Dear Tee,

I have already agreed with what you have said Tee, every child deserves to be loved and cared for and me lacking those feelings made me seek the same comfort in other people.

B told me that my parents and I ruined her life, that she entertained the other men and slept with the guy cause she liked the feeling of not being discriminated against. I had already told her that whether I date/marry her or not is not dependent on what my parents believe, but I did tell her my parents’ general opinion on women, to which she was offended, which was why she broke up in January, leading to everything else. Everyday it is feeling more and more like I am the real problem. Maybe it is me after all. She had told me not to tell my only other close friend that we broke up, but in a weak emotional moment, I told him that we were fighting. She found out and she told me that I lied to her and made her look like a fool. She also said that if I am able to hide her from my parents for two years, then I can also hide a “bitch” from her too (implying that I would cheat).

She said that out of all the fights that we had, the only major one was the one where she cheated, and the one now. That all our other fights were minor and we only broke up now cause of me not being able to forgive.

The times when I was the problem were 3 times, the first one where one of my crushes from high school (who is a family friend so we still talk) asked me about how college life was and whether I cook and stuff and I told her that I cook simple meals like pasta and noodles and she told me that I should cook for her one day. I obviously declined that offer. B saw those messages and couple days later asked me about what I would do if a female asked me to cook for her. And my stupid self completely forgot about the conversation with the girl as I had decided to keep her out of my life by deleting everything related to her (including that conversation). B took offense to that and assumed I was lying and the guilt over the misunderstanding made me suggest a break up, which further infuriated her. Though we did not actually break up then, the tension indicated that we were extremely close to breaking up.

The second time was when she asked me what my type was and I described the type of woman my parents wanted me to marry instead of the type of woman that I wanted, and she was offended because the type of woman that my parents wanted was nothing like her (she still holds on to what I said then despite clearing the misunderstanding). She cried for the night and the guilt from hearing her cry made me want to leave her to remove myself out of her life so that she is not burdened by nor feel pain cause of me, which further infuriated her. We did not break up here either but the tension was still high because I had still made the decision to break up.

The third time was last night regarding my friend, who I told that B and I are fighting, despite her telling me not to tell anyone. And she said I made her look like a fool and that a liar like me can easily cheat on her, despite the fact that she was the one who actually cheated.

The fact that she said that I ruined her life, that I would cheat (despite how loyal I was to her), the fact that she liked how she felt with other men unlike me, all hurt me. Each day she would come back saying that those things were only said out of her anger, which I understood cause in my anger I had called her names, but these names included terms like selfish, narrow minded, brick wall (cause she is stubborn and refuses to listen when I explain) but then recently when she crossed the line too far, in my anger I said that she was a whore (because she was paid to have sex with the man in January), and I also used terms such as bitch as well. This is the first time I went that far in my name calling but I said it out of anger too and I regret calling her those things.

I also had given an example in one of our arguments that if she had crumbled paper in one hand and a clean plain paper on the other, which one would she use to write on, but she assumed that I was implying that she is flawed cause of the men she has slept with (despite telling her that I had forgiven her for her past, but I cannot forgive the one where she slept with another man while supposedly being in love with me. The correct meaning of the example I was trying to point out was to show that I would rather choose someone with less trauma (because she would also cause less trauma), who causes less problems, less arguments, less wrinkles as I write our story instead of someone who has a lot of trauma (which would make her cause more trauma), who causes more problems, more arguments, more wrinkles. But she was offended and hated me for using that example.

Now she is saying that she is only embarrassing herself because she is the only one trying in this relationship and that I am stubborn and refuses to acknowledge that she is trying to change. She said that we broke up over a small reason cause I was always planning to leave her. That is false because when we broke up, we were already fighting about me not being able to give her some time out of my day cause of my studying for exams and when I finally gave her the time, she said that I would rather spend time with my gaming than with her, which pissed me off because she just showed that she was blind to everything that I have been doing for her and I felt there is no point in us having this relationship if that is what she thought of me. Though this would have been one of our normal break ups, the things she did after the break up convinced me to make it permanent: her going to a concert with her girlfriends right after the break up to party (which she knows I am not a fan of cause she gets hit on by men a lot, which is exactly what happened at the concert by a music artist), her going to a resort several hours away to be with her guy friend, hugging her guy friend and his friend too close, her wearing a bikini/revealing outfit (while with her guy friend) and posting it despite knowing that I hated it, going to the beach in another revealing outfit, combined with more arguments with her constantly blaming me for breaking up with her over a “stupid reason”, despite telling her about her mistakes. Each argument was so draining for me that it kept reinforcing my decision to not date her again. She also kept accusing me and my parents of being racists and ruining her life and self esteem etc by discriminating against her cause of her skin tone despite explaining to her countless times that the race is not the issue, it is the influence of the modern society because wicked women exists in all races. Fighting with her is mentally and emotionally draining but a part of me still cares about her. I know that I am an asshole but I thought I tried my best….

All of this just kept feeding my core belief that everyone would be better off without me, and that I am better off being alone.

You said that her compulsion cannot change unless she truly heals and transforms, which I told her and she asked me why I had to break up, why not just give space to each other until she is fully healed, which means she wants us to remain a couple in public but she would not bother me until she is fully healed, after which I could give her another chance to prove her worth. I told her that we are still breaking up but what she said recreated the doubt in my heart whether to give her another chance or not.

My inner child wants her, doesn’t that mean that what my inner child wants is not always necessarily what it needs or necessarily right? So how do I differentiate between what is good for it and what is bad for it?

Thank you for the video suggestion, I will look into it.

Paradoxy.