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May 1, 2024 at 11:54 am #432202
Lulu
ParticipantI’m 17, going on 18. I’m about to go to a good college. I have prom coming up on Saturday and three friends are excited to see me. And yet, I feel filled with regret, anxiety, and insecurity over everything.
To clarify, on my mom’s side, I’m the oldest of five children, ages 6 to 14. I have one half-sibling who is 6 while the rest are full. We all live together in public housing and are black. My mom was recently laid off from her job and she has plans to sue them for discrimination (they had offered her a severance deal.) My 14-year-old sister was diagnosed with Osteosarcoma last year and my mom is planning on moving to a new state so she can have research done and get better.
On my dad’s side, I have three half-siblings; one brother between my dad and my stepmom (who is technically his ex-wife, but they’re not legally divorced) who’s about to be seven this year and I’ve known since he was a baby, another sibling who was the result of an affair he had while cheating on my ex-stepmom and was put up for adoption, and another girl who is a toddler and I’ve never seen nor met. I haven’t spoken to my dad in a year now, so that’s why I don’t know her. He has always been neglectful of my siblings and me while he and my mom were married, and would stupidly fight for custody despite not having the capacity to take care of us.
Everything my dad touches turns to shit, and after he ended up getting kicked out of housing, I lost contact with him and he disappeared off the face of the Earth for about a year, randomly getting a text from him (that I later found out was actually from my stepmom pretending to be him when they were fighting) that read “I don’t love you guys anymore, I wish I wasn’t your father.” I didn’t talk to him during 8th or 9th grade until after my “incident.”
Over the summer before I entered 9th grade, I was SA’d by a male family member. Filled with guilt, I was crippled with anxiety and would desperately look things up over and over again to relieve the guilt and fear, twinged with real event ocd. I called my dad, feeling so alone, and he asked me if the assault had been justified (what were you wearing was the response pretty much.) So I stopped talking to him again.
I’d cope by sleeping all day and being absorbed in my phone. When I couldn’t sleep, I’d use sleeping pills/aids to help, even when it wasn’t the right time to use them. I think I was taking them every other day. I was ok with dying at that time I believe. I barely ate and drank. I barely talked to anyone, including my family. I didn’t have any friends at the time since I didn’t have their numbers. I lost ten pounds. I had to do school via cyber school since my mom needed me to watch my baby sibling and because she didn’t want me to catch covid from the high schoolers.
I remember very little of this time. I don’t remember doing any assignments, I don’t remember talking to anyone, I don’t remember ANYTHING of my 9th-grade year. I remember the SA, I remember before 9th grade (although barely) but everything at 2021, I simply don’t remember. Even when I go through my phone and see the pictures, I never remember the context, who took them, and when. It’s like the entire time had been wiped from my mind.
The only thing I remember was at the beginning of 10th grade, my mom wanted me to go back to public school because she couldn’t stand me being depressed and doing nothing in the house. We went back to school shopping and she bought me some jeans. When we got back home, she made me try on jeans and I accidentally broke the adjustors trying to squeeze into them since I was overweight. I broke down crying and said I felt too ugly to go back to school and my mom just held me.
I had a terrible mental breakdown in February 2022, 10th grade (I ended up going back to public school) and started writing a suicidal letter, intending to take a bunch of my mom’s prescription pills and then swallow them, but instead, I just called a suicidal helpline and was convinced to not follow through with it. It was late at night. No one knew what was happening but me. The following week, I broke down to my mom and I was promptly sent to a psych ward for three weeks. I was diagnosed with major depressive disorder and generalized anxiety disorder and then prescribed an antidepressant. My dad was nowhere to be found during this time. According to him, he doesn’t even remember the fact that I got SA’d.
I had lost contact with most of my friends since you can’t have your phone in the ward, but once I got out, I found that only a few people had even cared that I had been gone. I’d figured it was due to my annoying personality; I was an overachiever who knew it to make up for the fact that I had done terribly in 9th grade, so I reinvented a different persona, which ended up falling through. My mental breakdown was over Instagram too; I would post depressed/suicidal things on my story and a few people had even reported it to the guidance counselor, which they told my mom. She was livid with me. She was convinced that I had a personality disorder of some kind, and I was inclined to agree. At first, I’d begun to feel better after leaving the psych ward, but then I’d begun to wish I was dead again. I took antidepressants to cope, but it felt like it did little, if anything. Still, I ended that year with a distinguished honor roll, and with a slightly better outlook on life.
