fbpx
Menu

Should I keep in touch with them

Home→Forums→Relationships→Should I keep in touch with them

New Reply
Viewing 15 posts - 1 through 15 (of 21 total)
1 2
  • Author
    Posts
  • September 13, 2024 at 3:03 pm #438101
    Krish
    Participant

    I faced domestic violence in my marriage right from the beginning and it was too much emotional abuse in a foreign country . I got a knife injury from my ex and i separated from him 10 years ago and got a mutual divorce 5 years ago

    i didn’t claim compensation or alimony or property and let him go and didn’t file a domestic violence case against him

    i didn’t have the energy to cope with a divorce case and want to steer clear of toxicity and hence signed a mutual consent. I didn’t have children as my ex withheld intimacy and all I had was turmoil in my marriage

    I told my ex extended in laws to not contact me anymore as it reminds of the past and I got diagnosed with ptsd and this mental health issue is preventing me from getting healed and getting remarried. I have put a lot of proposals on hold because of the fear

    my in-laws and us don’t have common friends or relatives and I had an arranged marriage. My exs parents are one of a selfish kind and I don’t have any contact with them right from the day I separated

    I want a clear cut from them . Is it okay if I block one of my extended friends and family ( who were good to me) as I don’t trust them and I get reminded of my toxic past

    i feel they are interacting with me to know what is happening in my life and conveying it to their family members

    I don’t have children and I have given a mutual consent divorce and I don’t want more issues in my life and want to lead my life peacefully

     

    should I block them and am I reasonable to do so?

    I would be grateful if you could suggest me this

    i

    September 13, 2024 at 3:05 pm #438102
    Krish
    Participant

    Let me clarify it is my exs aunt ( a blood relative) who is keeping in touch with me constantly. I know she is a good human being but still didn’t support when I was suffering and I want a clean cut for good . Should I block her

    September 14, 2024 at 8:35 am #438106
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Krish:

    You shared that right from the beginning of your arranged marriage, he (your now ex) withheld intimacy from you, and he perpetrated domestic violence on you, including an attack with a knife, as well as, as you phrased it, too much emotional abuse. Neither his parents (your ex-in-laws), who you refer to as being of a selfish kind (I like how you phrase things), nor his  aunt, who you refer to as a good human being, supported you during the marriage, throughout your suffering.

    Nor did they support you, if I understand correctly, during the separation from your ex (10 years ago), or during the divorce (5 years ago): “I didn’t claim compensation or alimony or property and let him go and didn’t file a domestic violence case against him. I didn’t have the energy to cope with a divorce case and want to steer clear of toxicity and hence signed a mutual consent“- neither his parents nor his aunt were there for you to advocate for your rights: to file a domestic violence case against him, and to claim alimony and your share of property.

    They knew (including his aunt) that you were living in a foreign country, away from your blood relatives (as I understand it), and yet, they did not support you throughout the marriage. And they didn’t support you during the separation and divorce, at least not in terms of advocating for your rights.

    “I told my ex extended in laws to not contact me anymore as it reminds of the past and I got diagnosed with ptsd and this mental health issue is preventing me from getting healed and getting remarried“- for a person suffering from PTSD, having no contact with the perpetrator of violence, physical and emotional violence, as well with the people who knew of the violence, and yet actively or passively (by remaining quiet) supported the perpetrator, makes sense. It is definitely your right, and.. it’s the right thing to do, for your healing.

    In regard to his aunt, you asked: “Is it okay if I block one of my extended friends and family (who were good to me) as I don’t trust them and I get reminded of my toxic past. I feel they are interacting with me to know what is happening in my life and conveying it to their family members.. I don’t want more issues in my life and want to lead my life peacefully. Should I block them and am I reasonable to do so?… (She) is keeping in touch with me constantly. I know she is a good human being but still didn’t support when I was suffering and I want a clean cut for good. Should I block her“?-

    – Yes! She may be a good human being in some ways, but a truly good person does not passively support a perpetrator of violence against an innocent victim.

    She may have supported the perpetrator (your ex) actively during the separation and divorce by gathering information from you and passing it on to him, so to promote a no legal consequences for his violence, as well as a no-cost divorce, for him. She has been keeping in touch with you constantly, perhaps because her past role of promoting her nephew’s interests made her feel powerful, so she keeps her role going (the information gatherer). I would definitely  stay away from her, if I was you: no contact of any kind!

    Appearances (ex., appearing like a good person) can be deceiving.

