Home→Forums→Relationships→Breaking up difficulty
- This topic has 10 replies, 4 voices, and was last updated 5 months ago by
anita.
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April 2, 2024 at 3:35 pm #430492
gresshoppe
ParticipantI have a strange problem. Here is the situation. I started dating this guy in November. Fun guy, enjoy his company, but he asked for sex to fast for me. I said yes, and had second thoughts. In December, he kept sending me messages saying he really missed me and couldn’t wait to see me. I felt overwhelmed by the attention and broke up with him in late December. We talked about it and he asked if we could pause instead of breaking up. He is such a nice guy and supportive, so I agreed, and he really respected my space, so I decided to resume with him three weeks afterwards.
Things were going okay, but he kept texting me all the time, saying how much he missed me. Then he started sexting me. I told him to stop and he apologized, but then he did it again. That was it for me, I am not okay with that and am freaked out. I told him that I think we should date other people, and he is trying hard to talk me out of it (he is a counselor). I’m pretty resolute this time around, but now he says he is really sick and can’t handle an emotional conversation. I feel compassionate – I have some health problems and breakups are burdensome – but I’m starting to feel manipulated. I don’t want to prolong this, it will only hurt him and me more. Any thoughts?
I feel mean, but the sexting crossed a line for me, and I don’t feel like I owe an explanation after that one. I discussed it with my counselor, and she suggested that I close the door and keep it shut. He’s not physically imposing or intimidating in any way, so I’m not afraidd, but everything inside of me is telling me to move forward and I don’t want to keep talking about it.
April 2, 2024 at 4:21 pm #430496anita
ParticipantDear Gresshoppe:
“I started dating this guy in November… In December, he kept sending me messages saying he really missed me and couldn’t wait to see me. I felt overwhelmed by the attention… he kept texting me all the time, saying how much he missed me. Then he started sexting me. I told him to stop and he apologized, but then he did it again“- reads like he was love bombing you.
Psychology today/ love bombing: “a pattern of overly affectionate behavior that typically occurs at the beginning of a relationship, often a romantic one, in which one party ‘bombs’ the other with over-the-top displays of adoration and attention. This behavior can include showering the other person with gifts and/or compliments, declaring love early on, and/or taking steps to remain in constant contact and spend increasing amounts of time together. Love bombing is considered a deliberate and manipulative tactic that is deployed in order to gain the upper hand over a new partner…
“Common signs that someone is love bombing another person may include:.. * Early, frequent, and/or extreme declarations of love and affection (for example, saying ‘I love you,’ ‘You’re my soul mate,’ or ‘You’re everything I’m looking for’ on a first date, * Attempts to be in constant contact—for example, bombarding the other person with nonstop texts or phone calls.. * ignores attempts by the other person to set boundaries”.
“Now he says he is really sick and can’t handle an emotional conversation. I feel compassionate – I have some health problems and breakups are burdensome – but I’m starting to feel manipulated. I don’t want to prolong this, it will only hurt him and me more. Any thoughts?… I discussed it with my counselor, and she suggested that I close the door and keep it shut… everything inside of me is telling me to move forward and I don’t want to keep talking about it.“-
– my thoughts: absolutely, close the door and keep it shut, move forward, and don’t talk with him about anything, other than saying that you are moving on.
Is this the super nice guy you shared about in your previous thread (“I met someone super nice, but.. something is missing. There isn’t anything wrong with the new man. Just some level of connectedness that is missing”, Feb 22, 2024)? If it is, you must be disappointed that his super niceness was not genuine, but manipulative, are you?
anita
April 3, 2024 at 12:04 am #430509Helcat
ParticipantHi Gresshoppe
Did you know that sexting is a very common dating behaviour these days. For most people they don’t find it wrong especially when they have been having sex with the person. I would suggest moving forward that you are very clear about your preference for no sexting ever from the outset. You may have to explain to people why you don’t like it because they may mistake I don’t like this for I don’t want this right now.
It’s fair to end it with him because this is not the kind of relationship that you want. I don’t think he did anything bad because these are very common dating behaviours these days. Just that you have different values and that you don’t believe that you are compatible. Which is honestly fair.
April 3, 2024 at 12:54 am #430510Tommy
ParticipantIt is sad to hear another relationship has gone awry. As helcat said, this kind of behavior seems normal in today’s social climate. It is a way for couples to be more intimate. But, you have your preferences. Nothing wrong with that. You two are just not compatible. You have made your decision based on knowing you two will not be right for each other. You just need to stick to it. Separation is difficult for anyone. More so if there was felt a connection by one of the two. Give it time. Just stop responding. It sounds cruel. But it is more cruel to continue this way.
April 3, 2024 at 10:08 am #430523gresshoppe
ParticipantThis is very helpful, thank you. I wondered about love bombing. I travel frequently for work and am also a single parent, so I established my boundaries right away. He agreed, but then will text me on a given night, saying he wants me to come over when he knows that I can’t. And yes, this is the same person whom I referenced in February. My own sense is that he is genuinely nice, but is trying very hard to attach to me because…of something else that is missing? He is going to have to figure that part out.
April 3, 2024 at 11:29 am #430529anita
ParticipantDear gresshoppe:
You are welcome!
“My own sense is that he is genuinely nice“- some people are genuinely nice at times, or in certain contexts.
“but is trying very hard to attach to me because.. of something else that is missing? He is going to have to figure that part out.“- it could be that the something missing in his life is.. sex:
“he kept texting me all the time, saying how much he missed me. Then he started sexting me. I told him to stop and he apologized, but then he did it again“- driven perhaps by the 200 hundred million years old mammalian motivation: to mate.
anita
April 4, 2024 at 10:12 am #430568gresshoppe
ParticipantAll of you are correct. I don’t consider myself conservative, but sexting is a no for me because I am raising teens.
So he has been sick for 5 days now and says he still can’t handle an emotional convo. I’m compassionate, but part of me feels like he’s prolonging it.
April 4, 2024 at 10:43 am #430580anita
ParticipantDear gresshoppe:
“I’m compassionate, but part of me feels like he’s prolonging it“- be compassionate toward yourself as well. If the prolonging of the talk, a talk you want to be done with, is distressing you, you can send him a breakup message online, one that is kind and gentle. He can read it at his pace, when it’s convenient for him.
anita
April 8, 2024 at 6:11 pm #431444anita
ParticipantHow are you, gresshoppe?
anita
April 10, 2024 at 11:41 am #431540gresshoppe
ParticipantEverything is good, thank you. Going to ask a question in a new topic.
April 10, 2024 at 12:07 pm #431546anita
ParticipantYou are welcome, gresshoppe. I am looking forward to reading your new topic!
anita
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