While this was happening, my ten-year-old sister started to have autoimmune problems. She couldn’t run and had issues walking, and parts of her body began to swell with fluid, effectively making her partially disabled and unable to go to school without assistance. Then, my father fell into a coma almost a month later. He had been doing drugs stupidly and they had been laced with other stuff and his heart had stopped. He was in the hospital with tubes running out of him and had almost died, but my mom was there and took care of him, despite all of the abuse he put her through. I guess she was thinking the same things I did; he didn’t deserve to die. So he and my mom started to talk to each other again (not talk talk, but stay friendly and keep in contact).
After that, I began to talk to my father again. He had broken down and apologized for how he treated me, so we maintained a relationship where we could video fall maybe four times a week, and occasionally, he’d take me out to do activities with him. In fact, he drove me to the summer camp and wished me luck. It finally felt like I had my dad back and my life was going right.
Unfortunately for my dad, he and my mom had a falling out in November 2022. He wanted to get back together and she didn’t, so they fought and my dad started his abusive behavior again. Regardless, my dad and I tried to continue our relationship like normal, even though I was getting tired of him treating the people around him poorly. I sent him a long text about how I felt like he didn’t love me and was only trying to ease his guilt, and he apologized and said he would work on it.
I went into my junior year with an overachiever mindset, nonetheless. I had my eye on two colleges; Howard University and a good state school very close to home. I had some drama with a few friends, but it was just typical high school shenanigans. I had plans to take the SAT, score at least 1200, go to Howard, and major in psychology. I was so confident in myself. I had good friends, good grades, a study plan, and a dream school. But none of those things ended up happening.
I had scheduled my SAT for May 5th, 2023. However, my 14-year-old sibling who had been complaining of her leg hurting turned out to have bone cancer that very day. The scans came back and a tumor was found. No one had been expecting it.
I called my dad after almost a month of not talking to him and he answered the phone yelling. I needed someone to take me to my SAT testing center, and because my mom couldn’t take me to the hospital with my sister, that meant I would have to stay home. I was so hoping my dad would have driven me, and yet…He thought that I was my mom. He screamed at me while he was on speaker and my mom and sister were right there.
I hung up. A few hours later, after I missed my Sats, I called him back. He said he didn’t know it had been me on the phone. I said I didn’t care. I yelled, “Your daughter is fucking in the hospital with cancer and all you can think about is yourself!” He said there are two sides to every story. He didn’t even apologize. I hung up as soon as he started talking.
A few weeks later, he called again. I asked, “What do you want?”
He got offended that I had asked him such a thing and said “I had changed.” I had always wanted my dad to love me. I had spent my entire life chasing his affections to no avail. I said he was a selfish person and I didn’t care if he died. He just laughed at that. Then I hung up and never talked to him since. It was May 2023.
A GoFundMe was set up for my sister and a lot of my friends donated/supported my family. Still, my siblings and I were forced to miss two months of school. We traveled to Philadelphia and stayed at my half-sister’s father’s house for about a month. The doctors said she would need a full 29 weeks of chemotherapy, so we were prepared to stay in the area.
After that, my Aunt made me reschedule for my SAT at the last second (she wanted me to get into Howard) and we drove two hours to take it. I scored barely above average, barely in Howard’s range. It was June 3rd, 2023. It had been a month since my sister was diagnosed with cancer. I barely remembered anything for the SAT, my brain was thoroughly filled with everything that had happened. My mom said that would be the first and last time I would be able to take it.
Between June and July, my mom, siblings and I would travel from hotel to hotel to hotel (some were clean and nice, some were dirty and dank, and one had a gas leak to which my siblings and I had to wake up in the middle of the night to evacuate out of while my mom and sister was twenty minutes away at the hospital) in Philadelphia so my sister could stay close to Children’s Hospital to get treatment.
I was left alone virtually; most of my friends, while supportive, couldn’t relate to the situation so it was awkward. I spent most of my time watching my younger siblings. I had also started to fast; I was feeling an overwhelming sense of self-hatred for my body and felt useless that I couldn’t help with anything, so I began to do 24-hour fasting daily. I didn’t have anyone to talk to apart from occasionally calling my friend from summer camp and another guy friend. Everyone else moved on without me. I couldn’t even talk to my therapist anymore.
