Dear Paradoxy,

I needed to take a break from this thread and trying to convince you of things (about B) that are so obvious to me, and I believe to any outside observer, but not to you unfortunately.

It saddens me that after more than 150 posts that we’ve exchanged, and you knowing that she was lying to you, hiding important things from you, and falsely accusing you – you still choose to trust her word. You still believe her interpretations of events and her excuses:

The issue with her ex was just a coincidence according to her, cause it was supposed to be the female housemate who was supposed to remove her braids.

She only prostituted herself one time, and she claims to have had no choice because her aunt had set up the whole ordeal.

She did go to pool parties but that was before we started dating and she didn’t dance sexually in front of men in that manner,

B said that there was no party the previous night, and she said that she went to the pool by herself before everyone woke up but she didn’t know her friend had also woken up.

So that’s one problem that I see: you believe a liar and a manipulator on her word.

Another problem is that you are deluding herself about some aspects of her character, e.g. that she didn’t mind being told what to do:

B was fine with doing as she was told (idk if she held any hatred in her hurt but she never expressed any hate towards me for being “controlling”). B usually asks me about my opinion before making decisions but Ig sometimes she just never took my advice to heart.

B didn’t call me a control freak or anything similar to that though. I was referring to other women that I have come across who told me about how their boyfriends are control freaks for not letting them party and etc.

She might have not told you in so many words that you are a control freak, but she did tell you in her letter that she felt crucified by your expectations:

Because I was your first relationship, you had expectations, and when those weren’t met, I was crucified but made excuses for it at the same time.

If she felt crucified, it means she felt harshly judged and condemned for her actions. And this means she wasn’t fine at all with doing what you told her to do, i.e. with your expectations and limitations. On the contrary, she felt crucified by them.

I am not saying that her feeling like a victim was justified. But what is for sure is that she did object to your guidance, even if she didn’t express it directly. But she expressed it indirectly: by not following your guidance, by “forgetting” what you told her, by “not thinking”.

So she was passive aggressive about it: she felt controlled by you, but instead of telling you that directly, she simply ignored your wishes. And then she pretended that it happened by accident, that she wasn’t thinking etc.

But of course, it wasn’t by chance – it was because she didn’t want to do as you told her. She didn’t want to be restricted by your expectations. That’s why it happened that “sometimes she just never took my advice to heart.”

Yes, she didn’t take your advice – not because she was absent minded and oblivious, but because she didn’t want to take your advice. In her letter she made it clear that she found your guidance and your expectations limiting and crucifying.

So this is how you are deluding yourself that she wanted to change for you, but somehow didn’t end up succeeding. The truth is that she didn’t want to change, but pretended she wanted to – because that’s how she could stay in the relationship (and be financially supported by you).

To put it simply, she played dumb with you – she pretended she keeps forgetting how to dress and behave around men, and that she didn’t mean it, and that living with her ex doesn’t mean anything, etc etc. One excuse after the other. And you fell for it, because unfortunately, you don’t have a problem believing that women are dumb.

And I can tell you that she is not dumb at all. Her letter proves it. She is quite intelligent and manipulative. Indeed, like a snake (the word you used to describe her at one point).

But it seems you’ve changed your mind about her being like a snake. Now she is again a simple dumb girl, who was too dumb to learn to behave properly. And that she would need more education:

Based on all the time that I spent with her, I think she just lacked good parenting where her parents didn’t advice her well enough.

It seems that for you, that’s an easier qualification to stomach: that she is dumb, not manipulative. And indeed, you are very set on believing it (expressing it in your last post too):

That is precisely how dumb she is.

That is why I said she can be very stupid sometimes.

She is just a very stupid hypocrite. I have to literally spell things like this out for her in order for her to understand.

I have an idea why believing that she is dumb rather than manipulative is an easier explanation for you. But unfortunately, it’s not helpful to keep believing it, because you won’t be able to recognize abuse and manipulation in your next relationship. And you will enter the next relationship with the same false belief that women are dumb and need to be educated – which won’t lead to happiness either.

Anyway, I won’t be able to try to convince you of anything anymore. Maybe some day you will change your mind and start to see things differently. Which I sincerely hope, for your own good.