Dear Harry:

“I’ve never really looked into my past as a child as a reason for how I feel“- look into your past, so much of you is still there.

“I was kicked out of my house a lot by my mum, I suppose my dad had left the house abruptly a couple times and stayed away. I was bullied pretty badly in school and tried to just brush it off, which worked at the time“-  brushing it off worked at the time. It doesn’t work anymore.

You brushed off your mother kicking you out of the house, but your emotional reactions to her kicking you out of the house, as well as your emotional reactions to your father leaving and to being bullied in school, are still ongoing, currently in the context of your troubled relationship with Au (as I referred to her previously).

Most of your recent two posts are about your relationship with Au, and only two sentences are about your childhood. The solution to your current problems is in no longer brushing off your childhood.

I can see that your interest is in talking about the current situation. Yet, I can clearly see that your mental-emotional health is to be found by examining the past and resolving conflicts that originated there.

“She’s funny, very smart, saves money, works hard, she’s going to be very successful and is already on £40,000 a year at 20 years old. She’s conservative (not politically), she cares about me, cooks, cleans, treats me well…“- but if you subconsciously see your mother in her (and in other romantic partners), you don’t see a funny, smart, hard-working woman who treats you well. Instead, you see a woman who repeatedly kicked you out of the house.

“She whispered she loved me last night when we were falling asleep and it broke my heart. I didn’t feel it back… I knew I loved her before she got here, and now I don’t think I do. Next week I probably will again, maybe I wont… I can barely eat. I’m not very hungry again and I can’t focus on anything other than this“-

– from explore psychology. com/ anxious avoidant attachment style: “Researchers suggest that people who are high in anxious avoidant attachment experience a great deal of anxiety in relationships and tend to have negative views of their romantic partners. They need to maintain autonomy and control, which is why they use distancing to cope with the stress that relationships cause…

“Inconsistent or unpredictable caregiving can lead to developing this attachment style… For example, a child may have a caregiver who is sometimes loving and nurturing but at other times cold, distant, or critical. The child may develop a fear of rejection or abandonment, which can lead to a preoccupation with forming relationships and an avoidance of intimacy to protect themselves from emotional pain… Individuals with this attachment style… often sabotaging relationships when they begin to feel too close…

“The first step in building healthier relationships is to identify your attachment style. Once you understand your attachment style, you can work on developing more secure attachment patterns. In therapy, individuals with anxious avoidant attachment style can work with a therapist to identify and understand their attachment patterns. This can involve exploring past relationships and childhood experiences to gain insight into how attachment styles develop… Healing from anxious avoidant attachment is a process that requires both self-reflection and a willingness to change. This may involve examining past relationships, identifying behavior patterns, and learning to be more open and vulnerable with partners. It’s important to recognize that change won’t happen overnight and that it’s a journey that requires patience and self-compassion.”

“I don’t feel scared of her betrayal as you said. I trust her fully. I’m so confused.. Once in Australia, we’ll see where I am“- shine light into your confusion by attending quality therapy, is my suggestion. It’d be a far better use of your money than travelling to Australia. Without therapy, there is no reason to think that the pull-push pattern will cease once you are in Australia. Your pull and push pattern is hurting her.

anita