At the end of July 2023, my mom, siblings, and I moved to a one-floor apartment paid for by Children’s Hospital. We were planning on homeschooling through my other school, but my mom said with my brother’s ADHD and my eleven-year-old sister’s special needs, we decided to just transfer to a school in the area in September 2023.
The school was top-rated. Everyone was rich/well off, the average SAT score was very high and everyone was aiming to go to Ivy Leagues. It made me feel like an imposter.
I wanted to retake my SAT, I did a bunch of AP classes and studied every day. The school was very rigorous and I had a test almost every day there. My guidance counselors knew the situation and asked if I wanted accommodations, but I wanted to seem normal, so I refused them. I signed up for five clubs, and studied for my SAT and AP classes, all to feel like I had a chance at an Ivy League school while I knew the truth deep down.
It was too late.
Meanwhile, my sister had to get leg surgery to get rid of the tumor, as well as multiple rounds of chemotherapy and physical therapy for about five months. She and my mom would be in the hospital for a few days, sometimes a week, multiple times a month, meaning that I was left alone in the apartment with my siblings often.
During this time, my mom cut contact with some of her family, namely her mom and her siblings, because they didn’t make an effort to visit my sister while she was going through this. So apart from my aunt, my mom’s two cousins, and my great-aunt, we had no support from anyone. My grades started to slip slightly, and I had frequent breakdowns because I was so drained between having to pick my siblings up from school sometimes and then watching them by myself and having no one to help me academically. It felt like I was coming apart at the seams. On the plus side, I made really good friends and we hung out all the time. They were better friends than the ones I had back at home.
Unfortunately, I never got to retake my SAT as my mom and sister were constantly in the hospital and I had no one to drive me to a center. I was forced to go test-optional even though I had desperately wanted a good score. In December, I completed my applications to my choice colleges and geared up to move back home since the lease for the apartment was ending at the end of January.
My sister was supposed to be in remission and ring the bell on January 31st, which is why the hospital stopped paying for the apartment. My mom and I had to move everything from the apartment back home by ourselves in the dead cold. It took two trips for us to get all of our stuff with my siblings. We were finally home after six months and my sister’s chemo was finally over. I signed up to do a PhD program from Howard since I had gotten accepted and it seemed all was well. If you were selected, the program would give you a full-ride scholarship to Howard if you were a humanity major. It was like the program was made for me, so I signed up for it and prayed.
However, the very next day (the day she was to ring the bell), another tumor was found in her spine, meaning that she would have to get more treatment for an unprecedented amount of time.
In February, we had to travel back and forth to Philadelphia often so my sister could get chemotherapy. My siblings and I were also not in school during the time since we moved too often to be placed with a school district.
During this time, we stayed at more hotels and had a large issue with one. While my siblings and I were staying in the hotel room while my mom was at the hospital with my sister ten minutes away, two security guards busted into the room while I was taking a shower and accused us of trying to stay for more time than was allowed. I had no idea what was happening and I assumed we were being robbed (two grown men busted in the room, so I think that’s a fair assumption.)
I tried to explain to them that I wasn’t the one who booked the hotel since I was 17, but I couldn’t since I was nude and in the bathroom, so they thought I was lying. It turns out, my Aunt had booked the hotel and the departure time had been slightly off on the website. They apologized and offered us a free night stay, but ever since then, I hate staying in hotels and got paranoid about people busting in my room.
Then in March, a lot happened. First, I was chosen as a finalist for the PhD program and was scheduled to go to DC at the end of March. Despite all my fears, I was thrilled. However, a few days later, my sister was contacted for emergency treatment as the tumor in her spine had begun to spread quickly. The next day, we had to rush to Philadelphia again so she could receive it.
Unfortunately, the doctors pushed the Chemotherapy too hard in addition to giving her steroids, so while she was in the bathroom at my stepdad’s, she passed out and I had to call 911. The ambulance came shortly after and they took her to CHOP where she stayed the night.
Shortly after, she ended up having to get back surgery for her spine. At the same time, I had to go to DC for the program, so my aunt had to take me while my siblings stayed with my stepdad.
I had an interview with the Ph.D program holders, met the other contestants, and left feeling confident. It had been a long two-day process, and they told us final decisions were coming sometime in April.
I came back to Philadelphia and stayed with my stepdad for a few days until my sister got to go home, but on April 7th, I found I was rejected from the program.
