her guilt-trip you.

    Coming back to your question:

    The only proper reason for her impaired judgement at that time is that the break up hurt her enough to just be her aunt’s puppet without resistance. So with that said, should I put this into consideration and give her another chance?

    As I’ve just said above, no emotional hurt can be the reason for someone to prostitute themselves, unless they are severely traumatized and/or have accepted prostitution as something normal. She can be both – she was severely traumatized in her childhood, being physically abused by her mother. And then in her teenage years, she was living with her aunt, who taught her to use men for money and privilege. The aunt might have been not physically abusive, she might have even shown her some love. And so B started to accept the worldview that using men for money is okay.

    It probably didn’t help that she is a very beautiful and sexy woman, desired by many men:

    This woman is actually very beautiful and very sexually attractive to many men. … She has people from modeling agencies, to popular music artists, to company ceos interested in her. … her manager wanted to sleep with her too.

    I am sure her aunt told her that too, and probably encouraged her to use her attributes to find a rich husband. I can also imagine that her physical looks and sex appeal were praised by her aunt and she was told to capitalize on them. I can imagine that slowly but surely her main identity became “sexy woman”, a sex object, who is mainly loved for her sexual attributes. These are all speculations, but based on what you said, unfortunately very likely speculations.

    This is how she might have been conditioned to go as far as to accept money for sex. I mean, having been brought up in such an environment, receiving such messages, it probably wasn’t unimaginable for her. But the biggest problem I think – if my assumptions are correct – is seeing herself as sex object, basing her identity on her sexual attributes.

    That’s probably why she is posting those bikini pictures on social media, even though you explicitly asked her not to. She cannot not do it, because this drive is stronger.

    Anyway, in my opinion, she would need therapy. Individual therapy, not couple’s therapy. Because she has her own wounds to heal, and it’s not something you can do for her.

    So far you have been trying to help her, to “lead her to the right path”. But that’s not how healing works, Paradoxy. She is the only one who can help herself. She can only heal through therapy, by connecting to her true self. Her non sex-based self.

    You did everything in your power, and it hasn’t worked. Because it cannot work. She needs to go within and heal those wounded parts. No one can do that for her.

    And you need to help yourself, separately from her. You need to stay away from her (specially from a romantic/sexual relationship with her) and start your own healing. You are a good man, a very loving and caring man, but as you yourself said, you have your own emotional wounds. You tried to heal by helping her. But that’s not possible. You can only heal by helping yourself, by healing your own emotional wounds.

    I hope you can see that…

     

    #428956
    anita
    Participant

    Dear ParadoxMusic:

    The things that I hate about her are the things that torment me. I have not slept properly in the last 3 months. I have been going through a depressed phase of just wanting the pain to end, whether it be through death or amnesia or something… The relationship with B has ruined me for the worst“- this information by itself is enough to make it clear in my mind that a relationship with B should not be resumed, and that for you to not resume it, individual counseling/ therapy is something that you should pursue, so please do!

    All I wanted was to find a woman who can be a good friend to me, who is willing to care for me, and do everything else a wife should do, have God at the center of our life and I just wanted to serve such a deserving woman. I just wanted to find such a perfect woman… And I believed I found that in B“-

    – Talking about religion and marriage, here are a couple of quotes from the bible (online): “An excellent wife is the crown of her husband, but she who brings shame is like rottenness in his bones.” (Proverbs 12:4)- your months-long torment is like rottenness in your bones, is it, Paradoxy?

    That they may teach the young women to be sober, to love their husbands, to love their children.” (1 Titus 2:4)- B wasn’t taught to be a good wife during her formative years (her first 2 decadesof life), but.. you want to teach her in her 3rd decade, post her formative years, do you?

    Back to your words: “she is still 100000x better than most of the other women that I have metEven if I give another woman a chance, I feel like I would constantly be subconsciously comparing her to B, and I do not think that is right nor fair for that person” – even though you’ve been tormented and sleeping poorly for months, you are still motivated to resume a relationship with a woman who (you believe to be) 100,000 times better than most other women. In your mind, most other women are 100,000 worse than B.. so, mathematically, statistically, you wouldn’t be motivated to consider another woman.

    This is your 1st relationship, how would you know this statistical ‘fact’?

    “The feeling of being loved by someone for the first time was literally changing me for the better. Knowing that I had her in my life felt like a factory reset button. I was a thousand times happier, more energetic, no longer depressed, no longer suicidal, no longer in love with that Dark Energy…  But now that I lost her, I can feel the things of the past slowly creeping back into me, starting with self hate... I have grown to realize that everyone else is happier without me existing in their life. All I would be is a source of pain for others... Maybe I should blame myself for breaking up with B in January, which caused her to do what she did… My parents are good people. Though their methods are questionable, their aim was to help me. They did not physically abuse me. But you could say that I was emotionally abused… They have never listened to me. Always discouraging me from what I wanted to do. Even this med career was their fault. I never wanted this. I wanted to do music or computers… I will never forget the pain, the anger, I have endured cause of them… I have had my parents’ anger towards something else redirected to me” (March 23, 2024).