    I am sorry that you had such a terrible marriage, if it can be called a marriage (if there was no physical intimacy, it could be annulled/ made void, in some places in the world).

    I see that you posted a reply to another member on July 26 (more than 1.5 months ago), an excellent reply, where you advised the member to: “Consult a suitable psychologist to help cope with your divorce and don’t do dating to seek support from women there. They are not trained psychologists. If you go for a divorce, finalise your divorce, heal from the divorce, self reflect about your past relationship failure, work on yourself and go for dating… This is a forum for support and we intend good outcomes for you. All the best.“- I wish you, Krish, healing from your marriage and divorce, and that once you healed enough, if you want a love marriage for yourself, that you find a suitable partner so to make it happen.

    I hope to read more from you, here on your thread, and in others’ threads, as a responder (if you would like that, of course).

    anita

    September 14, 2024 at 11:15 am #438114
    Krish
    Participant

    Dear Anita

    Thank you so much for the response. I have blocked her and one of the other friends as well. I pray that I don’t come across my ex and his friends and family in my life anymore. I want to forget those years of my marriage and I know that these don’t define me. If she really meant well for me ( I do give benefit of doubt), the only thing I can do within my capacity is pray for her and her family.

     

    These days other people’s( my ex inlaws and their extended family )validation and approval doesn’t affect me. I trust my conscience. People try to manipulate me by saying that they have issues with my exs family because they took sides with me and supported me. I said to them of lately that in a domestic violence scenario there is no room for taking sides as the perpetrator will abuse for petty reasons and is unreasonable.

    It is a way of making me responsible for issues in their relationship. I don’t resort to manipulation and told my ex inlaws and husband’s opinion doesn’t matter as they have reasoning impairment.

    Thank you for the acknowledgement and your lovely approval for my suggestion for someone’s post. I will continue to post and respond if it is within my domain of knowledge.

     

    Thank you for being very supportive and I am happy to be part of this forum.

    September 14, 2024 at 11:19 pm #438116
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Krish: You are very welcome! I will reply further in the next day or so.

    anita

    September 15, 2024 at 8:10 am #438122
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Krish:

    “I want to forget those years of my marriage and I know that these don’t define me“- seems to me that the honesty, kindness, and reasonable thinking that you displayed in this thread, as well as your courage and grace.. these are some of the things that define you.

    “If she really meant well for me (I do give benefit of doubt), the only thing I can do within my capacity is pray for her and her family“- excellent attitude and approach. Reading this reminded me to do the same in regard to some people in my life.

    “I trust my conscience“- a major factor in one’s mental health.

    “People try to manipulate me by saying that they have issues with my ex’s family because they took sides with me and supported me…  It is a way of making me responsible for issues in their relationship. I don’t resort to manipulation“- so, your ex’s family was not satisfied with him getting away with no legal consequences for his violence against you, and with him getting out of the marriage with zero financial cost to him.. they also don’t want anyone saying something that’s supportive of the victim.. ?

    “I said to them of lately that in a domestic violence scenario there is no room for taking sides as the perpetrator will abuse for petty reasons and is unreasonable“- yes.

    “Thank you for being very supportive and I am happy to be part of this forum.“- you are welcome, and thank you for being here!

    anita

    September 15, 2024 at 8:59 am #438124
    Krish
    Participant

    Dear Anita
    my exs family do not believe that their son is at fault and one couple of the extended family supported me and they said that my ex is not at fault and when I told my mother in law that I had a knife thrown at me she said “ I was not there when it happened , so I don’t know” . My ex agreed to his aunt that he did throw a knife at me . My mother in law wanted me to stay and suffer at the hands of her son just like how she suffered with her husband. Her husband verbally abuses her and there is history of domestic violence in their family. There is no respect, compassion, empathy, understanding and consideration of one’s feelings in their marriage and that is the example they set for their son. They expect me to put up with it and I got my health ruined because of that. Literally I should sue them but don’t want toxic people in my life

     

    Thank you for the feedback and I have blocked them altogether and don’t want to entertain them anymore in my life

    please keep me in your prayers

    Thanks for the lovely reply once again

    kind regards

    krish

    September 15, 2024 at 9:00 am #438125
    Krish
    Participant

    I mean my in-laws ( my exs mother and father ) said that he is not at fault and his uncle and aunt( my mothers in-laws sister ) said that my ex is at fault

    September 15, 2024 at 9:11 am #438126
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Krish:

    I am keeping you in my prayers! I will reply further by tomorrow. Please take a very good care of yourself!

    anita

    September 16, 2024 at 7:38 am #438140
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Krish:

    “there is history of domestic violence in their family. There is no respect, compassion, empathy, understanding and consideration of one’s feelings in their marriage and that is the example they set for their son… my in-laws (my ex’s mother and father) said that he is not at fault, and his uncle and aunt (my mothers in-law’s sister ) said that my ex is at fault“- I understand the difference. I don’t know more details (such as did his aunt & uncle offer you any practical help following saying the words that your ex was at fault), but it is your right (one you don’t have to go to court for) to have no contact with all of them.