I’m not sure why, but that has been my final straw. I got into another good school and rejected Howard sure and I got rejected from other good schools, but it was something about that program that broke the camel’s back. I’ve begun to suffer from more memory issues, I forget where I am or what I’m doing frequently, I break down often and have bouts of insomnia and I have started to incessantly get showers or feel the urge to vent. I haven’t talked to my therapist in almost two months since he’s been on vacation.
I’ve started to become very depressed and antisocial. I barely talk to my friends and I don’t leave the house the brief times we’re there and not at a hospital or a hotel.
A few days ago, more scans came back for my sister and she has three tiny more tumors growing again, so it’s apparent the treatment isn’t doing its full job. Because of that, my mom wants to move to North Carolina to have research done.
The school I got into, while good, also isn’t my demographic. It’s an elite liberal arts school just ten minutes away from my house. Everyone there is rich and white and smart and I’m not. I don’t even HAVE a house, I live in community housing and my mom is currently unemployed. The financial aid they gave me was really good however, so my mom really wants me to go.
I barely had the stats to get in and the only reason I did was out of pity. As far as everyone there knows, I’m a diverse, pity applicant who’s probably going to struggle there considering my bad mental health and less than average sat scores. Also, the main reason I even chose that school was because it was close to home and now, my mom wants to move 10 hours away.
The only plus side is that I can graduate from my old school after months of being out of school. I had some work to make up since I was gone from January to late April, but at the very least, I get to go to Prom which I wasn’t expecting.
I graduate on May 30. My mom wants to leave on May 31st. I’m not sure what to do or how this is going to work out. I barely have friends, my memory is down the drain, I’m not going to have any one to support me back at home if my mom decides to go to North Carolina and as far as I know, the college I’m going to is far too good for me. I feel so overwhelmed and paralyzed that I just lay in bed all day and accomplish nothing but feeling sorry for myself.
May 1, 2024 at 6:01 pm #432240anita
ParticipantDear Lulu:
I replied to you on your other thread before I was aware that this thread exists. I just read your original post above, and I am amazed at how strong and intelligent.. and a good writer you are, considering the very hard times and suffering that you and your family have been going through for so long. Considering your very difficult, heartbreaking history and current circumstances, you are doing very well.
Please stay strong, don’t give up on life and on success for yourself!
I hope that you continue to share here, to vent, to express yourself, as long as it helps, please do.
anita
May 1, 2024 at 7:06 pm #432243Helcat
ParticipantHi Lulu
Wow, no wonder you are feeling burnt out. You have been through so much at such a young age.
I’m deeply sorry to hear about your experiences of SA and your father questioning you about that, as well as the resulting trauma.
I’m sorry to hear about the difficulties with your father over the years.
I’m sorry to hear that your sibling has a difficult kind of cancer. This is horrible for the whole family in a variety of different ways. I hear that it is difficult for other siblings who aren’t given the same level of care as the ill one in this situation.
I’m sorry to hear that you weren’t accepted for your pick of school and that you didn’t get the opportunity to resit your SATs to accurately reflect your ability.
I’m glad to hear that you have a therapist, though it would be great if he could return from vacation soon. I think you’re being very resourceful seeking out people to speak to in his absence.
I would like to reassure you that your circumstances do not detract from who you are. You and your abilities shine through and I don’t think that it is pity that got you accepted at a school like that. You come across as a high performer who has been through some pretty devastating circumstances.
Another difficulty is that your sibling’s health issues are ongoing. Do you think this will have an impact on your schooling? Where will you live if your mother and sibling are moving?
You’re a very resilient person to have been through so much. I think it would be a good idea to be gentle with yourself while you are struggling. You have tried so hard and been through so much! It’s incredible. You are allowed to struggle with such difficulties. Anyone would, no matter how strong they are.
Wishing you all the best! ❤️🙏
May 1, 2024 at 10:17 pm #432245Lulu
ParticipantHello Anita. I want to say sorry for the very long rant, I’m sure it was a chore to read through, but I didn’t have any other place to put my thoughts concisely.
I was on reddit for a bit, but that ended up not helping me, lol, so I decided to come here. I wanted to find a place for mindfulness and a safe space to just exist with other people outside of real life.