    There happened to be an incident where my neighbor threatened my parents that they would call social services since they saw how I was being treated and my parents took out their anger on me” (March 3, 2020)-

    – it seems like the emotional abuse you received by your parents (who may be good people outside of parenting you, such as being good neighbors) was severe, and it led you to the core belief that you are a source of pain to others.

    Would you like to elaborate on the nature of the emotional abuse that you received, and how it led to this core belief (beyond what you stated in the quotes above, which I boldfaced)?

    anita

    #428986
    ParadoxMusic
    Participant

    Dear Tee,

    Thank you for understanding my pain. Even now she keeps asking me to take her back, but it is very difficult for me to forget what happened. When I initially found out about what happened, one of my friends told me that he could feel the negative energy radiating off me, and I ranted to him about what she did and he said that he wouldn’t mind, that he would forgive. So am I the problem? She sounds like she really regret her actions, but she has repeated the same foolishness so many times that it is hard to just forgive.

    I asked her, what if one day we were walking and a female classmate came to give me a hug and I hugged her back? Obviously she wouldn’t like it. And she would tell me that she does not like it when I get too close to women. Then imagine I apologize and say I won’t do it again, then few days later, she finds me hugging another woman. Then imagine I apologize AGAIN and promise to never do it AGAIN, then a few weeks later she finds me hugging another woman AGAIN. Then imagine I plead and beg for her to take me back and she decides to give me one LAST chance, only to find me giving a friendly kiss to a woman’s cheek. How would she feel then? She would feel like I am not learning. I am not changing. That I am making false promises. That I do not respect her. She would consider breaking up with me permanently. That is how I feel. That is the conflict I am facing.

    “Okay, so you asked her – not too tactfully – if she was a gold digger” Yea I was not planning to play no games with her. I am an honest man and I always speak the truth and I prefer to be straight forward. So I asked her the question. I understand how she felt in that moment. I understand that she felt offended. But at least listen to me when I correct her misunderstanding. At least give me a chance to explain myself. I just wanted to hear her say that she truly loved me. Just like how she asks me every five seconds whether I still love her, and as annoying as that question is, I still tell her how much I love her. But a break up like that is not an excuse to go sleep with another man. I understand that she was hurting but that is not a valid reason to sleep with another man, which actualy proved my parents right. She literally proved that she was the very thing that she denied being. She proved that the stereotype that my parents had about women in general was true, and made me look like a fool for trying to convince my parents that she was the exception.

    “And not only that, but she invited him to live with her” You are right about everything you said except one thing. She did not invite her ex to come live as her housemate. Her ex is actually her other housemate’s brother. There are three people living in the house. It used to be 3 women, but when her bestie (who is actually a bigger cheater than B but they cut ties when B started to see her true nature) left the house, the other woman invited her brother (B’s ex) to live in the house in the vacant room, since he needed a place to stay. But she only told me it was a man. She did not specify that the man was actually her ex. And I had to find out in the most dramatic way ever, where he tried to attack me for being her bf, his jealousy. His face looked familiar to me, so I asked her if this ex was the same man she was half naked with in the picture earlier, but she denied it MULTIPLE TIMES until she finally confessed a year later while confessing the cheating. So that is two betrayals at one time that I had to deal with. B told me that the female housemate begged her to let T live in the vacant room, and that he would leave in a few months because he was going to graduate from law school soon, so she decided to let him stay. And as a very forgiving man, as stupid as I am, I decided to let it go too.

    I asked her again today why she did what she did. And she told me that it was because she felt obligated to, she felt like she should obey her aunt, cause breaking up with me made her feel like only her aunt cared about her. So she just did what her aunt told her to. I understand how she felt, but that does not make it right. But every time she calls, crying and everything, I cannot bear the thought of seeing her hurt, to see her in pain. I cannot. It is painful for me. A part of me wants to believe that she has changed. But I am trying to keep a cold face, pushing aside all my emotions cause I feel that breaking up with her is the best option for me and her. Maybe she will treat her next man better.

    “I am sure her aunt told her that too, and probably encouraged her to use her attributes to find a rich husband.” I feel that if this was the case, I am pretty sure B would have slept with her manager to keep her job. But she didn’t (as far as I know, and the fact that the manager caused her to get fired) so I do not think her aunt impacted her in that manner. I think the aunt just told her that she should take advantage of men, but the influence was not strong enough to actually act on what her aunt said, as she knows it is wrong. And she sure wouldn’t have chosen me, cause I don’t have a job or anything. If she was focused on getting a rich husband, she could have taken the offer made by a rich army man who wanted to marry her (long distance relationship while she was living with the aunt) but she did not take that offer, so I do not have enough evidence to actually believe she was planning to use men herself. She just seemed to be following her aunt’s orders, and that too for only one time. But one time was enough to screw up everything. Based on all of this, she does not seem to see herself as a sex object or anything. She always reads the bible and prays almost everyday. I don’t think she would go against the bible’s rules, but she knows how attractive she is. And as for the bikini post, I think she just forgot that I disliked her doing stuff like that. She is actually a private woman, who barely posts anything about herself. She literally has like one post regarding pictures she took at a modeling agency, and even in the bikini post, it was a status post that had limited viewers too. I think the thought of me disliking such behavior just went over her head cause she sometimes does not think straight. So she did not actually have a strong drive to post the picture, but she still did impulsively. But that means that if she can do something stupid once, she can do something stupid again later. But either way, we were already broken up, so idk if that technicality relieves her from the responsibility of not going against my wishes. But she should not have went against my wishes, especially if she wanted even a 1% chance of me taking her back.

