Dear Tom:

You are welcome. Other tips/ methods: (1) Adopt an attitude of Radica Acceptance of your emotional experiences: to accept rather than reject or resist (The more we resist the unpleasant, the more unpleasant it becomes), (2) Take on an attitude of Courage, according to the principles behind The Serenity Prayer: “God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can; and the wisdom to know the difference”, (3) Look up and listen to/ watch guided meditations online (free of charge), audio or video, topic: Mindfulness, (4) Try yoga stretches (see online YouTube videos) and Tai Chi (if there are You tubes on it), (5) Search for other Mindfulness Practices, (6) Journal privately, or here on your thread, (7) Have Alone Time (away from your partner, to relax alone0, (8) Plan Quality Time with your partner, (9) Understand better, believe, that anxiety never helps real-life situations, so it is to your benefit to not be anxious, (10) When all else fails, go back to The Serenity Prayer, Acceptance and Courage.

anita

Dear Tom:

When you posted last, you were 4 weeks in at your new job; now,  a bit over 4 months-in, and very unhappy with it. Maybe you should look for another job..?

anita

Dear Tom:

Your first post on tiny buddha was on Dec 20, 2016, and I replied to you on that same day (34 minutes after you submitted your first post). In your various threads we communicated in 2017, 2018, 2019, and (following a break of 5 years), most recently, in 2024.

On May 19, 2019, I submitted a post for you that is still relevant today: “Dear Tom: Fear is a powerful emotion and it stops a whole lot of people from making progress toward a better life, a better job, a better relationship, a better anything. When we are too scared, we freeze and stay where we are. You shared about your tendency to overthink in previous threads in the context of relationships. Anxiety and overthinking is often not specific to one context in life but extends to many contexts…”.

As I went over your threads this morning, I noticed that we never discussed your childhood, where I assume your anxiety took hold, and that such a discussion may be helpful. I am guessing that one or both of your parents were often disapproving, critical, and that as a child, you walked on eggshells, so to speak: anxious as a child, anxious as an adult.. any truth to this?

anita

Dear Tom:

“My mum and dad had a troubled relationship“- did it make you anxious at home, growing up witnessing their troubled relationship?

“I have never fully been able to express my fears and concerns with them“- how would they react if you expressed your fears and concerns with them?

anita

Dear Tom:

I will reply further this evening or tomorrow (It’s not yet noon here). If you would like to share more about your childhood, please do. It will help me understand your anxiety better.

anita

Dear Tom:

You shared about your childhood for the first time, a day or two ago: “I didn’t like arguments etc. which did make me anxious as to when the next one would be… He and my Mum had a strained relationship and would often fight. As a child, I hated conflict and would often be worried of what/when the next fight would be. They would be sometimes become very heated, sometimes violent. I would try and appease the situation if I could“.

On May 15-16, 2019, you shared: “I have been with my current company since 2014 and have worked myself through the ranks. I have become a little frustrated with my income there and other issues within the company. I have been offered a new role… I think the concern is just leaving a secure position for one that isn’t. But I know you have to take risks sometimes and this could be one of those times“.

June 12, 2019: “I have accepted the new role and am looking forward to the move. I am currently working my notice in my current position… I know I have made the decision that is best for me as I was unhappy“.

Almost five years later,  May 26, 2024: “After 5 years with my last company I took a new job offer around and am now 4 weeks in, about to start my 5th week. I left my previous job because there had been a takeover and the threat of redundancy loomed… I feel my confidence is draining while I am there and I come home unhappy etc. with it impacting my sleep“.

More than 3 months later, Sept 6, 2024: “More time has passed and I am still not enjoying it and counting down until the weekend and them dreading to go back come Sunday evening“.

My thoughts about all the quotes above: to grow up in a home where there are occasional or frequent conflict,  arguments and fights between parents, sometimes very heated, sometimes violent (your words), is to become very sensitive to any sign of what could be the next fight, so to prepare for it, so to appease the situation whenever possible.

If both parents are present in the home, and one parent is talking to the other and his/ her voice becomes a bit louder, the child emotionally react to the increase of volume with alertness and fear, as in thinking: is this a sign that the next fight is about to begin?   The bit of increase of volume sounds much louder in the child’s brain because of having experienced scary fights before, and fearing the next.

For a non-anxious child who lives in a peaceful home, a bit of volume increase is just that, a bit of increase, and the emotional reaction of the child would be mild or none. But for an anxious child who lives in a sort of war zone, the bit of increase sounds LOUD, and the emotional reaction (fear, alertness) is significant.

Fast forward, the anxious, alert child is an anxious adult in the workplace, and any sign of trouble sounds much louder, or feels much worse than it is (for non-anxious adults) because of the habitual emotional reaction to conflict that took hold in childhood. The anxious adult overreacts, emotionally, to conflict and arguments in the workplace: to those other issues within the company, that you mentioned back in May 2019, and to the takeover and the threat of redundancy that you mentioned five years later, in May 2024.

Back to five hours or so ago, you shared: “My situation is now that I’m engaged and very happy at home with my partner and dog. We have a good life. As you know, I changed job a few months back and it’s not going well as I hoped… I feel stuck as I get paid well it’s not hard to find a new job but I also feel unfulfilled and don’t want to be like this.“- I am glad that your current home life is a good one! In regard to your workplace: think, if you will, what conflicts are happening there, conflicts between co-workers/ management, criticisms.. some kinds of threats (like the threat of redundancy that you mentioned back in May, in regard to the old workplace). You may be overreacting to such. With some work you can learn to tone down the overreaction, to sort of turn down the volume of the conflicts/ threats in the workplace. This is what emotion regulation is about: undoing/ calming emotional over-reactions).

anita