Home→Forums→Relationships→Happy when I’m with my boyfriend, but upset when we’re not together?
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July 29, 2024 at 11:12 am #435522tParticipant
I’ve been dating my boyfriend for 6 months. This is my first relationship and his second relationship, with his first being a long term LDR. Since very early on I’ve been feeling unhappy, frustrated, and insecure when we’re not seeing each other. With him, I feel generally stable and normal. Of course I have some mood fluctuations, but nothing like when we’re apart. When we aren’t spending time together I am extremely emotional in ways I have never experienced before. It does interfere with the rest of my life: I have cried at work, cried in public, things like that. We have had some conversations about this with him promising to try to improve, but I’m not sure that either of us understand what actually is making me feel this way. How can I better manage this?
July 29, 2024 at 12:49 pm #435533anitaParticipantDear t:
“This is my first relationship… With him, I feel generally stable and normal… When we aren’t spending time together I am extremely emotional in ways I have never experienced before. It does interfere with the rest of my life: I have cried at work, cried in public, things like that… I’m not sure that either of us understand what actually is making me feel this way“-
– it is possible that your emotional attachment to your first boyfriend triggered a painful experience you had in the past, in context of a relationship with a parent, a parent (or a parent figure) who either abandoned you, or mistreated you otherwise?
When a child’s emotional attachment to the parent is somehow ignored or betrayed, it’s a painful experience that tends to awaken in the context of another type of emotional attachment in adulthood: the attachment to one’s boyfriend or girlfriend.
Do you think that this is a possible explanation to how you feel?
“We have had some conversations about this with him promising to try to improve“- he promised to improve in how often he texts you, how long he stays with you on the phone, how often he meets with you, things like that?
“How can I better manage this?“- I think that it will take understanding the reasons behind your emotional experience with him and then, exercise emotion regulation.
anita
July 30, 2024 at 10:23 am #435589tParticipantHi Anita,
Thank you for the thoughtful reply. I agree that this relationship is triggering past wounds. Growing up my mother never communicated but expected me to read her mind and anticipate her moods and needs. If I didn’t do this, she would blow up and yell, throw things, etc. As a result I have a tendency to mind read others and try to keep them happy, and I assume a lot from little things.
My boyfriend struggles with communication and is not straightforward with me about his emotions and needs. He is a very different person from my mother and would never become angry like that, but his behavior has similarities that put me on edge.
We have talked about this issue (and many others), and I feel he’s made a genuine effort to understand me and work on changing his behavior. He did promise to text back faster which immediately happened. He has promised to be more intentional about spending time with me, which I feel is slowly improving.
Emotional regulation is what I’m really struggling with – he has some real problems but I shouldn’t be bringing in so much past baggage. I am trying the normal things to calm down – taking walks, exercising, distraction, meditating, spending time with friends – which have helped a little but often just result in me crying in public.
July 30, 2024 at 10:49 am #435595anitaParticipantDear t:
You are welcome! “Growing up my mother never communicated but expected me to read her mind and anticipate her moods and needs. If I didn’t do this, she would blow up and yell, throw things, etc. As a result I have a tendency to mind read others and try to keep them happy, and I assume a lot from little things“- it is as if I am reading about my mother and myself, same thing. What a coincidence.
“My boyfriend… is a very different person from my mother and would never become angry like that, but his behavior has similarities that put me on edge… he’s made a genuine effort to understand me and work on changing his behavior. He did promise to text back faster…“- it will take a combination of him being considerate of what puts you on edge and you healing from your childhood experience with your mother. Without dedication to healing on your part, no matter how hard he tries and for how long, it will not be enough.
“Emotional regulation is what I’m really struggling with… I am trying the normal things to calm down – taking walks, exercising, distraction, meditating, spending time with friends – which have helped a little but often just result in me crying in public.“- did you ever attend therapy? If so, what was the experience like?
anita
July 30, 2024 at 12:29 pm #435602tParticipantHi Anita,
Wow, I’m glad I’m not the only one with this experience but sad you had to go through that. It’s a hard way to grow up.
I’ve put a lot of work into building healthy friendships and improving my own communication skills which has helped me a lot. But I know I have a long way to go in healing.
I tried talk therapy in the past and had some bad experiences which make me reluctant to go back. One therapist was, in my opinion, manipulative and abusive. The others I’ve tried have been kind but weren’t able to help me improve my emotional control.
July 30, 2024 at 12:30 pm #435603tParticipantSince we’ve had similar experiences, I would love to hear what has helped for you in healing from your past if you’d be comfortable sharing.
July 30, 2024 at 5:58 pm #435611anitaParticipantDear t:
I will share at length with you Wed morning (in about 14 hours from now)
anita
July 31, 2024 at 2:13 am #435618HelcatParticipantHi t
I’m sorry to hear that dating is triggering some trauma for you. Therapy doesn’t necessarily teach emotional regulation, it can give you some tools which you would have to make an effort to practice yourself. But therapy could be helpful for unpicking the memories of trauma from your experience with your boyfriend by processing the original trauma. Another thing they can help with is teaching you how to change negative beliefs which can be limiting.