    I thought all she needed was to be loved properly. But I was wrong. I suppose she needs individual therapy. I will suggest that to her. Thank you for the advice.

    Paradoxy.

    #428989
    ParadoxMusic
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    I will try to get individual therapy. But I doubt I have time as it is exam period currently and med is a pain right now.

    “Your months-long torment is like rottenness in your bones, is it, Paradoxy?” And yes the months long torment is like rottenness in my bones. It is deteriorating my mental health and emotional health. I have noticed that I am becoming colder, but only towards B.

    “You want to teach her in her 3rd decade, post her formative years, do you?” Yes I wanted to teach her to be a good wife in her 3rd decade. I thought that I could fix her by pouring out all my love to heal the scars that she had but my love was not enough.

    “So, mathematically, statistically, you wouldn’t be motivated to consider another woman.” Yeah you are right, I would not be motivated to find another woman. And I said that B is a 100000x better than most woman because I observed other people’s relationships, conversations, etc and generally, the women were all annoying, but some were dating multiple men while others were using the men for their money and etc. And in other cases, the men were the problem, as they wanted sex and the lack of being sexually satisfied triggered breaks up too. I only found few proper couples that I am actually quite jealous of to be honest. The guy living next to me started dating around the same time as me and he seems to barely have conflicts with his partner (she is a med student while he studies econ).

    The key phrase that you missed is that I said that she is still the best compared to MOST of the other women that I HAVE MET. So technically it is not a fact, it is just an opinion based on my observations.

    Regarding my parents, the emotional abuse was just based on the fact that I have always felt alone and abandoned. I felt like a burden to my own parents, a waste of time and money. They have never listened to me and they always forced their way on me, always claiming that the path they have laid out for me is the best option for me. They force their family tradition on me, not even letting me date who I want to date (but I guess they have a point considering what just happened).  But overall, dating is out of option for me which is why I had to secretly date B.

    My father raised me the way old fashioned people brought up a man. So that means I have no room for emotions and etc. He always wanted me to think like older people despite being still a child, and that made me never get any chance to enjoy my childhood (I had no friends anyway so them preventing me from enjoying my childhood barely changed anything). We were poor too so I never got to enjoy things other kids got to enjoy, but I did not mind cause I understood the value of money and that I should not waste it on things like video games and etc. But my parents still tried to let me have some fun. My father bought me a second hand PS 2 which was the first time I got to experience gaming but that only lasted for a few months cause he eventually hid it to let me focus on studying but by the time I found it again, ants had already destroyed the hard drive. But anyway, I do not see my parents as a bad people for the pain they caused me because with the bad things, they have done some good things but I always understood the reasons for the bad treatment. However, there were moments like guilt-tripping and other similar circumstances where they would manipulate me into doing what they want without complaining (my father is a pro at psychology, and he is so rigid that everyone, whether it be his own boss, his friends, or our own relatives, knows that he should not be messed with because he always speaks the truth and can put anyone in their place by using pure logic). Everything that my father taught me was logically correct, but I was wise enough to know that there are exceptions to the wisdom he passed to me. I did not let his opinion about things completely blind me, but it guided me to make even better decisions than he did, but I still have a long way to go as shown by the current situation.

    My father suffered a lot in his childhood, worse than me to be honest. He was the oldest among the three children but that means he got treated the worst too. He was abandoned and belittled and treated like trash by his own family and distant relatives too, and he was traumatized by an incident when he was 5 where he was falsely accused of stealing 10 cents and was tortured for weeks with physical beating by his teacher until he had to admit to stealing to stop the pain, even though he did not steal the money (the teacher hated his father because he was a priest so that anger was redirected to him). This event was so horrible that ever since that day, whenever something goes missing, people would instantly be suspicious of him, even to the point of accusing him of teaching his brothers to be thieves as well. The trauma from that incident was so severe that I have seen him cry about it even now and he is almost 50 years old. But these harsh situations made him grow his resolve to be better than everyone who treated him poorly, to the point that he was the only person to have a highly respected and high-earning job as a marine electrical engineer in cruise ships and cargo ships, while everyone else had average engineering jobs or teacher jobs etc. He is also a devoted Christian, always telling me to trust God as his God never abandoned him when everyone else did and he never went against his Christian principles which I respect and follow too but I do not like it when he muddles up family tradition with Christian principles.

    Please do not view my parents as horrible parents, as I am their first child anyway so their poor parenting is understandable. My father was harsh in hammering in foundations in mathematics and other disciplines, but now I realize that hammering in that discipline has considerably helped me academically as well as making me wiser than others my age. I think they tried to correct their ways for my younger sister, but that caused her to become a spoilt brat who always fights them and have her tantrums to get her way (She is 10 now by the way). The main difference between my sister and I is that she received too much freedom and I received too less freedom. My parents still think I do not know what freedom means. They think I view freedom as the ability to do anything, right or wrong, but in reality, I view freedom as the ability to not be limited by other people’s judgements and opinions etc, while also being aware of the line between right and wrong. And that freedom, I will never get, as even now I am controlled by my parents’ desires, and when I try to go against them, they install me with the fear of “what if I am wrong”. The career path to become a doctor gurantees that I will be successful in life especially since I can handle the work load to a degree, but will I be happy doing this? Probably not. Though I like helping people, I don’t think med is the best way for me to help people.