About my other thread earlier, my current goal is to be someone like you. I’ve always felt the urge to really get into the grit of psychology, but the main thing I wanted to do was make a difference in the lives of others. I can definitely see why you wanted to go into psychology; you’re doing amazing just with this forum and have helped so many people that you’ve become almost if not a full time therapist.
All of this is just to say, I really hope everything gets better Anita. I haven’t been feeling sure of myself like I used to, and even though I have the opportunity to succeed, I’m feeling doubt on if I even deserve it. People call it imposter syndrome, anxiety, etc etc, but it’s real and it’s alive and it sometimes feels like it’s eating me.
I think that at this point, if I could become half the person I aspired to be, that would be enough for me in life. Thank you for taking the time out of your day to read this 🙂
May 1, 2024 at 10:23 pm #432246Lulu
ParticipantSometimes, I don’t think about anything that has been happening. Even with my sister’s current state, there are days where we are normal and happy and everything feels like it’s feel.
And then there are days where it feels as though the very world is ending for me and I get lost in a sea of bad memories and feelings.
I appreciate you taking the time to dissect my long rant, I know the online guidelines say 1000 to 2000 words, but I just got into such a mood that I felt the urge to blurt it out. I never got the chance to fully communicate my trauma and thoughts to the people in my life outside of my mom and therapist occasionally, so it felt like a weight has been released.
I’m still not sure where I’m going to be once I graduate or how this is going to occur or how North Carolina is, but I pray I have the strength to continue this journey with my mom and my family.
I’ll also try not to rant on here again like I have, but should anything major arise, I’ll provide updates here and there so I can ground myself. I hope that even though Tiny Buddha can’t replace an actual professionally acquired therapist, it can still be a pillar for my mental health as I enter college.
All of this is just to say, it feels good to be acknowledged outside of my trauma and my current situation. It often doesn’t feel like there’s a me outside of it, but right now, it feels like there’s a glimmer in there. Thank you both and have a good night. I’ll continue to float around the website for as long as I feel necessary, and hope to see both you and Anita around here.
May 2, 2024 at 7:03 am #432250anita
ParticipantDear Lulu: I wanted to let you know that I am working on a long reply for you and it will take some time to complete.
anita
May 2, 2024 at 10:22 am #432262anita
ParticipantDear Lulu:
“I want to say sorry for the very long rant“- no need to apologize, as far as I am concerned. I would like you to feel comfortable with any length of your posts! Actually, this post will be very long.
“I really hope everything gets better Anita“- I hope so too, Lulu!
“Even though I have the opportunity to succeed, I’m feeling doubt on if I even deserve it. People call it imposter syndrome, anxiety, etc. etc., but it’s real and it’s alive and it sometimes feels like it’s eating me“- you deserve success, I have no doubt about it. I want to talk about your doubt later on, in this post.
“Thank you for taking the time out of your day to read this“- you are welcome, and thank you for being here. I would like you to stay here for as long as you want, as often as you want, and express yourself at any length per post. You are welcome here!
“About my other thread earlier, my current goal is to be someone like you“- this is.. so sweet of you to say, thank you!
Earlier this morning, before getting to the computer, I was thinking about your original post in this thread, and I want to first, summarize it (Part 1 below), and then, respond to it more at length (Part 2 below), keeping in mind (1) the self-doubt you expressed in your latest post, and (2) the question in the title of this thread: What do I do now?:
Part 1, Summary: You shared that you (17, going on 18) live in a public housing unit with your mother and 4 younger siblings, all are your mother’s biological children: a brother with ADHD, a sister with special needs (same sister as the one with a disabling autoimmune issues, or a different one?), a sister with bone cancer, and a 6-year old half sibling. Your mother was recently laid off from her job and is unemployed.
Your father, after separating from your mother, had 3 children with other women, one is to turn 7 this year, another was put up for adoption, and the youngest is a toddler whom you never met. He is estranged from his current wife.
Over the summer before you entered 9th grade (summer, 2021), you were sexually assaulted by a male family member. Filled with guilt and anxiety, you called your father for help. His response was to suggest that.. you may have been guilty for the assault, if you wore certain clothes. Some time later, he said that he didn’t remember that you told him about the assault.
You had a terrible mental breakdown during 10th grade (February 2022), and one late night, you started writing a suicidal letter, but called a suicidal helpline which helped you that night. The following week though, you were sent to a psych ward for 3 weeks, and were diagnosed with major depressive disorder and generalized anxiety disorder. You were prescribed an antidepressant, but it didn’t seem to help. Nonetheless, you ended 10th grade with a distinguished honor roll, and with a slightly better outlook on life.
