Dear Anita,

I will try to get individual therapy. But I doubt I have time as it is exam period currently and med is a pain right now.

“Your months-long torment is like rottenness in your bones, is it, Paradoxy?” And yes the months long torment is like rottenness in my bones. It is deteriorating my mental health and emotional health. I have noticed that I am becoming colder, but only towards B.

“You want to teach her in her 3rd decade, post her formative years, do you?” Yes I wanted to teach her to be a good wife in her 3rd decade. I thought that I could fix her by pouring out all my love to heal the scars that she had but my love was not enough.

“So, mathematically, statistically, you wouldn’t be motivated to consider another woman.” Yeah you are right, I would not be motivated to find another woman. And I said that B is a 100000x better than most woman because I observed other people’s relationships, conversations, etc and generally, the women were all annoying, but some were dating multiple men while others were using the men for their money and etc. And in other cases, the men were the problem, as they wanted sex and the lack of being sexually satisfied triggered breaks up too. I only found few proper couples that I am actually quite jealous of to be honest. The guy living next to me started dating around the same time as me and he seems to barely have conflicts with his partner (she is a med student while he studies econ).

The key phrase that you missed is that I said that she is still the best compared to MOST of the other women that I HAVE MET. So technically it is not a fact, it is just an opinion based on my observations.

Regarding my parents, the emotional abuse was just based on the fact that I have always felt alone and abandoned. I felt like a burden to my own parents, a waste of time and money. They have never listened to me and they always forced their way on me, always claiming that the path they have laid out for me is the best option for me. They force their family tradition on me, not even letting me date who I want to date (but I guess they have a point considering what just happened).  But overall, dating is out of option for me which is why I had to secretly date B.

My father raised me the way old fashioned people brought up a man. So that means I have no room for emotions and etc. He always wanted me to think like older people despite being still a child, and that made me never get any chance to enjoy my childhood (I had no friends anyway so them preventing me from enjoying my childhood barely changed anything). We were poor too so I never got to enjoy things other kids got to enjoy, but I did not mind cause I understood the value of money and that I should not waste it on things like video games and etc. But my parents still tried to let me have some fun. My father bought me a second hand PS 2 which was the first time I got to experience gaming but that only lasted for a few months cause he eventually hid it to let me focus on studying but by the time I found it again, ants had already destroyed the hard drive. But anyway, I do not see my parents as a bad people for the pain they caused me because with the bad things, they have done some good things but I always understood the reasons for the bad treatment. However, there were moments like guilt-tripping and other similar circumstances where they would manipulate me into doing what they want without complaining (my father is a pro at psychology, and he is so rigid that everyone, whether it be his own boss, his friends, or our own relatives, knows that he should not be messed with because he always speaks the truth and can put anyone in their place by using pure logic). Everything that my father taught me was logically correct, but I was wise enough to know that there are exceptions to the wisdom he passed to me. I did not let his opinion about things completely blind me, but it guided me to make even better decisions than he did, but I still have a long way to go as shown by the current situation.

My father suffered a lot in his childhood, worse than me to be honest. He was the oldest among the three children but that means he got treated the worst too. He was abandoned and belittled and treated like trash by his own family and distant relatives too, and he was traumatized by an incident when he was 5 where he was falsely accused of stealing 10 cents and was tortured for weeks with physical beating by his teacher until he had to admit to stealing to stop the pain, even though he did not steal the money (the teacher hated his father because he was a priest so that anger was redirected to him). This event was so horrible that ever since that day, whenever something goes missing, people would instantly be suspicious of him, even to the point of accusing him of teaching his brothers to be thieves as well. The trauma from that incident was so severe that I have seen him cry about it even now and he is almost 50 years old. But these harsh situations made him grow his resolve to be better than everyone who treated him poorly, to the point that he was the only person to have a highly respected and high-earning job as a marine electrical engineer in cruise ships and cargo ships, while everyone else had average engineering jobs or teacher jobs etc. He is also a devoted Christian, always telling me to trust God as his God never abandoned him when everyone else did and he never went against his Christian principles which I respect and follow too but I do not like it when he muddles up family tradition with Christian principles.

Please do not view my parents as horrible parents, as I am their first child anyway so their poor parenting is understandable. My father was harsh in hammering in foundations in mathematics and other disciplines, but now I realize that hammering in that discipline has considerably helped me academically as well as making me wiser than others my age. I think they tried to correct their ways for my younger sister, but that caused her to become a spoilt brat who always fights them and have her tantrums to get her way (She is 10 now by the way). The main difference between my sister and I is that she received too much freedom and I received too less freedom. My parents still think I do not know what freedom means. They think I view freedom as the ability to do anything, right or wrong, but in reality, I view freedom as the ability to not be limited by other people’s judgements and opinions etc, while also being aware of the line between right and wrong. And that freedom, I will never get, as even now I am controlled by my parents’ desires, and when I try to go against them, they install me with the fear of “what if I am wrong”. The career path to become a doctor gurantees that I will be successful in life especially since I can handle the work load to a degree, but will I be happy doing this? Probably not. Though I like helping people, I don’t think med is the best way for me to help people.

