Dear Gresshoppe:

“I started dating this guy in November… In December, he kept sending me messages saying he really missed me and couldn’t wait to see me. I felt overwhelmed by the attention… he kept texting me all the time, saying how much he missed me. Then he started sexting me. I told him to stop and he apologized, but then he did it again“- reads like he was love bombing you.

Psychology today/ love bombing: “a pattern of overly affectionate behavior that typically occurs at the beginning of a relationship, often a romantic one, in which one party ‘bombs’ the other with over-the-top displays of adoration and attention. This behavior can include showering the other person with gifts and/or compliments, declaring love early on, and/or taking steps to remain in constant contact and spend increasing amounts of time together. Love bombing is considered a deliberate and manipulative tactic that is deployed in order to gain the upper hand over a new partner…

“Common signs that someone is love bombing another person may include:.. * Early, frequent, and/or extreme declarations of love and affection (for example, saying ‘I love you,’ ‘You’re my soul mate,’ or ‘You’re everything I’m looking for’ on a first date, * Attempts to be in constant contact—for example, bombarding the other person with nonstop texts or phone calls.. * ignores attempts by the other person to set boundaries”.

“Now he says he is really sick and can’t handle an emotional conversation. I feel compassionate – I have some health problems and breakups are burdensome – but I’m starting to feel manipulated. I don’t want to prolong this, it will only hurt him and me more. Any thoughts?…  I discussed it with my counselor, and she suggested that I close the door and keep it shut… everything inside of me is telling me to move forward and I don’t want to keep talking about it.“-

– my thoughts: absolutely, close the door and keep it shut, move forward, and don’t talk with him about anything, other than saying that you are moving on.

Is this the super nice guy you shared about in your previous thread (“I met someone super nice, but.. something is missing. There isn’t anything wrong with the new man. Just some level of connectedness that is missing”, Feb 22, 2024)? If it is, you must be disappointed that his super niceness was not genuine, but manipulative, are you?

anita

It is sad to hear another relationship has gone awry. As helcat said, this kind of behavior seems normal in today’s social climate. It is a way for couples to be more intimate. But, you have your preferences. Nothing wrong with that. You two are just not compatible. You have made your decision based on knowing you two will not be right for each other. You just  need to stick to it. Separation  is difficult for anyone. More so if there was felt a connection by one of the two. Give it time. Just stop responding. It sounds cruel. But it is more cruel to continue this way.

Dear gresshoppe:

You are welcome!

“My own sense is that he is genuinely nice“- some people are genuinely nice at times, or in certain contexts.

“but is trying very hard to attach to me because.. of something else that is missing? He is going to have to figure that part out.“- it could be that the something missing in his life is.. sex:

“he kept texting me all the time, saying how much he missed me. Then he started sexting me. I told him to stop and he apologized, but then he did it again“- driven perhaps by the 200 hundred million years old mammalian motivation: to mate.

anita

Dear gresshoppe:

“I’m compassionate, but part of me feels like he’s prolonging it“- be compassionate toward yourself as well. If the prolonging of the talk, a talk you want to be done with, is distressing you, you can send him a breakup message online, one that is kind and gentle. He can read it at his pace, when it’s convenient for him.

anita