During that time (2022), your ten-year-old sister started to have disabling autoimmune problems, and your father- with whom you were not in contact at the time- fell into a coma after taking a drug that was laced with (fentanyl perhaps), which caused his heart to stop and he almost died. Your mother took care of him in the hospital, and it seemed like they were friendly to each other. You were back to talking with him, and he broken down and apologized for how he treated you. The two of you maintained a relationship for a while, did things together, and you finally felt that you had your dad back, that your life was going right. Unfortunately, he had a falling out with your mother after she refused to get back together with him (Nov 2022).
During your 11th grade (May 2023), your 14-year-old sister’s leg started hurting and it turned out to be osteosarcoma, bone cancer. You called your father to ask him to drive you to the SAT testing center, being that your mother had to stay with your sister in the hospital, and he answered the phone screaming, mistaken you for your mother. A few weeks later, on another call, the last call you had with him. You wrote about that call: “I had always wanted my dad to love me. I had spent my entire life chasing his affections to no avail. I said he was a selfish person and I didn’t care if he died. He just laughed at that. Then I hung up and never talked to him since. It was May 2023“.
Following that, you, your mother and siblings travelled to Philadelphia so that your 14-year-old sister could get chemotherapy at the Children’s Hospital there. Your mother, siblings and you stayed in various hotels during that time (June-July 2023), some damp and dirty. You watched over your siblings while your mother was at the hospital with her 14-year-old. Nonetheless, you took the SAT (June 3, 2023), but you scored barely above average, given all the stress you were under.
At the end of July 2023, you all moved to a one-floor apartment paid for by Children’s Hospital, and transfer to a school in the area (September 2023), where you did a bunch of AP classes, signed up for five clubs, and studied for your (2nd) SAT. Meanwhile, your sister had to get leg surgery, as well as multiple rounds of chemotherapy, and physical therapy for about five months, during which time, you were often left alone in the apartment with your siblings. Your grades started to slip slightly, and you had frequent breakdowns because you were so drained. You never took the 2nd SAT because there was no one to drive you to the testing center, but you did take test-optional.
In Jan 31, 2024, the hospital stopped paying for the apartment in Philadelphia, and after 6 months in Philadelphia, all of you moved back home. Your sister’s cancer was expected to be in remission, but a new tumor was found in her spine. In Feb 2024, all of you traveled back and forth to Philadelphia, staying in more hotels. In one of them, security guards busted into the room while your mother was at the hospital, and were taking a shower, because unknown to you, the room wasn’t paid for that night.
In March 2024, you were chosen as a finalist for a PhD program (a PhD program for. undergraduates?) and was scheduled to go to DC at the end of March. You were thrilled, but a few days later, it was found that your sister’s spine tumor had begun to spread quickly, and you all had to rush to Philadelphia again. On April 7th, you found out that you were rejected from the program.
You were accepted to a school close to home, but your mother wants to relocate to North Carolina, 10 hours away. You expect to graduate high school on May 30, and your mother wants to move to N.C the day after, May 31, 2024, and Prom is on May 4, two days from today. About the Prom, you wrote, “three friends are excited to see me. And yet, I feel filled with regret, anxiety, and insecurity over everything“.
Part 2: “even though I have the opportunity to succeed, I’m feeling doubt on if I even deserve it“- you have what it takes, Lulu. Your doubts will continue for a while: it’s a habit of the brain, a mental habit, and like any habit, habits persist. But you can turn down the volume of these doubts, and over time, you will barely hear them.. until you won’t hear them anymore.
“People call it imposter syndrome, anxiety, etc. etc., but it’s real and it’s alive and it sometimes feels like it’s eating me“- the courageous 17-going-on-18 Lulu, is the real thing, she is no imposter. If she needs to fake courage so to survive and thrive in very difficult circumstances, she is still authentically courageous. Faking courage for a good purpose is as authentic as can be.
“Even with my sister’s current state, there are days where we are normal and happy.. And then there are days where it feels as though the world is ending“- when in bad times, do not despair: remember the good times of the past, and look forward to good times in the future.
Focus on the Positive, on the Inspiring.
“I pray I have the strength to continue this journey with my mom and my family“- the serenity prayer: “God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference”. Keep this prayer in mind.
