Dear Paradoxy,

My gf might have lied to me and slept with another man, but I didn’t know all of that until a year already passed. So for most of the relationship, she never showed me her bad side.

Okay, let’s see whether this is true….

This is what you knew about her before Christmas 2022: you knew that she had feelings for her ex, due to which she broke up with you. You knew that during that time of being broken up, she took a half-naked picture with some guy, for whom she was claiming wasn’t her ex. So it would have been a 3rd guy that she was involved in, in a short time span (later you found out it actually was her ex). And you also knew that her ex was her housemate, and that she was hiding it from you, and when you found out about it, she claimed that it wasn’t something you needed to know.

So just this behavior of hers: that she was hiding an ex in her house (for whom she admitted she had feelings for, and who had feelings for her too, because you said he was jealous of you), and then gaslighting you that you didn’t need to know about it – is a huge red flag. Not only a red flag, but something that warrants the red card (in soccer) – exclusion from the game. This behavior – which you were aware of before Christmas 2022 – should have been a reason to break up with her for good.

But you fell for it, you fell for her gaslighting and her excuses. And you still thought very highly of her, even after that incident:

excluding some moments where she does stupid things, she was actually a very good, loyal, loving, caring woman that any man would desire. She displayed all the characteristics that I was looking for in a good wife, excluding the stupid things that most woman do, like overthinking and not listening etc, which I did not mind cause I knew it was normal for women.

You saw her as caring and loyal, when frankly, I think her behavior with you was obnoxious. It wasn’t something to be forgiven, especially the part where she arrogantly claimed that you didn’t need to know about the housing arrangement with her. But you still saw her as good, caring and loyal.

And I think it’s because you were blinded by the idea of her as your perfect wife, and the physical aspect of your relationship (not just sexual, but also massage, touch, her taking care of your hair, cooking and cleaning for you). I think the idea of the “perfect wife”, which you adopted form your parents: cooking, cleaning, taking care of her husband’s physical needs, might have prevented you from seeing other aspects of her personality.

What I want to say, Paradoxy, is that she did show you her bad side right from the start. But you didn’t see it. Because you were blinded.

What happened later – her blaming you for having slept with another man for money – is also obnoxious. It’s not even the fact that she slept with another man that is the most disturbing – but that she is blaming you for it. That’s the most disturbing, in my opinion.

And yet, you are not sure because:

she uses the technicality that we had broken up during that one week to claim that she didn’t cheat on me.

No, technically she didn’t cheat. But blaming you for it is so deeply unfair and emotionally abusive – that the only word that I have for it is: obnoxious.

She is taking advantage of the technicality and saying that she didn’t cheat and I don’t know how to argue with the technicality.

Dear Paradoxy, you might want to tell her something like “your behavior is obnoxious, you’ve hurt me so much with your lies and manipulation and blaming me for the things that are your fault, and I’ve had it. I don’t want to argue with you any more. We are done.”

In other words, tell her the truth. Because it’s not important whether she technically cheated on you or not. What is important is her attitude: one of refusing to take responsibility for her actions and endlessly blaming you, accusing you and manipulating you.

And what is also important is how you’re feeling with her: emotionally drained, exhausted, ruined (your words).

Your emotions matter. Even if there is no logic behind them (and there is – there is a very fat, solid logic), you have the right to feel what you feel and refuse to engage with the person who is abusing you.