    My parents have influenced the core belief that  I am the source of pain for others, but they are not the main influencer. They have behaved in ways that made me feel like a burden to them but that is just a starting point. The real influence came from my own peers.

    I made a website to confess my feelings for my first crush in grade 9, which became a publicly known thing for which I was made fun of for a while, and I felt like I humiliated my crush and that I was a burden to her. We have barely ever spoken since then.

    Later I made a pressurized vessel as a bomb to kill myself (which I told u about 4 years ago), for which I also became known for after I injured my arm from the explosion to the point where my classmates made fun of me by asking me about information regarding making bombs. This suicidal behavior caught the attention of my church/school friend who I spoke to about my depression and my suicidal thoughts and I specifically told her that it was just a feeling and I do not plan to act on it anymore and she should keep it between us but she told her parents about it, who told the church about it, who called my parents regarding the issue. My parents felt humiliated by that experience and was very angry with me, making me feel more of a burden. I could not forget that betrayal from her and I cut ties with her then.

    Then several months later, her brother pointed out to me what a loser I was and how nobody cared about me. And I realized he was right. I spend my recess times walking around class looking for a friend to hang out with but there was never any who wanted me. This further drived me down the depressive spiral as I felt abandoned by everyone. Not to mention the constant insults I kept getting from my peers. There was no actual bullying, just some hurtful things that I felt were true and I did not have a smart mouth to talk back to the things they said.

    Later on, I had a geography project to do with 3 other people with one of them being a well known girl for being a role model student for others. The assignment was quite simple but I tried to convince my group to make the project different from everyone else, but we ran out of time, and 2 of the members had to leave for another class and the girl started crying as we had run out of time but the teacher gave us some extra time to finish the work but her friends started to berate me for causing her to cry and I felt responsible for it because it was my plan that caused the issue. I stayed behind and completed the project with the girl but the pain of being criticized by everyone there was too much for me and I had to get out of the class before anyone saw my tears cause I knew it would just be more humiliation for me and no one cared anyway but unfortunately, one guy and some family friend students saw me crying and asked what happened but I kept everything to myself, crying in silence for being a burden to others.

    In grade 10 I started talking to a girl who I started developing feelings for as she showed me compassion and friendship when no one else did. I came by so often and my drastic change in mood and behavior was so noticeable that her friends knew that I had a crush on her. Eventually I confessed my feelings for her, which she rejected but a few days later she said she had feelings for me too but then next day she changed her mind cause she knew her parents would disapprove. So I felt sick cause I felt like I humiliated her in front of her friends cause that’s how obvious it was that she was my crush. But then she told me that she told her parents about me crushing on her. That added to my depression cause her parents were friends with my parents and they just stopped coming to our house from then on (the mother comes by nowadays though but they stopped back then) and it made me feel humiliated in front of her parents for feeling the way I felt, combined with the fear that my parents would find out that I had feelings for her.

    Weeks after that, I started searching for online friends and I met with a Muslim girl who I talked to for a bit and we sort of connected and we instantly fell in love with each other. We talked for several weeks before my parents found out and made me break up with her. I grieved for a while cause of the pain but in that time, she moved on to another guy and I took pretended to be someone else to ensure she was happy, which she was. The new guy treated her way better than I could and it made me realize how worthless I am. How worthless my love was. And I had caused her unintentional pain by breaking up with her cause of my parents.

    Then later, I fell in love with another online girl but this one was a rebound, where I felt feelings for her as a coping mechanism to the breakup but that relationship became a toxic one as I was the one constantly pouring out my love while she just took the love and never returned any. She even broke up with me one day, went on a date with another guy, then got back with me the next day. Sounds similar to you? Lol. I eventually realized the toxicity in that relationship and I left her as I felt like trash being with her and I felt unlovable and that my love was worthless to her.

    Then I met another Muslim girl who I talked to daily and eventually fell in love with. But my parents caught me again but I lied that I was not in love with her. But a few days later she ghosted me. So now I was back to square one again. Abandoned and forgotten.

    I got in touch with my first online gf again and found out she broke up with the guy and she was no longer in touch with her other friends. So we talked for a while and eventually reconciled. But then she broke up with me, despite how much love I poured out to her, and she said that she just did not want to date anyone right now. Then later I look at her status to find her dating another man, who treated her poorly anyway and then she ghosted me too. Leaving me there, alone.

    Few months later, closer to my birthday, I used my computer skills to track down the other online gf who ghosted me. I found her and she told me that her parents forced her to cut ties with me, which I understood. I asked her if she wanted us to continue our relationship and she agreed. But that did not even last a week. She ghosted me again. So now I was right back to where I was. Abandoned, alone and forgotten.

    I am grateful that those online relationships did not last cause I doubt I would have been able to maintain it, and it did teach me things about relationships to an extent. But the pain it caused me drove me believe that maybe I am not cut out for anyone. And the other experiences prior to that added to the depression and the belief that I am a burden to others. And combined with my Dark Energy influence, being the source of pain to others became the core belief of my existence. God’s failed experiment, I call myself. Ironically my real name is Godwin but in reality I am a loser.

