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Toxic In Laws – How to Stop Trying?

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Viewing 11 posts - 1 through 11 (of 11 total)
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  • March 12, 2025 at 1:39 pm #444091
    Elizabeth
    Participant

    Hi everyone! Need a little help with something, that in the past I would’ve asked my father, but he passed a few years ago and so I cannot access his wisdom.

    Background: 60(F) married to 60(M) with adult kid (23) who lives with us. We are both the “scapegoats” or “black sheep” of our families. I have AuDHD and lots of autoimmune issues, struggle with my C-PTSD/depression/anxiety. He has undiagnosed ADHD and remains solid in his 12 step program for addiction issues. I’ve done decades of psychotherapy, he’s done about 10 months total.Since the pandemic I’ve been struggling with depression in particular, and my health issues have eliminated my ability to do things I used to enjoy and that helped (hiking, biking, dancing).

    We’ve been together since 1992, married since 1996. From the very beginning of our relationship, his family has always treated me poorly. My husband has always maintained a high level of denial regarding how they treat not only me, but also him. They’ve always viewed me as “the crazy chick who lives with him.” I’ve always remained polite but kept them at arm’s length (they don’t even know all the diagnoses I listed above, nor do they know the extent of my husband’s previous addiction issues). I’ve participated in family functions, always to my detriment. I have to radically dissociate just to get through them. Luckily, they all live on the other side of the continent (because we moved to the opposite coast), so I don’t have to interact with them often anyway. I have gone to every prior family gathering that I was asked to, doing my best to remain cordial and not through a glass of wine at anyone. They’re very passive-aggressive, but not narcissists. *They would love nothing better than to see my marriage fail* (even after all this time)

    At this point all in the parental generation have passed away. My SIL has 2 kids, in their 30s at this point. One of them (M) is getting married in a city on this opposite coast. All 3 of us were invited as a matter of course. Neither myself nor my kid interacts with any of the in-laws except for the occasional “Happy Birthday” text to my kid. When my parents passed, I got NO cards or texts from anyone expressing condolences, just a verbal through my husband. These kids also don’t refer to me as “Aunt _____”, they just call me by my first name even though I corrected them in childhood. I doubt I’d be missed.

    I DON’T WANT TO GO.

    First of all, was asked by SIL for dietary restrictions, and when I told her mine she basically said tough luck – the service at this wedding is “family style” and it happens to be a cuisine that contains a lot of allergens for me (wheat, fish, cheese, etc.) I was also told that the reception will be small, but was then told it’s 150 people, and that it will be very crowded, with 10 people per table, tables close together. And there will be loud music from a wedding band.

    I’ve already declined to attend the rehearsal dinner the night before (in a restaurant with no food for me to eat also), which made my husband angry, but I refused to give in. We’ve already sent our wedding gift and confirmed they received it.

    I still wear a mask in public to protect my health and I don’t eat inside crowded restaurants anymore either. My husband says I shouldn’t wear a mask at the reception because it’s insulting to the happy couple (the bride has lupus, btw). He also gets very defensive about his family and I need help:

    HOW TO TELL HIM I DON’T WANT TO GO AND HOW TO ACTUALLY NOT GO??
    (yes, I know, no one can drag me onto the plane, but I don’t want to spend the last couple of decades of my life hearing about this)

    *Remember, undermining my marriage is a plus to these morons* also *I will not be missed* and most important *I do not care one bit what they think about me*\

    Thanks, kind internet strangers.

    March 12, 2025 at 1:53 pm #444094
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Elizabeth:

    First off, I want to say that you’ve been really strong in handling so much— your health, emotions, and challenging family dynamics. You’ve done a lot for others, and it’s okay to put yourself first now.

    It’s completely valid to not want to attend the wedding, especially since it could harm your well-being. You don’t owe anyone more than what you’ve already given.

    Here’s a way you could approach the conversation with your husband:

    Start by showing you care about his feelings: “I know this wedding is important to you, and I support you going.”

    Share your reasons calmly: “For me, attending would be too much with my health and how I’ve been feeling lately. The loud, crowded space and food situation make it hard for me.”

