Dear Tee,

Ok Tee, you may be right, maybe it is due to her external conditioning, I just categorize all of it as stupidity cause I couldn’t think of any other term to describe it at the time.

“B is not stupid, she is hurting in some way.” She said that she was hurt by the break up, she was hurt by my parents’ views on the women today due to the horrible experiences they have come across. But that was just a misunderstanding, because they are not saying that she is a gold digger and etc, they are saying that she COULD be and I asked her if she had any ulterior motives to dating me since there were some signs that were a little similar to a gold digger like when she told me she and her friend were planning to date a med student since they make a lot of money and I am coincidentally a med student. Besides, her own aunt is a gold digger because she married multiple men for their wealth, status etc so what is going to stop B from becoming a gold digger especially since her aunt heavily influences her? So would being hurt by what my parents said be considered a valid reason to prostitute herself?

” If my assumption is correct, she didn’t go to prostitute herself because she was stupid, but (bizarre as it may sound) because she wanted to feel loved, to feel good about herself.” That is precisely correct. She said she felt more loved by other men than with me cause of the stereotype my parents had of women in general in the modern world. I just call it stupid because how can I pour out so much love but she is still too blind to see the difference between the love I poured into her and the love other man poured into her. I said it was stupid cause how can she ignore my pure love for her but love the fake love that other men had for her. Even as someone who has being studying psychology for years, it is still hard for me to wrap my mind around her ungratefulness.

“She told you she wasn’t thinking, and you believed her, but the more likely explanation is that she actually liked these guys’ attention, because she herself admitted that she felt good being with men who desired her.” That is difficult to tell because these men are like 60 or 70 years old, even her guy friend is married and close to his death (I think he has pancreatic cancer but I don’t remember exactly). But maybe you are right, maybe she has the subconscious desire for men’s attention that even she is not aware of. I just thought my love could fix those issues, those flaws in her.

“That’s why I would like to suggest to you to re-evaluate your stance that she is stupid and oblivious. And start thinking of her as someone hurting inside. Someone with unmet emotional needs. Perhaps even someone like you, even though she is displaying a very different behavior than you.” Fine, I could start seeing her like that. And then what? How do I fix it? How do I correct this subconscious desire in her? I thought I could fix it if I loved her right, but that didn’t work. I thought that my desire for her would have enough effect on her to not appreciate other men’s desire for her.  Would a therapist help? She doesn’t have that kind of money right now so that will have to wait.

“You said you loved her and tried to help her heal (I am the only person who took on the role of helping her heal). But telling her that she is stupid, dumb, brick wall etc isn’t love and isn’t conducive to healing.” Helping her heal and calling her stupid and dumb happened in totally different situations. Like I told Anita, I only entered the verbally abusive phase after fighting for HOURS, or DAYS, or WEEKS, nonstop to the point that I feel helpless and energy drained. I am able to accurately describe how she feels and she knows that I am the only person who understands her so well, but that doesn’t mean I do not have a limit to how much foolishness I can tolerate. I am the one who keeps trying to simplify her argument so that she does not misunderstand easily. I am the one who breaks down the situations into bullet points so that she understands where she went wrong. I am the one who showed her how a real boyfriend should treat her. I respected her throughout most of the relationship until those severe moments when I ran out of patience for her bs. Like I am human. I have a limit to how much foolishness/stubbornness I can take. I have a limit to my patience. I cannot be calm 24/7 when she gives me the stupidest excuses of her behavior. Like come on, how can you expect me to not get angry when she sleeps with another man and then blames me for it? It is so draining to have an argument with her cause of how stubborn she is. It is very unfair that I get judged for the times that I was verbally abusive when it is very obvious how wrong her behavior is. But I will still consider what you have said, but I think I need to cut ties with her cause she comes back telling me how hurt she is and etc that I am detaching when it is so obvious that I am detaching cause of the numerous amount of times that she has hurt me.

Paradoxy