    Paradoxy

    #428992
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Paradoxy: I am looking forward to reading and replying to your recent post addressed to me, in about 12 hours from now.

    anita

    #429015
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Paradoxy:

    She (B) always reads the bible and prays almost everyday. I don’t think she would go against the bible’s rules… I am pretty sure B would have slept with her manager to keep her job“-paradoxical: sexually promiscuous on one hand, always reading the bible on the other; would sleep with her manager on one hand, would not go against the bible’s rules, on the other.

    One of my friends told me that he could feel the negative energy radiating off me, and I ranted to him about what she(B) did…  So am I the problem?… combined with my Dark Energy influence, being the source of pain to others became the core belief of my existence. God’s failed experiment, I call myself. Ironically my real name is Godwin but in reality I am a loser.“- it breaks my heart to read this.

    Dear Godwin: I have no doubt that there was nothing wrong with you when you were born, in the very beginning of your life, you were not the problem, there was no dark energy in you.  You were not god’s failed experiment. You started feeling this way and continued to feel this way as a reaction to a series of happenings in your very young life and onward. And indeed, from one point on, like your friend observed (and I as well, reading your posts), you do often radiate negative energy.

    I hope that you no longer find some comfort or pleasure in this dark energy, so that you will be motivated to exorcise it, so to speak, and replace it with the light you were born to radiate to the world!

    anita

    #429026
    Tee
    Participant

    Dear Paradoxy/Godwin,

    Thank you for sharing more of your story, starting from your childhood onward. Like Anita, my heart breaks to read how negatively you think about yourself, and in reality you are such a bright guy and there is so much light in you. So much self-awareness, insight, and so much empathy and understanding for your parents. And for everybody else you believe you’ve hurt… I wish you had even a fraction of that empathy and understanding for yourself, dear Paradoxy.

    My parents have influenced the core belief that I am the source of pain for others, but they are not the main influencer. They have behaved in ways that made me feel like a burden to them but that is just a starting point. The real influence came from my own peers.

    What you call the starting point (your parent’s influence) is like the foundations of a house: they are laid down first (in the first 7 or so years of our life) and everything else depends on them. If there is something wrong with the foundations – with our upbringing in our formative years – the whole house will be skewed.

    Through the relationship with our parents, we learn how to relate to ourselves (whether we are good, bad, lovable, worthy). If our parents sent us a message that we are a burden, we will indeed start feeling like a burden. And that belief will be poured into the foundations of our personality. And we will believe: “I am a burden.”

    Everything that happens to us later in our youth and beyond, we will observe through that lens, the lens of being a burden. And so every negative experience we have will confirm that core belief: I am a burden.

    This is what happened to you too, Paradoxy. After your first crush became public, you felt “I felt like I humiliated my crush and that I was a burden to her.” Even though it was you who was made fun of, not her.

    This event led you to try to take your own life, and after it (thankfully) didn’t succeed, your parents, instead of getting worried about you, got mad at you for “humiliating” them:

    My parents felt humiliated by that experience and was very angry with me, making me feel more of a burden.

    This act was your cry for help, but for them, it was humiliation. They thought about themselves, although as responsible parents, they should have thought about you and your well-being. Your school friend actually had more compassion for you than your parents, because she was worried about you and so she told her parents. And her parents told the church, and the church told your parents. That’s how it should be, because whenever a suicidal behavior is noticed in a child, authorities need to react. So everybody reacted responsibly, except your parents, who instead of trying to help you, further traumatized you and punished you.

    As a result, you felt even more as a burden. When in fact, they weren’t fulfilling their parental duties as they should have. They lacked empathy and compassion for you.

    In the next episode, your school friend’s brother was indeed cruel to you:

    Then several months later, her brother pointed out to me what a loser I was and how nobody cared about me. And I realized he was right.

    Children can sometimes be very cruel. So this boy said something offensive, and it fell on fertile ground. It only confirmed your existing belief (which you got from your parents) – that you are a burden.

    I spend my recess times walking around class looking for a friend to hang out with but there was never any who wanted me. This further drived me down the depressive spiral as I felt abandoned by everyone. Not to mention the constant insults I kept getting from my peers. There was no actual bullying, just some hurtful things that I felt were true and I did not have a smart mouth to talk back to the things they said.

    So the same mechanism: your peers were insulting you, and you felt they were right, because you felt bad about yourself. Those insults fell on fertile ground. And they only strengthen the core belief: that you are a burden.

    The next experience, with a class assignment, lead you to the same conclusion:

    I had to get out of the class before anyone saw my tears cause I knew it would just be more humiliation for me and no one cared anyway but unfortunately, one guy and some family friend students saw me crying and asked what happened but I kept everything to myself, crying in silence for being a burden to others.

    Your conclusion was that you cause humiliation to others (like you do to your parents), and that you are a burden to others (like you are to your parents).

    And so on, and so on. Each new experience solidified this core belief. The whole “house” was built on it. Whereas it is not true, it is just your (i.e. your parents’) perception of reality.