Let’s continue to communicate, Lulu, for as long as you want.
anita
May 2, 2024 at 11:29 pm #432276Helcat
ParticipantHi Lulu
I’m happy for you that it feels good to be acknowledged outside of your current situation and like a weight has been released by letting your feelings out here. Please don’t worry about writing too much. 😊
It is difficult being a teenager with trauma because it can feel like your peers don’t understand it. Many haven’t experienced trauma yet, and the ones that have don’t tend to talk about it and not everyone has been to therapy.
I know what you mean about feeling like you’re losing sight of yourself and getting lost in the situation. That glimmer of you might feel far away, but from an outsider perspective it is still burning strong deep inside. I think sometimes life changes us and it can feel so different that we don’t recognize ourselves. What do you think?
I think it’s incredible that you’re still able to have normal days where you feel happy despite everything you have been through. That shows how much work you have put in during therapy.
Bad days are understandable given the challenges you face. When they happen it is good to give yourself some grace and allow your feelings. Please try to remember to take extra special care of yourself on these days. Do something nice for yourself even if it is small. You deserve that extra care when you are feeling vulnerable.
I hope that you don’t mind if I pray for you? I have faith that things will fall into place for you during this period of intense change. I’m certain that you have the strength to get through this with your family. It won’t be easy, but you do already have the strength inside of you. On the days that it feels like you don’t, that strength is resting and recovering for when it is needed again.
I look forward to next time you decide to share your thoughts and wish you good luck on your journey!
Love and best wishes! ❤️🙏
May 3, 2024 at 9:15 am #432294Lulu
ParticipantHello Anita! I have a few updates rn.
So unfortunately, my therapist has just ended my treatment plan. I’ve had him for about almost two years and he says that he believes that the issues I had when I first entered therapy have subsided.
I disagreed with him, and asked about continuing therapy deep into college and have yet to get a response from him, but my mom says she’s looking into it.
Yesterday, I looked into getting additional therapy and it seems the college I got into offer frees services and accommodations. I’m looking to getting an evaluation for autism once I turn 18 and the college also provides free psychologist services as well, so that’s good.
My financial aid for said school came back and my tuition is 5000 dollars a year. I got the maximum financial aid package as a result of my story, and I’m offically double majoring in Psychology and English Literature so I can pursue both writing and psychology.
Yesterday, I have also started my anti depressants again. I have prozac that I’m taking 10mg of every morning, and I’m hoping that if I stay consistent with the medication, unlike the first time I tried taking it, the effects may be better.
Tomorrow is prom day and I’m supposed to be surprising a friend of mine as she doesn’t know that I’m going. I’ve been out of school for almost 5 months now and just transferred back to my old school two days ago. I’m still nervous about whether or not I’m ready for college, but I’m hoping the prozac will ease the anxiety.
In terms of my sister, everything is going the same. We’re supposed to be moving back to Philly on the 31st, and then my mom is seeing about moving to North Carolina shortly afterward to which I’m talking to her about staying back at home at college so I can take care of the house we have here while they temporarily stay in NC.
My family seems a bit happier. My mom is very excited about me going to prom and I am as well. It’s going to feel weird seeing my friends again after a year of not being with them.
My mom got my dress yesterday for cheap and it’s very beautiful. She’s going to do my hair and prep my make up tonight.
Wish me luck Anita, and I’ll update on how Prom goes. I’ll be on the forum floating around until then. Thank you so much for your support thus far 🙂
May 3, 2024 at 10:21 am #432300anita
ParticipantDear Lulu:
I am sorry to read that your therapist just ended your treatment plan.
“I disagreed with him, and asked about continuing therapy deep into college… Yesterday, I looked into getting additional therapy“- that’s assertive and proactive on your part, I am impressed with you!
“I got the maximum financial aid package as a result of my story, and I’m officially double majoring in Psychology and English Literature, so I can pursue both writing and psychology“- congratulations, and how exciting!
“Yesterday, I have also started my anti depressants again. I have Prozac that I’m taking 10mg of every morning, and I’m hoping that if I stay consistent with the medication, unlike the first time I tried taking it, the effects may be better.. I’m hoping the Prozac will ease the anxiety“- I hope so too. Anti-depressants ease anxiety (and depression) for millions of people, it’s likely to ease yours as well.
“I’m talking to her about staying back at home at college so I can take care of the house we have here while they temporarily stay in NC“- again, you are assertive and proactive, and again, I am positively impressed with you!