My parents have influenced the core belief that  I am the source of pain for others, but they are not the main influencer. They have behaved in ways that made me feel like a burden to them but that is just a starting point. The real influence came from my own peers.

I made a website to confess my feelings for my first crush in grade 9, which became a publicly known thing for which I was made fun of for a while, and I felt like I humiliated my crush and that I was a burden to her. We have barely ever spoken since then.

Later I made a pressurized vessel as a bomb to kill myself (which I told u about 4 years ago), for which I also became known for after I injured my arm from the explosion to the point where my classmates made fun of me by asking me about information regarding making bombs. This suicidal behavior caught the attention of my church/school friend who I spoke to about my depression and my suicidal thoughts and I specifically told her that it was just a feeling and I do not plan to act on it anymore and she should keep it between us but she told her parents about it, who told the church about it, who called my parents regarding the issue. My parents felt humiliated by that experience and was very angry with me, making me feel more of a burden. I could not forget that betrayal from her and I cut ties with her then.

Then several months later, her brother pointed out to me what a loser I was and how nobody cared about me. And I realized he was right. I spend my recess times walking around class looking for a friend to hang out with but there was never any who wanted me. This further drived me down the depressive spiral as I felt abandoned by everyone. Not to mention the constant insults I kept getting from my peers. There was no actual bullying, just some hurtful things that I felt were true and I did not have a smart mouth to talk back to the things they said.

Later on, I had a geography project to do with 3 other people with one of them being a well known girl for being a role model student for others. The assignment was quite simple but I tried to convince my group to make the project different from everyone else, but we ran out of time, and 2 of the members had to leave for another class and the girl started crying as we had run out of time but the teacher gave us some extra time to finish the work but her friends started to berate me for causing her to cry and I felt responsible for it because it was my plan that caused the issue. I stayed behind and completed the project with the girl but the pain of being criticized by everyone there was too much for me and I had to get out of the class before anyone saw my tears cause I knew it would just be more humiliation for me and no one cared anyway but unfortunately, one guy and some family friend students saw me crying and asked what happened but I kept everything to myself, crying in silence for being a burden to others.

In grade 10 I started talking to a girl who I started developing feelings for as she showed me compassion and friendship when no one else did. I came by so often and my drastic change in mood and behavior was so noticeable that her friends knew that I had a crush on her. Eventually I confessed my feelings for her, which she rejected but a few days later she said she had feelings for me too but then next day she changed her mind cause she knew her parents would disapprove. So I felt sick cause I felt like I humiliated her in front of her friends cause that’s how obvious it was that she was my crush. But then she told me that she told her parents about me crushing on her. That added to my depression cause her parents were friends with my parents and they just stopped coming to our house from then on (the mother comes by nowadays though but they stopped back then) and it made me feel humiliated in front of her parents for feeling the way I felt, combined with the fear that my parents would find out that I had feelings for her.

Weeks after that, I started searching for online friends and I met with a Muslim girl who I talked to for a bit and we sort of connected and we instantly fell in love with each other. We talked for several weeks before my parents found out and made me break up with her. I grieved for a while cause of the pain but in that time, she moved on to another guy and I took pretended to be someone else to ensure she was happy, which she was. The new guy treated her way better than I could and it made me realize how worthless I am. How worthless my love was. And I had caused her unintentional pain by breaking up with her cause of my parents.

Then later, I fell in love with another online girl but this one was a rebound, where I felt feelings for her as a coping mechanism to the breakup but that relationship became a toxic one as I was the one constantly pouring out my love while she just took the love and never returned any. She even broke up with me one day, went on a date with another guy, then got back with me the next day. Sounds similar to you? Lol. I eventually realized the toxicity in that relationship and I left her as I felt like trash being with her and I felt unlovable and that my love was worthless to her.

Then I met another Muslim girl who I talked to daily and eventually fell in love with. But my parents caught me again but I lied that I was not in love with her. But a few days later she ghosted me. So now I was back to square one again. Abandoned and forgotten.

I got in touch with my first online gf again and found out she broke up with the guy and she was no longer in touch with her other friends. So we talked for a while and eventually reconciled. But then she broke up with me, despite how much love I poured out to her, and she said that she just did not want to date anyone right now. Then later I look at her status to find her dating another man, who treated her poorly anyway and then she ghosted me too. Leaving me there, alone.

Few months later, closer to my birthday, I used my computer skills to track down the other online gf who ghosted me. I found her and she told me that her parents forced her to cut ties with me, which I understood. I asked her if she wanted us to continue our relationship and she agreed. But that did not even last a week. She ghosted me again. So now I was right back to where I was. Abandoned, alone and forgotten.

I am grateful that those online relationships did not last cause I doubt I would have been able to maintain it, and it did teach me things about relationships to an extent. But the pain it caused me drove me believe that maybe I am not cut out for anyone. And the other experiences prior to that added to the depression and the belief that I am a burden to others. And combined with my Dark Energy influence, being the source of pain to others became the core belief of my existence. God’s failed experiment, I call myself. Ironically my real name is Godwin but in reality I am a loser.

Paradoxy