    I would like to address the other points, related to your girlfriend, in a separate post, probably tomorrow. I hope at least some of what I’ve written here resonates with you and you see some truth in it…

     

    #430171
    ParadoxMusic
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    You misunderstood what I said. I did not say that she would sleep with her manager to keep her job. I am saying that if she were the person that you think she is, she WOULD have slept with the manager. But the fact that she lost her job indicates that she did not sleep with him, and therefore I am saying she might not be as a bad as you think.

    Thank you for your concern, your advice is important to me. I only radiated the negative energy to him, probably because I am not that good friends with him, especially cause he has habits that I dislike, such as sexualizing woman and “checking her out”, etc. And he is the only person who have said to me that I radiate the negative energy so I think I am doing a pretty good job hiding my pain. Maybe one day I will overcome it.

    Paradoxy

    #430172
    ParadoxMusic
    Participant

    Dear Tee,

    Thank you for kind words, I appreciate it. I am not sure if I can actually have a fraction of empathy for myself cause the guilt of hurting others always overwhelms me. In some cases it may have been accidental yet I became the reasons that others had to go through a bad experience. That guilt overwhelms me. My ex-crush probably still sees me as that creepy guy that made a humiliating website for her, and the other church members probably sees me as the suicidal kid. That was not the label I wanted to be known for, and I don’t think I can change it. But I was never offered a chance to show my real personality to anyone, so they all pushed me away. The one person who didn’t push me away was B, but here I am. Makes me wonder if I should give her another chance since she gave me a chance too. But I already gave her multiple chances I guess.

    “What you call the starting point (your parent’s influence) is like the foundations of a house” I made a mistake, I used the wrong term to define their influence. Their influence is actually minor. The starting point was actually a girl who lived in the same street as me who constantly bullied me. Whenever I tried to make friends with the kids in the community, she would turn them all against me, insulting me, calling me names, making me a laughing stock in front of them. This constant isolation made me constantly on my own. Not having friends and not knowing what it means to be cared for became the starting point for my miserable life.

    By the time my parents’ influence on my misery became strong was closer to age 13-16, which are basically teenage years and therefore I associate my parents’ actions as their method to deal with normal teenage rebellion. However, that does not change the fact that they never thought of encouraging the things that I liked, whether it be music or coding or etc. They never let me have a childhood, always forcing me to “act like an adult” and etc. But honestly, I am not interested in stupid adult politics and etc. They make me sit with the adults but I am literally just sitting near them being awkwardly quiet while my parents do the talking. It makes me look more like a fool in front of them cause there is literally nothing I can contribute to a conversation that I am neither knows anything about nor interested in. The constant pressure of needing high scores and everything in order to get into a college to pursue a degree in something I hated drove me to where I am as well. So I do not think my parents are the foundation of my misery, but they do play a role in it.

    You are right about everything else you said. But have you ever wondered, if others would even realize that you are not in the room anymore? Like you are basically invisible to them. They do not realize you exist until something relevant occurs. Have you never wondered, what difference would it make, whether u exist or not? Is ur existence actually causing trouble for others or would they appreciate never having met you?

    It was my mother who said my behavior was humiliating for them. My father tried to understand but he is the type of person that constantly tells me that suicidal people are idiots and etc. And regarding the school friend, it’s okay to be worried but sometimes it’s better to do nothing than doing something especially considering how delicate suicidal people are. I told her that I am fine and not to tell anyone and that is the exact thing she did. She refused to go along with my wishes and look at where it got me. In a bigger mess than what I was already enduring. All she did was give me more reason to kill myself. But I am a Christian who believes in hell and etc. I would rather spend a 100 years suffering on Earth than an eternity suffering in hell. Yes I understand that authorities should be notified but most suicidal people wants some help, but I did not ask for help cause I knew I was not going to kill myself. The least she could have done is trust me/ respect my wishes, especially after I told her that it was just a feeling and not something I would act on.

    “Children can sometimes be very cruel.” Her brother was no child. This happened in Grade 10, between ages 15-17. He is the son of the deacon at our church. He is like one of those kids who actively participate in church activities. I feel like calling him a child is an understatement. He was perfectly aware of what he said, but I do factor in normal teenage foolishness, but he was still aware. We were almost adults, he obviously knew what he was doing even if its not with a mature mindset.

    Each experience shaped this “house” of mine. Like I stated before, this self hate started with the girl who bullied me, and the combined impact of my parents and other experiences influenced me to believe in this core belief of mine. But the thing is, I knew that this core belief of mine was wrong, but I still continued to believe it, cause I wondered, what if I went back in time to the day I was born and just killed myself as a baby? All these experiences would never have occurred. No one would even realize that something is different about their lives. My existence means nothing to anyone. Even my father has pointed that out to me. Whether I exist or not, the world would continue on, so what is my purpose anyway? That was when I made helping people as my purpose. To be the reason that other people are happy. I adopted other people’s happiness as my own. Watching other people be happy made me happy. I couldn’t be happy myself so might as well seek happiness in knowing others are happy. Otherwise I would just be hollow, someone without something to live for. B was my something to live for. But what do I have now? I am back to my hollow self, desperately trying to glue the broken pieces of my empty shell. Even homeless people on the streets have something to live for. But I have just accepted death. If death was an actual figure like the grim reaper or something, I would gladly come and hug him like I just found my long lost friend.

