I want to add, Carol, that you are welcome to share more about your thoughts,  feelings, about this loss and hurt that you’ve been experiencing for some time now. I would like to read more from you and communicate with you, if you would like that.

anita

Dear Carol:

You are welcome, and thank you for being kind even though my answer was painful to read. I am afraid parts of this post too will be painful to read, I am sorry.

“Is there a specific part of my post that makes you think we are no longer friends but more acquaintances?“-

– yes, the following things which I boldfaced: “she takes a dozen of days, if not more, to reply to my texts… I haven’t met her partner… (she) does not ask me how everything is going for me, or if she does, it’s really rare…I am going through a decisive time in my career. She hasn’t contacted me to see how it’s going… in January, I was really down and I had let her know that I was struggling mentally… I received a text from her 6 weeks later, asking how I was“.

If her relationship was one month old, and she is a busy working woman, or a busy student, I’d understand if she was 3 days late texting you back, or a whole week if she was overwhelmed with work/ studies and a new romantic relationship, and I’d understand her not introducing her partner to you yet.

But she met her partner a whole year ago. Unless she and her partner are long-distance (and only meet once a month, let’s say), and/ or she lives very far from you, how can a best friend not meet the other best friend’s partner for a whole year?

That you told her that you were struggling mentally and she did not inquire about your mental health for 6 weeks demotes her (in my opinion) not only from the title best friend, but from the title friend.

Unless the word friend means not an enemy, or if it means acts friendly sometimes– in that case, I suppose she is a friend.

Like you, English is not my first language and sometimes I am not aware of the connotations of words, but from having looked up friend and acquaintance online just now, the difference between the two is that friends share an a bond of mutual affection, and acquaintances don’t necessarily.

Seems like her affection for and her attention to you as her friend has been redirected elsewhere, not only to her partner but to her partner’s friends (“she hangs out with his friends often“). You wrote that she’s obsessed with her relationship: maybe she hangs out with her partner’s friends so to solidify her relationship with him, to be more of a part of his world, as in, getting his friends to think well of her and encourage him to stay with her.

And since you, Carol, are not a part of her partner’s world and have no power to influence her partner on her behalf of her, you are of no use for her when  it comes to her #1 priority by far (her partner). What do you think?

“Also, I don’t really know if I should talk to her about this or just let it go ? Sometimes, I think it’s a bad idea but other times, I feel like I would at least like to clear the air just in case there has been a misunderstanding? Maybe I could to share my feelings with her, in a non accusatory way, and to give her the benefit of the doubt and let her space to express hers?“– I wish you could let it go, but can you?

The reason I wish you could let it go instead of sharing how you feel with her, is that from what you wrote in your original post, she has not shown interest in how you feel for a long time, and because although she ” insists that she is still ‘there if I need anything‘, in practice, she has not been there for you: not when you had let her know that you were struggling mentally, and not during the decisive time you are going through career-wise.

In the message you think of sending her, you wrote: “I feel like things changed between us and I would like to talk about it because I value our friendship“- you mean that you used to value the friendship you had with her in the past, not  that you value the friendship (or “friendship”) that you have with her now, correct?

anita

Hi Carol

It’s good to hear that your friend texted you. 😊

And good to hear that she did provide some support, even though in some cases it was delayed.

I’m sorry to hear about your sister. That is really tough. I’m glad that your friend replied immediately to you when it was a crisis.

I hope that you have a lovely day!

Love and best wishes! ❤️🙏

Hi Carol

Please don’t worry about writing when you’re busy. 😊

I don’t know if this is the result of her being in a healthy relationship. It could easily be the result of her being in an unhealthy relationship. Especially since you mention that she has a pattern of being in unhealthy relationships.

In healthy relationships time would be made for both partners friends. Sucking up to his friend that didn’t like her, it sounds like she’s afraid of being rejected by her partner. If his friends don’t like her, he may leave her. That type of thing.

You never know how relationships actually are underneath the surface. Sometimes people pretend that things are okay when they’re not. Just have to see how things work out.

After 15 years of close friendship, I bet she misses you and is aware of the drifting. For whatever reason, she is holding back. I will add that people who aren’t cared about aren’t texted at all. Perhaps there is a fear that the relationship will drift even more in the future?

I do understand how painful it is not to have a good level of communication with someone you care about deeply. It is a deeply disappointing and hurtful thing.

It is healthy to invest your time and energies in people who invest in you. I’m glad that focusing on that is helping.

Love and best wishes! ❤️🙏