    Reassure him you’re not trying to create conflict: “I want to help you get ready to go, but I need to stay back to take care of myself.”

    Stand firm with kindness: “I hope we can respect each other’s choices on this and not let it cause any tension between us.”

    Let him know you’ll send your love and support from home, and maybe add a personal note or gesture for the couple.

    Spend the time he’s away doing something relaxing or fun for yourself.

    Remember, you’ve done more than enough over the years to keep the peace. It’s okay to protect your own health and peace of mind now. Sending you strength and support!

    anita

    March 12, 2025 at 2:06 pm #444095
    Elizabeth
    Participant

    Thank you, anita, for your reply. These are good ideas. I just am concerned this will create a rift in my marriage, regardless of how kindly I state my needs. My husband is the “clueless” type, and is not good at supporting my needs. At best he gets dismissive.

    March 12, 2025 at 2:23 pm #444096
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Elizabeth:

    You’re very welcome. I can see how hard this situation is for you, especially with your husband not fully supporting your needs. It’s tough to express yourself when you feel dismissed, but you absolutely deserve to set boundaries for your health and well-being.

    If trying to get him to fully understand feels too frustrating, you might focus on calmly stating your decision in a way that’s clear and firm, while avoiding blame or conflict. Here’s an approach you could try:

    State your decision clearly: Instead of asking for his agreement, let him know what you’ve decided in a calm, matter-of-fact way. For example: “I’ve thought about the wedding a lot, and I’ve decided I can’t go. It’s just too much for my health right now.”

    Acknowledge his feelings: Reassure him that you understand it’s important to him and that you’re not trying to create problems. For example: “I know this wedding is important to you, and I completely support you going. I hope you can understand that I need to take care of myself too.”

    Deflect pressure kindly but firmly: If he tries to push back or argue, calmly repeat your decision without engaging in debate. For example: “I hear what you’re saying, but this is the best choice for me. I’ll do everything I can to make it easier for you to go and enjoy the wedding.”

    Focus on solutions: Show that you’re willing to help with logistics or support him, even if you’re not attending. For example: “I’ll help you pack and get ready for the trip, and I’ll send my best wishes to the happy couple. Let me know how else I can make this easier for you.”

    By sticking to this calm, respectful approach, you’re not trying to convince him or seek his full understanding—you’re simply stating your boundary and offering support for him to attend without you.

    You’re doing the right thing by standing up for yourself. Take care of your health and peace of mind—you deserve it!

    (I will be away from the computer for a few hours).

    anita

    March 13, 2025 at 9:27 am #444109
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Elizabeth:

    I revisited your original post this morning, and once again, I’m struck by how thoughtfully and rationally you recount events and emotions. You demonstrate such a deep understanding of your feelings, needs, and limitations— clear hallmarks of self-awareness. Despite the frustrations you’ve faced, you don’t let them cloud your perspective. Instead, you thoughtfully acknowledge others’ viewpoints, even when they hurt or challenge you, like your husband’s denial about his family or his defensiveness. This level of balance and emotional strength truly stands out.

    I imagine that the decades of psychotherapy you mentioned have played a role in cultivating these strengths, and it’s clear how deeply you care about preserving both your well-being and your relationships.

    That said, I can hear how difficult and exhausting it must feel if your husband remains dismissive or critical (“I don’t want to spend the last couple of decades of my life hearing about this”) even when you’ve expressed your feelings with kindness and honesty. You’ve already done so much to balance your own needs while maintaining your marriage, and I hope you give yourself credit for all the effort you’ve put into this.

    You mentioned being worried about a rift in your marriage, and I wonder— what does that look like for you? Is it the fear of ongoing tension, repeated criticism, or something more lasting? Exploring this might help bring clarity to what you need most right now—whether that’s reassurance, support, or even space to focus on your peace of mind.

    At the end of the day, you deserve understanding and compassion—not ongoing criticism. Prioritizing your emotional safety is not selfish, even if it means standing firm in the face of negativity. You’ve already shown remarkable strength in navigating these challenges, and I believe in your ability to continue advocating for yourself.

    anita

    March 13, 2025 at 12:27 pm #444121
    Alessa
    Participant

    Hi Elizabeth

    It is not an easy situation for either of you to be in for sure.