    I am well aware that all my thoughts are wrong, but it is just how I feel, the thoughts I have, the things I wonder. I hope you understand.

    Paradoxy.

    #430173
    Tee
    Participant

    Dear Paradoxy,

    I am well aware that all my thoughts are wrong, but it is just how I feel, the thoughts I have, the things I wonder. I hope you understand.

    I do understand. I understand what a childhood with emotionally abusive or neglectful parents can do to us. That we end up feeling hollow, because we believe that no one cares, that we don’t matter to anybody, and that our existence is futile. Or even worse, that our existence causes pain to others, like you have learned to believe.

    What I notice is that you seek excuses not only for your girlfriend, but also for your parents too. You would rather blame your school friend who informed her parents about your suicide attempt, than your parents who reacted in an absolutely uncaring way, berating you that you caused them humiliation, instead of stopping to ask themselves what is bothering you.

    But that’s how our child’s mind works: the child always blames themselves, not the parents, because that’s a survival mechanism. The child needs to believe that if only he/she behaved better, the parent would finally show them love, or be proud of them. This happens even with children who are severely abused – the child never blames their parents.

    So when you talk about your parents like that, claiming that “their influence is actually minor“, you are in your child’s mind. And when you speak of yourself as a failure and a nobody, you are in your child’s mind too.

    If we had good, loving and caring parents, the bullying we’ve experienced from other kids wouldn’t have such a great impact on us. If your parents “woke up” after your suicide attempt and sought to understand you – to listen to you –  you wouldn’t have felt even worse about yourself, and even more solidified in your belief that you are a burden and that you cause pain to others. The deacon’s son’s bullying wouldn’t have had such an effect on you, because you would have felt supported and consoled by your parents, rather than attacked.

    Your parents were indeed the key factor in the formation of your personality, and in your ability to take the hits (the bullying, the cruelty) of your peers. Since you didn’t have a soft spot to fall on – a safe haven in your own home – the bullying felt much worse and cut much deeper than if you had caring and supportive parents.

    So please consider that there are two parts in you: one is the adult part, who sees things more clearly and realizes the negative effect of your parents (as well as the negative effect of your girlfriend on you). And there is the child part, who wants to protect both your parents and your girlfriend, blaming yourself rather than them for your emotional suffering.

    Here are some of the examples of your adult mind, talking about your parents:

    They are too narrow minded to accept change in life style. To accept a different method to handling situations. They have never listened to me. Always discouraging me from what I wanted to do. Even this med career was their fault. I never wanted this. I wanted to do music or computers.

    They never thought of encouraging the things that I liked, whether it be music or coding or etc. They never let me have a childhood, always forcing me to “act like an adult” and etc. … The constant pressure of needing high scores and everything in order to get into a college to pursue a degree in something I hated drove me to where I am as well.

    The main difference between my sister and I is that she received too much freedom and I received too less freedom. … And that freedom, I will never get, as even now I am controlled by my parents’ desires, and when I try to go against them, they install me with the fear of “what if I am wrong”.

    The career path to become a doctor gurantees that I will be successful in life especially since I can handle the work load to a degree, but will I be happy doing this? Probably not. Though I like helping people, I don’t think med is the best way for me to help people.

    There were moments like guilt-tripping and other similar circumstances where they would manipulate me into doing what they want without complaining (my father is a pro at psychology, and he is so rigid that everyone, whether it be his own boss, his friends, or our own relatives, knows that he should not be messed with because he always speaks the truth and can put anyone in their place by using pure logic).

    Everything that my father taught me was logically correct, but I was wise enough to know that there are exceptions to the wisdom he passed to me. I did not let his opinion about things completely blind me,

     

    Here is your adult mind, speaking about how hurt you were by your girlfriend:

    Yes, I already considered this and it is obvious that she was suffering from the trauma. But now that trauma is also mine. How can I help to heal her when her own actions created my own trauma? How can I help remove the splinter in her eye when I have a log in my own, which she technically put? But despite that, I put aside my own suffering, and tried to help her as much as I could. For the last 3 months, I shut down my own pain and loved her as much as I could, but the severity of the issue was eating me from the inside.

    The things that I hate about her are the things that torment me. I have not slept properly in the last 3 months. I have been going through a depressed phase of just wanting the pain to end, whether it be through death or amnesia or something… The relationship with B has ruined me for the worst.

    You also realized that you are actually looking for excuses to take her back. This realization came from your adult mind:

    I AM THE ONE WHO IS STILL IN LOVE WITH HER DESPITE EVERYTHING THAT SHE HAS DONE. I AM HERE RANTING ALL THIS BECAUSE I AM SEARCHING FOR AN EXCUSE, A LOGICAL REASON MY MIND CAN ACCEPT, TO FORGIVE HER AND TAKE HER BACK.

     

    In your writings, you are switching constantly between your adult self, who is aware of the severity of the pain she (and your parents) inflicted upon you. But then you quickly switch to your child self, who is seeking excuses and wants to take her back.

    When you are in your child self, you are neglecting your own pain (I put aside my own suffering), just like your parents neglected your pain.