    “I have blocked them altogether and don’t want to entertain them anymore in my life. Please keep me in your prayers“- may your ex and his family learn respect and compassion for each other and for other people. May they respect your understandable choice to have no contact with any and all of them. May you heal from the trauma of domestic violence and abuse, and spread your compassion, empathy and understanding to all with whom you choose to have contact.

    anita

     

    September 29, 2024 at 5:46 am #438432
    Krish
    Participant

    Dear Anita

    Thank you for the response and sorry I didn’t check this message but as you said in the previous post I have told them( my ex in-laws)to not contact me anymore. I am consulting the psychologist here for PTSD and she said that I have severe unresolved anger from the abuse I endured. The ex extended in-laws did visit my mother and me after I got my divorce and wanted to be friends . They sided with me in this issue and also they said that they supported me in this issue as opposed to their nephew. I do like them but they can’t do practical help because we are from different cities. I do like them but will keep them in my prayers and wish well for them. I don’t want to interact with them as I didn’t get any closure for the abuse I endured and I feel it is better to move on rather than getting entangled in the past and participating in others karma.

    I am grateful to have found this forum where we get answers and suggestions without potential judgements. I am grateful for the time, effort and energy you put in this thread and it was very nice interacting with you. You are a lovely soul and may God bless you 😊😊

     

    Love, light and prayers

    krish

    September 29, 2024 at 7:39 am #438433
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Krish:

    You are welcome, and thank you for your appreciation and kindness: you are a lovely soul yourself, and may God bless you!

    (I am adding the boldface feature to the quotes): “The ex extended in-laws did visit my mother and me after I got my divorce and wanted to be friends . They sided with me in this issue and also they said that they supported me in this issue as opposed to their nephew”-

    – they visited you and sided with you after the divorce was settled for their nephew’s (the perpetrator’s) full advantage. They didn’t visit you, side with you and offer their support during the abusive marriage or during the 5-year separation before the divorce, when their support could have helped the divorce conclude to your (the victim’s) favor. Their visit and offer to be friends is too convenient on their part, isn’t it..

    “I do like them but will keep them in my prayers and wish well for them. I don’t want to interact with them as I didn’t get any closure for the abuse I endured and I feel it is better to move on rather than getting entangled in the past and participating in others karma“- I fully agree with you. Your responsibility is to avail yourself to as much healing as is possible for yourself. You have no responsibility whatsoever to interact with them, or to be their friend. It is kind of you to wish them well and pray for them.

    “I am consulting the psychologist here for PTSD and she said that I have severe unresolved anger from the abuse I endured“- severe anger from severe abuse. Literature says that anger is highly associated with PTSD. I hope that the psychologist will help you with the anxiety, hurt and anger associated with the abuse you suffered.

    Love, light and prayers back to you!

    anita

    October 2, 2024 at 9:19 am #438506
    Krish
    Participant

    Dear Anita

    Thank you so much for the support and help. I will make sure that I will let go of  people who create dramas for petty issues and who exhibit disrespectful behaviour and have no regard for others feelings

    I am at peace and secure within myself and don’t have the energy for dramas.

    Thanks for the support once again  and am looking forward to read more posts of yours

    love light and prayers

    Gayathree

    October 2, 2024 at 9:28 am #438507
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Krish/ Gayathree

    You are very welcome and thank you for your love, light and prayers. Good to read that you are at peace and secure within yourself!!! I will reply further Thurs morning (it’s Wed morning here).

    anita

    October 2, 2024 at 10:21 am #438509
    Krish
    Participant

    Thanks anita

    My real name is Krishnavi and close people and family use Gayathreesha as pet name. Please address me as Krish

    Have a lovely day today

  • Author
    Posts
Viewing 15 posts - 1 through 15 (of 21 total)
1 2

You must be logged in to reply to this topic. Please log in OR register.