I’m sorry that you had a bad experience with a therapist. I can understand the reluctance to try again. I think this is why unconditional positive regard is a really important facet of therapy. People often don’t get treat with love when they grow up. A good therapist lets you have that experience of being treat with love and respect for often the first time in someone’s life.
Getting enough sleep, resting, having fun, eating regularly, meditation, exercise. You know, self care is really important for emotional regulation. Breathing exercises, yoga, music. Taking extra special care of yourself while you are feeling delicate is important. You see now why a therapist cannot help you with those things? Do you feel like you have difficulties with self-care? What do you think are your roadblocks for that?
Love and wishes! ❤️🙏
July 31, 2024 at 9:23 am #435650tParticipantHi Helcat,
Thank you for the reply. I have tried addressing things in therapy in the past, and I believe therapy could be helpful. It’s just been hard to find a therapist I really click with. I’m not sure that talk therapy has much to offer me and am considering trying a different modality.
<p style=”text-align: left;”>The thing is – I have been engaging in self care pretty effectively aside from some trouble sleeping on especially upset days. I don’t feel like I’m depressed or unhappy overall. Of course there’s stress and normal ups and downs, but my life is full and happy with all the basics covered (health, exercise, social life, interests). I think you’re right about therapy because I feel like I’ve exhausted everything I know how to do.</p>July 31, 2024 at 11:49 am #435655anitaParticipantDear t:
“Growing up my mother never communicated but expected me to read her mind and anticipate her moods and needs. If I didn’t do this, she would blow up and yell, throw things, etc. As a result I have a tendency to mind read… Since we’ve had similar experiences, I would love to hear what has helped for you in healing from your past if you’d be comfortable sharing… It’s just been hard to find a therapist I really click with. I’m not sure that talk therapy has much to offer me and am considering trying a different modality“–
– (1) My healing started with my first quality psychotherapy experience in 2011-13, and it was Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), with a heavy dose of Mindfulness. I looked specifically for a CBT therapist after reading and completing the Cognitive Behavioral Therapy Workbook for Dummies (one of the for dummies books, good at simplifying things). CBT is about challenging our thoughts, and when distorted/ inaccurate, replacing inaccurate thoughts with accurate thoughts. When this happens, the distress that accompanies inaccurate thoughts is lessened and we feel better.
An example from what you shared in your original post: “When we aren’t spending time together I am extremely emotional in ways I have never experienced before. It does interfere with the rest of my life: I have cried at work, cried in public“: when you aren’t spending time with him, certain thoughts go through your mind, and there is great distress accompanying these thoughts. Thought such as I will never see him again, he must have forgotten about me, etc. would be distressing. CBT would challenge these thoughts, for example, asking: what evidence do you have that he forgot about you? Perhaps he didn’t call you because he is busy? Etc.
If you catch yourself thinking: he is thinking that he doesn’t love me anymore (mind-reading/ assuming), CBT will challenge this thought: what evidence do you have that he is thinking this? Did you mind-read him/ assumed in the past, later to find out that your assumption was wrong? You can read more about CBT online or in books and workbooks.
(2) The Mindfulness part of my therapy started early with my therapist assigning me with a guided meditation ever day(one of Mark Williams’, an Oxford University expert on mindfulness). The purpose of these guided meditations is (over time of practice) to insert a calm space in between distressing thoughts, so that they don’t overwhelm you. This is part of emotion regulation: to experience emotions but not to be overwhelmed. There are other mindfulness exercises besides guided meditations. For example, a walking meditation. You can read further about emotion regulation online and in books/ workbooks.
(3) I decided to end all contact with my mother whose abusive behaviors over the years and decades have damaged me greatly. Last time I talked with her was on the phone in 2013. It took me a long time to feel okay about the no-contact, but it helped with my healing.
(4) I’ve been involved in these forums daily since May 2015, communicating with many hundreds of people over the years, and it’s been part of my healing.
(5) My irl interactions and communications with people increased, and that too, has been part of my healing.
What are your thoughts about what I shared so far?
anita
July 31, 2024 at 1:34 pm #435656tParticipant<p style=”text-align: left;”>Hi Anita,</p>
Thanks for sharing, the dedication you’ve had to healing is really impressive.On the topic of CBT – this was one of the things that just didn’t work for me at therapy. I can usually tell when I’m assuming and/or overreacting. But with my boyfriend, he admits that I’ve been right every time I’ve been upset with him. For example I could tell when he was avoiding me despite him saying everything was okay, and it took multiple efforts at talking and expressing that it was hurting me for him to admit what was going on. My problem wasn’t that he might want some space, but more that I wanted him to be upfront with me about it. This pattern has repeated in smaller incidents. Such as, he will give very slow text responses to plans when he feels some hesitation about them, but he has never explicitly communicated that until later.