    So in fact, you are doing to yourself what your parents did to you: disregard your pain, your emotions, your feelings. You tell yourself that you are causing others pain, when in fact they (your parents, your girlfriend) are causing pain to you.

    Can you see this mechanism?

     

    #430175
    Tee
    Participant

    And Paradoxy,

    Thank you for kind words, I appreciate it.

    You are very welcome, I truly meant what I said.

    #430177
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Paradoxy:

    You are welcome, and thank you for expressing your appreciation for my advice. Wow, what can I add to Tee’s brilliant analysis submitted about 6 hours ago, written so well. I am in awe!

    You wrote in your most recent post: “They never let me have a childhood, always forcing me to ‘act like an adult’.. I am back to my hollow self, desperately trying to glue the broken pieces of my empty shell… I have just accepted death“-

    – it is very clear to me that what makes your self hollow and empty (“hollow self”, “empty shell”, your words right above), is the absence of Godwin the child. Your parents forced you to act like an adult, they never let you have a childhood (your words right above).

    What are the words a young child often says as he/ she just starts to talk: I want this, I want that.. But Godwin the child was not allowed to want this, or that.

    On March 23, you wrote in regard to your parents: “Always discouraging me from what I wanted to do. Even this med career was their fault. I never wanted this“- Godwin-the child not allowed to do what he wanted to do, not then, not now.

    On March 24, you wrote this about your parents: “they always forced their way on me“- If your parents always forced their way on you, it means that Godwin the boy never got his way. I want this, I want that was met with, no, no, no, we want, and only what we want matters!

    The same day, you wrote about your father: “He always wanted me to think like older people despite being still a child, and that made me never get any chance to enjoy my childhood“.

    Children need to be taught to become responsible adults over time, gradually, but seems like your parents took a short cut and wanted you to be an adult immediately, instantly, way too early.

    What you need then is the resurrection of Godwin-the-child, to fill your life with what Godwin wants.. not irresponsibly, but still: what you want needs to matter in your own life, it is your life (or should be), not your parents’.

    Paradoxy, often enough you let me know that I misunderstand you, that I misunderstood your words. Sometimes it is true, but at other times, you don’t like my correct understanding, so you retroactively change what you said, giving what you said before a new context, new qualifications.. so to reject my understanding. Please don’t do this in regard to this post.

    anita

     

    #430213
    ParadoxMusic
    Participant

    Dear Tee,

    Maybe you are right, even if it doesn’t feel that way. My parents have done good and bad things. They have built me into having the good and the bad. But I am happy with the good they have taught me, and I think the good outweighs the bad. And the bad is good too, cause it lets me empathize with those who have went through similar experiences.

    I am not sure if seeking excuses for my parents and girlfriend could be considered child-like behavior. It would be more like naive but I have been one to not get a chance to prove myself, to show that I am not the creep, the crazy kid that other people see me as. So with that kind of experience, is it fair to put someone else in that position too? Some people just need one more chance to correct their mistake. I know the world is a cruel place, but I want to believe in the good in people. I want to believe that the mistakes that one person makes does not define who they are. That is why I continue to search for a good excuse. Just like how God tried to find at least one good person in Sodom and Gomorrah at Abraham’s request before deciding to destroy the cities full of sinners. How can B show that she has changed if I do not give her a chance? Some people do not understand their mistakes until they actually experience it. Should I not take into consideration the good in people? Even in the case of my parents. When a parent tells their daughter not to wear short skirts and etc, or tells their child to be home before 7 pm, it is not because the parent does not care about the child. It is because the parent wants to ensure the child’s safety that the parent makes these rules. However the parent may go to extreme measures to ensure the safety of the child, and that may include tying the child down in a chair or something. Isn’t that wrong? Technically it is wrong, but if the child is very rebellious or something and refuses to listen to the parent when they say that it is dangerous outside right now, wouldn’t the child have to suffer the consequences? And if the child ends up getting killed for going against the parent, it is not just a loss for the child but also for the parent. In my case, my parents had all these beliefs in their heads that were passed down from their parents. And so they forced those same beliefs on me, thinking they were molding me to become a real “man”. A parent cannot get everything right about how they treat their child, but my parents have explained the reasons behind their actions, their beliefs, so even if they did all kinds of wrong things, I know that their intentions were true. I forgive them but I do not forget them.

    You said that I am in my child self, I am neglecting my own pain, just like my parents neglected my pain. But technically isn’t that most men do? Men have been viewed by society to be strong and etc, and if they are seen crying or anything, they will be perceived as weak. I think I am just one of those victims. Doesn’t most people ignore most men’s pain? We do not have time to feel pain. We have responsibilities and other issues to worry about. I think my parents were neglecting my pain to let me grow into someone that is not affected by pain like this. As a result, though I feel pain in leaving B, I am able to live a much more normal life than I would have been. Occasionally I feel sad about what has happened, but I am able to focus on my priorities more easily. I found out about what happened with B last Christmas, while I was with my parents. I broke down in my room when I learnt about what happened, but as soon as my parents needed me, I was able to wipe my tears away and change my mental state to deal with whatever issue my parents were having. So am I actually neglecting my pain or am I choosing to push it to the back of my mind cause I have other priorities like studying for my med exam and other things that should not be affected by my pain?

    Paradoxy

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