“My family seems a bit happier. My mom is very excited about me going to prom and I am as well. It’s going to feel weird seeing my friends again after a year of not being with them. My mom got my dress yesterday for cheap and it’s very beautiful. She’s going to do my hair and prep my make up tonight. Wish me luck Anita“- this is exciting! I do wish you luck, and I am glad that you are assertive and proactive, and therefore, you have something going for you that’s much more reliable than luck!
“I’ll update on how Prom goes. I’ll be on the forum floating around until then. Thank you so much for your support thus far“- you are very welcome. I am looking forward to your update!
anita
May 11, 2024 at 11:27 am #432578Lulu
ParticipantHey Anita, this is Lulu.
I had Prom a week ago by now. It went well I think. I haven’t been to that school in a year and since I lost a lot of weight and was wearing make-up, a lot of people didn’t recognize me. It was nice being called beautiful, even when I didn’t feel any different.
I managed to contact with some old friends, particularly the people I haven’t talked to since I left.
After Prom, I got a few messages from people I haven’t talked to in a while. Some apologized for not keeping in contact. Some said they couldn’t believe how much I had changed. I think what was most jarring was everyone saying how different I looked when I didn’t feel or act any different.
I spent most of Prom hanging outside in a small tent with an old friend and her friend group. I was congratulated on my acceptance to college, especially since it’s notorious for being difficult to get into since last year’s valedictorian was the only person who got in.
And speaking of valedictorian, this year’s valedictorian has been a good friend of mine since middle school. After my sister got diagnosed and I moved away, we didn’t talk. At least until now. At Prom, we sat down and talked for almost two hours. She hugged me and we cried. She said she hopes to see me at graduation.
I’m still on my antidepressants. Yesterday, I got all four of my wisdom teeth taken out, so I’m still recovering from that. My mouth and chin are incredibly swollen. According to my mom and sister, I cried when I woke up from surgery and asked the nurse if she loved me over and over again. They said I wanted the nurse to love me and I kept apologizing for not being perfect. I just kept saying sorry over and over again for not being perfect. Apparently, the nurse said I was perfect and she loved me, but I’m sure she was just trying to calm me down. My mom and the nurse hugged me and told me they loved me and it was going to be ok.
My mom and siblings are getting ready for North Carolina. I’m staying home so I can take care of our pets. My psychologycollege professor emailed me a few days ago so we can meet via zoom call and talk about some classroom plans.
Some highlights of this week; I got to play Smash Brothers with a guy friend of mine for about two hours. It was nice talking to him, especially since he’s been busy with college classes. I also got invited to another friend’s graduation party at Prom, so that was nice.
My current goals are graduating on time with a smile on my face, keeping up with my antidepressants and healing from my mouth surgery. I’m still nervous about college, but I think that I’ll be fine so long as I keep my confidence up, so I think I’ll be fine.
In the meantime, how have you been Anita?
May 11, 2024 at 12:33 pm #432583anita
ParticipantDear Lulu:
Good to read your update! I read your ever word even though I am not responding to every word.
“It was nice being called beautiful“- it makes me smile to read this: beautiful Lulu, it sounds Lovely!
“I think what was most jarring was everyone saying how different I looked when I didn’t feel or act any different“- I guess you don’t feel different from one day to the next, but them not having seen you for many, may days, could tell the positive difference.
“Yesterday, I got all four of my wisdom teeth taken out… and asked the nurse if she loved me over and over again… I kept apologizing for not being perfect… My mom and the nurse hugged me and told me they loved me and it was going to be ok“- I am glad the hugged you and told you that they love you.
No one is perfect: not the nurse, not your mom, not me, not anyone. You are in good, imperfect company, Lulu!
“My current goals are graduating on time with a smile on my face, keeping up with my antidepressants and healing from my mouth surgery. I’m still nervous about college, but I think that I’ll be fine so long as I keep my confidence up, so I think I’ll be fine.”– You are fine, Lulu!
“In the meantime, how have you been Anita?“- tired but fine as well. The rain stopped, summer is approaching quickly..
Take good care of yourself, Lovely Lulu!
anita
anita
May 18, 2024 at 9:05 am #432797anita
ParticipantHow are you, Lulu? (sorry for the double anita in the above post of a week ago, I just noticed).
anita (just one of me)
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