So I don’t think my problem is that I’m imagining things, but more that I overreact emotionally if that makes sense. He has promised to work on communication and I’ve noticed he’s been more open with me recently so I want to be more patient and give him a chance to change. With some of these issues, they’re so minor and I want to stay calmer despite feeling frustrated.
I definitely want to look more into mindfulness. Meditation skills have helped me a lot in the last few years and from my understanding mindfulness is similar. And I totally understand how increased social interaction can help. I have always felt my anxiety and people pleasing tendencies worsen when feeling isolated and lonely. I’m glad you’ve been able to build a community, these forums have been so helpful to me too even in this short period of time.
I’m happy to hear that going no contact has helped you – I’ve thought a lot about this and will probably also take that path eventually. It’s such a difficult decision to make.
July 31, 2024 at 2:20 pm #435659anitaParticipantDear t:
You are welcome and thank you for your appreciation and support!
“On the topic of CBT – this was one of the things that just didn’t work for me at therapy… I don’t think my problem is that I’m imagining things, but more that I overreact emotionally“- when you overreact (ex., crying at work or in public) to him not being honest and direct with you about how he feels (something he admits to and trying to change), what thoughts go through your mind, if any?
Can you give me an example of what specifically he said or did (or didn’t) that led to one of your biggest overreactions?
(I will soon be away from the computer for a few hours).
anita
August 1, 2024 at 9:22 am #435698tParticipantHi Anita,
The most recent conflict from my end was: I invited him to plans and he gave a weird, clearly fake semi-excuse, then invited me to the same plans that he just said had a time conflict with my plans. (I feel that this is so vague so in more detail, he said something like “I might be going to dinner with x so I’m not sure I’ll be able to make it, but you guys should definitely come to dinner!”). My plans were for 3pm and never would’ve interfered with dinner and we ended up going to both. The situation was a little more complicated but that’s mainly what happenef.
This annoyed me a lot because I have repeatedly told him just to tell me if he doesn’t want to do something. He will insist that he doesn’t have any doubts and was giving a legitimate excuse, until I push harder and he admits that he had a lot of concerns about my plans. Then we had a conversation about why I want him to be more straightforward with me, and he says he thinks that’s reasonable and will try harder.
He has held really big concerns without bringing anything up, and I also sense that something is happening right now which is upsetting me as well – he is giving little hints but I think is unable/unwilling to explicitly address it.
My overreactions start as just emotional pain and lead to thoughts like: this relationship is not going to work, and I am destroying myself staying. My boyfriend isn’t mature enough to be in a relationship. I know this is bad for me so I should initiate a breakup. To be clear, I don’t have these thoughts when I’m feeling well (obviously), but I also have brought up so much with him and want to give the relationship a chance to settle and grow before ending things. But sadly I’m not sure that any of my thoughts are wrong.
August 1, 2024 at 9:52 am #435701anitaParticipantDear t:
“I have repeatedly told him just to tell me if he doesn’t want to do something. He will insist that he doesn’t have any doubts and was giving a legitimate excuse, until I push harder and he admits that he had a lot of concerns about my plans. Then we had a conversation about why I want him to be more straightforward with me, and he says he thinks that’s reasonable and will try harder… My boyfriend isn’t mature enough… I’m not sure that any of my thoughts are wrong.“- seems to me that your thoughts are not wrong. There is something unbelievable in him shifting from.. basically lying to saying he’ll try harder: try harder to be honest?
Seems like his dishonesty (a limited kind of dishonesty, I understand, in the context of giving excuses and not revealing the truth to you) is a habit on his part. Habits are difficult to break even when one is trying.
anita
August 2, 2024 at 1:44 pm #435757RobertaParticipantDear t
The most recent conflict from my end was: I invited him to plans and he gave a weird, clearly fake semi-excuse, then invited me to the same plans that he just said had a time conflict with my plans. (I feel that this is so vague so in more detail, he said something like “I might be going to dinner with x so I’m not sure I’ll be able to make it, but you guys should definitely come to dinner!”). My plans were for 3pm and never would’ve interfered with dinner and we ended up going to both. The situation was a little more complicated but that’s mainly what happenef.
This annoyed me a lot because I have repeatedly told him just to tell me if he doesn’t want to do something. He will insist that he doesn’t have any doubts and was giving a legitimate excuse, until I push harder and he admits that he had a lot of concerns about my plans
We all have different speeds to requests/suggestions, sometimes we can answer in the affirmative quickly and other situations we may need more time to make a response and this may not suit the other persons.
If you keep interrogating your boyfriend of course he will eventually crack and give you the answer you are demanding, basically he is dammed if he does and he is dammed if he doesn’t. Which of course is not satisfactory for either person and does not improve the chances of open dialogue in the future.
My friend & her husband have come up with a list of colours and number scale to help them communicate with each other ie blue for depressed, red angry, pink excited, green jealousy/envy, brown confused, orange anxious, purple conflicted, black tired and 1 for a little to ten alot.
Kind regards
Roberta
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