    Did your husband say why he was upset about you not attending the rehearsal dinner?

    They aren’t willing for you to protect your health by wearing a mask or provide food that meets your dietary requirements.

    Since his family are like this, surely they don’t actually care if you don’t go?

    It sounds like you’ve done a lot over the years to keep the peace.

    I can understand not wanting to cause a rift in the marriage. It is hard when things are difficult with the in-laws.

    March 13, 2025 at 1:47 pm #444130
    Elizabeth
    Participant

    @Alessa

    I can confirm that they will not care if I’m not there, but they will ridicule me by saying very denigrating things to my husband. Examples:
    She’s crazy.
    How can you stay with someone who hates us so much?
    We told you so — she doesn’t care about you at all, if she did she’d be here.
    She’s so selfish.

    I’ve gone along to get along for over 30 years. I never discouraged contact between them and my kid, even though when my kid was a toddler, my in-laws did the following:
    My kid is adopted.
    One day when we were all visiting with FIL and MIL they were going on and on about SIL’s kids, how great they are, how much joy they bring, they don’t get to see them enough because they live far away, etc.
    I said, “You have a grandchild right here in front of you.”
    The reply was “Well, you know what we mean, our REAL grandkids.”
    And no, my kid was not included in their wills at all, but the “real” grandkids were.

    To date, ANY interaction I have had to endure with the in-laws causes stress in the marriage itself. They triangulate a lot. It’s not just me – I’ve observed over the years that ANY female who marries in is disrespected and excluded. There are entire branches of the family that have gone no contact with this branch as a result. Another example:
    Was at my BIL’s wedding, and my SIL and MIL made some comments about an uncle – “Oh look there’s Uncle X, and he brought that crazy wife of his Y. She’s a horrible person.” So I went and said hi to them, introduced myself since I hadn’t met them before, and chatted with AUNT Y – lovely person. Never saw either of them again at any family function.


    @anita
    Thanks again for your encouragement.
    I plan to talk to my husband tonight, and I’m going to focus on “I” statements and my needs and NOT bring his family into it at all. I will reiterate that I love him and I will also add things to the effect of: this will make the trip easier for YOU, you won’t have to worry about me or how I’m feeling, you can just enjoy your visit. I will also demand that HE not triangulate – I will notify the bride & groom with my regrets myself and that if his sister or anyone asks why I’m not coming (for sure they will) – that he should tell them to speak to me directly (for sure they won’t).

    I’ve also checked in with my kid to ask – Are you ok with me not going? And they said yes. Had they said they need me for support I would’ve chosen to go anyway. It’s a relief that they are ok with this.

    My only trepidation is because I know that while I won’t be missed, they’re going to torture my husband over this. This is where I fear a rift will happen – he will resent me because of the crap that’s going to rain down on him because he’s incapable of showing me full support.

    March 13, 2025 at 1:57 pm #444131
    Elizabeth
    Participant

    @Alessa

    Re: rehearsal dinner — he was just dismissive, he had no rationale for his anger. He said “But this is a once in a lifetime thing” — No, it’s not. EVERY wedding in his family we’ve gone to they do this, and there are more weddings to come in future. I was even strong-armed into a weekend visit in the city of my SIL – had to spend a whole weekend with her yammering and trying to probe me so she would have more “ammunition” in future. Well, I refused to play. Kept everything vague and general and when needed said “Oh you should ask your brother about that.”

    BTW, early in our relationship, maybe 6 months in, there was a family wedding at the time. He was invited, I was not. When he asked his family why not they told him that I’m “just a girlfriend” and so therefore probably won’t be around long anyway, so we’re not spending monty for her to attend. We had already been living together for 4 months.

    I’m not exaggerating when I say this is how they treated me from jump.

    March 13, 2025 at 1:57 pm #444132
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Elizabeth:

    It sounds like you’ve put a lot of thought into tonight’s conversation, and your plan to use “I” statements and focus on your needs is a great approach. Reassuring your husband of your love and framing your choice as something that makes the trip easier for him is both kind and thoughtful.

    I know you’re worried about how his family will react and how he might handle it, but the Serenity Prayer can be a helpful guide here: “Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference.”

