Hi Tee,

I know it has been a while.

I’m glad it wasn’t more and your back at baseline (is it still?). My back seems to be alright. I don’t really understand it sure it’s there I think i couldn’t do a full time construction job.

But it was out of character for her, because she wasn’t a bossy person. She wasn’t a strict, authoritative parent. But sometimes, when she was desperate (believing that no one cares about her), she would lose it, and that’s when she acted angrily and “bossy”. You said it felt “like she needs an illusion of control“.

I think at her core she really wanted harmony and connection and just could not help herself.

Wow, you make a big effort to put all the things together. I’m sorry I didn’t reply earlier. I haven’t read it till now. In a way I bought a new laptop to reply.

It touches me and at the same time feels far away from this moment.

I can see on how I feel that wanting to be recognised, seen, accepted. That I carry a similar burden. It’s hard to create space for this pain and to receive it.

If we lift it to a higher level, it might mean that you are not able to clearly express your NO (towards the things you don’t want in life), but also unable to clearly express your YES (for the things you do want in life).

Yeah, that make sense. I like the words you use to write this. There is fear and freeze involved. It’s also the question of this post.

Okay, I’ll stop here. I made a lot of assumptions while putting this together, so there might be a lot of misses. But anyway, this is my current theory of your family dynamic. Let me know what you think and if it resonates… (corrections very welcome!)

Mhh, I wonder about misses. I think it’s pretty on point.
I often felt like this is made up and I’m in a way justifying something I should rather confront. While I’m replying I had an encounter with my mom and I see it quite clear that it’s real.

The above sounds the same as the conflict you had with regard to your mother: feeling guilty for rejecting her, but also not being able, or not wanting to, give her what she needed, because it went against your own needs, or because it felt inauthentic to you.

If we lift it to a higher level, it might mean that you are not able to clearly express your NO (towards the things you don’t want in life), but also unable to clearly express your YES (for the things you do want in life).

I think this pretty much hits the nail on the head. Thank you for writing it up.

So perhaps that’s why you have issues with envisioning what you want? Because there is a subconscious fear that you would be harming someone else (your mother) if you actually allowed yourself to go after your true desires?

I saw it pretty clear on our last encounter that I’m still protecting her. I’m at a point where I can’t do many things which hurt me while seldom being expressive. By not expressing myself I protect my Mom from worrying or meet her need for control. If she makes a request and I’m not shure that it’s selfless I can’t do it. I think I can’t visit her for a while now.

She’s doing her homework, I see that. She needs to work on her patience. Cause she tries to create the space where she is accepting, easy going, non-controlling and she could hold it up for many weeks and had this quick breakdown where she expressed her worries in a blaming way. It hurts and draws me away know.