    You’re doing everything you can to express yourself clearly and set healthy boundaries. The rest—like his family’s reaction—is out of your control. Trust in your strength and wisdom, and know you’re handling this with grace.

    Good luck tonight, and please let me know how it goes. I’m here for you.

    anita

    March 13, 2025 at 9:30 pm #444138
    Elizabeth
    Participant

    This reply has been reported for inappropriate content.

    Done. It went slightly better than I had feared. He got a bit huffy, but he did listen.

    Husband got home from a short flight, in good spirits. Made sure he ate a snack first, then I dived in.

    I used:
    “I love you”
    “I am not going to this wedding”
    “I am struggling with the amount of psychological distress it’s causing me to go to it”
    “I want you and Hannah to go and have a great time”
    “I don’t want you to have to worry about me because I’ll be miserable and can’t eat”
    “I am an adult and I can decide what I do and don’t do”
    “I will contact the necessary parties myself”

    Added:
    “This is not about them, it’s about me. I like [the bride & groom] and I wish them all the best.”

    He was not happy, but not as angry as I feared. I did then say:
    Look, if you tell me that you need me to go because you need me to support you in some way, I’m listening. (He said no)

    He asked:
    How long have you been thinking of not going? — over 6 months
    Then why did you buy an outfit? — because I thought I could handle it but I was wrong.
    Did you tell [our kid]? — yes, and she’s OK with it.
    You’re going to have to give them an excuse — No I don’t, it’s none of their business, tell them to speak to me directly.
    What am I supposed to say when they ask why? Say: I’m not comfortable discussing her reasons with you, feel free to call her yourself.
    What are you going to say because for sure they’re gonna call you — I will tell them nicely it’s none of their business, but trust me, they won’t call me.

    I texted them using proper etiquette because I have no other way to notify them in a timely manner several hours ago. I decided to throw in something to give my husband 1 layer of protection: “I’m unable to attend because I’m dealing with some health issues* I’m not comfortable discussing at this time.” No replies, but of course the triangulation continues. My SIL called my husband to say that she’s “disappointed” and will call me next week (yeah, right, lol).

    *Because MENTAL HEALTH IS HEALTH! And these people drive me nuts!

    Thanks for the support!

    March 13, 2025 at 9:38 pm #444140
    Elizabeth
    Participant

    Done. It went slightly better than I had feared. He got a bit huffy, but he did listen.

    Husband got home from a short flight, in good spirits. Made sure he ate a snack first, then I dived in.

    I used:
    “I love you”
    “I am not going to this wedding”
    “I am struggling with the amount of psychological distress it’s causing me to go to it”
    “I want you and [our kid] to go and have a great time”
    “I don’t want you to have to worry about me because I’ll be miserable and can’t eat”
    “I am an adult and I can decide what I do and don’t do”
    “I will contact the necessary parties myself”

    Added:
    “This is not about them, it’s about me. I like [the bride & groom] and I wish them all the best.”

    He was not happy, but not as angry as I feared. I did then say:
    Look, if you tell me that you need me to go because you need me to support you in some way, I’m listening. (He said no)

    He asked:
    How long have you been thinking of not going? — over 6 months
    Then why did you buy an outfit? — because I thought I could handle it but I was wrong.
    Did you tell [our kid]? — yes, and she’s OK with it.
    You’re going to have to give them an excuse — No I don’t, it’s none of their business, tell them to speak to me directly.
    What am I supposed to say when they ask why? Say: I’m not comfortable discussing her reasons with you, feel free to call her yourself.
    What are you going to say because for sure they’re gonna call you — I will tell them nicely it’s none of their business, but trust me, they won’t call me.

    I texted them using proper etiquette because I have no other way to notify them in a timely manner several hours ago. I decided to throw in something to give my husband 1 layer of protection: “I’m unable to attend because I’m dealing with some health issues* I’m not comfortable discussing at this time.” No replies, but of course the triangulation continues. My SIL called my husband to say that she’s “disappointed” and will call me next week (yeah, right, lol).

    *Because MENTAL HEALTH IS HEALTH! And these people drive me nuts!

    Thanks for the support!

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