Thank you. If I could go back in time I would’ve been more proactive in not ignoring red flags thinking I had to avoid conflict to try and befriend this person from day 1. I would’ve also pestered housing about getting a room change since the RA was indifferent and not invested. I try to look at silver linings but it feels unfair having to learn some lessons through fear, discomfort, and people just being callous. At least now there is more awareness of gaslighting and ways people can be manipulative. With this person if I would tell her I felt like she took things out on me when she was going through a hard time she’d accuse me of that (projection). During orientation I asked her if she wanted to get breakfast and she said no but months later she claimed she was the one who had asked me to get breakfast and I rejected her. She’d also tell me I was too sensitive and if I wanted to live with a friend to “move out”. She’d stay up all night and when I had to leave to go to classes she yelled at me for turning on the light even though it was 11:00 am. Luckily as I get older I’m better at not letting unpleasant people or people who aren’t my cup of tea get under my skin to the point where I lash out and end up looking like the bad guy. Most of these people end up being temporary since we never had much in common to begin with only one shared circumstance by coincidence. This person wasn’t even from the same country so even if we had clicked we would’ve eventually had to go our separate ways if since she is from halfway around the world. I know a lot of people have had roommates they couldn’t stand but it hurts when I hear people talking about friendships they made in dorms and with random roommates. I know people from my same school whose roommates played on the same sports teams as them, were from the same area, or played in the same orchestra so that must be really nice having common ground for a genuine friendship. This person and I unfortunately ended up having a class together my sophomore year first semester so that was really awkward. If it had been a year prior maybe that would’ve given us something to bond over. I currently live alone which is the best for my studies and mental health but it gets really isolating on days where I don’t talk in person to anyone. I’m grateful to have found a few close friends over the years even if they weren’t in my undergrad but it’s rough living in a place where I only have acquaintances and don’t fit into any of the cliques that have formed around me.

It is hard to empathize with someone who behaved like Veruca Salt and was entitled. She’d always complain about the U.S. and Americans as if she was forced to be here. I wouldn’t be surprised if her parents forced her to come because they wanted her to have this experience. It was especially frustrating how during move-in my mom insisted on making her a bed with sheets because she felt bad that she was coming alone in the middle of the night with jet lag and this person wasn’t appreciative at all. She also had an arranged fiancé who was very possessive and would listen to hear sleeping because he always needed to know where she was. I ended up having to block him because he wouldn’t stop pestering me by constantly messaging me needing to know where she was and even commenting on random FB posts of mine which I thought was creepy since I never met this person or could pick him out of a lineup. She said this was “insulting” because of “all the nice things she told him about me” but obviously actions speak louder than words. I 100% believe there was a big culture clash. When I tried to confront her about violating our roommate contract several times by waking me up at night she played this card claiming “this is your country this is your culture” implying she refused to adapt to U.S. customs and time differences. Since she is so religious and conservative and demanded I never bring men into the room so I respected her wishes but she never extended me the same courtesy of using an inside voice or headphones. During our last semester of living together the dorm finally implemented quiet hours of 11 am to 7 pm weeknights. In hindsight, I could’ve have suggested we compromise by having no noise after midnight to 7 am on weekends. I knew of other international students who did their best to adapt to U.S. customs and would find time to talk to their families at reasonable hours instead of waking roommates up in the middle of the night so with her a lot of her entitlement might be part of her personality. She told me she was an only child which makes sense why she’d act very spoiled due to never having to share with anyone. My mom would try to pamper her by buying her Nutella and cupcakes and she still wouldn’t be nicer. She’d also use my mini fridge my parents brought me without asking since she only ate food from her culture so if I invited her to my parents’ house for dinner it would’ve been a disaster with her not wanting to eat anything that isn’t to her liking. I’ve also lived in a lot of countries and went to an international boarding school where I made many European and Latin American friends (I’m originally from Venezuela but grew up in NY) while she was from Pakistan so completely different backgrounds. Most of these people were already from Westernized cultures so I guess the culture shock wasn’t as drastic which made it easier for us to click. However she once told me I couldn’t possibly be Venezuelan because I was “too white” so I was just a White American which was a pretty ignorant thing to say so she did seem like she wasn’t super well-read or well-traveled and believed a lot of negative stereotypes about Americans (especially women) from what her fiancé said like that we’re promiscuous, materialistic, and have no values. I read an article in the NYTimes about the end of random roommate searches and in the comments there were a lot of people raving about their random roommates and how even if they seemed like oil and water they ended up becoming unlikely friends while other people mentioned how this experience traumatized them and made an already difficult period worse instead of being a “growth experience” or taking them out of their comfort zone. With the cost of college the least these places could do was give people a quiet, safe space to decompress? I’ve always been a private person and prefer to keep to myself. Apparently in Canadian universities many student have singles. I do understand why many international students keep to themselves since when I lived and studied abroad American students would stick together and not mingle much with locals. Currently in grad school I’ve felt so overwhelmed by classes and work but I did try Bumble BFF, Meetup, and volunteering. With the latter two most of the attendees have been quite a bit older so it was hard to find common ground. I have lots of acquaintances but no actual friends where I currently live and am likely leaving after I graduate due to lack of job prospects and this place just isn’t the right place for me and likely never will be. Unfortunately, I’ve discovered cliques exist well beyond high school like in college and currently in grad school although there’s been quite a bit of drama with some of the groups in my cohort that sounds very juvenile so it’s best I don’t get involved. I am fine going to events on my own like concerts, museums, film festivals to make my own fun instead of waiting for others to include me.

Yesterday I actually confronted a former friend who had me disinvited me from her birthday party in 6th grade. Her mother would call my parents saying nasty things about me for some stupid childish thing I said at 11 years old as the reason for me being disinvited. Later her mother told this girl I couldn’t even sit at the same table as them at lunch. This person and some other peers would gang up on ostracizing me. The bullying and anxiety was so bad I left public school after 7th grade. Since I moved to a different area near where this person has lived for a while she asked me to hang out since we live nearby a while ago. This was awkward for me and when I asked my mom for advice she said to not give her a second chance which I found a bit strange since she usually believes in killing people with kindness and giving everyone more chances than they deserve. I told this person that what she and her mother did to me was extremely traumatic and for years I’ve struggled to fully trust trust others and develop closer friendships due to fear of being betrayed once people see my flaws if I let them into my home and family. This person gave a half-assed apology and said “I’m sorry this happened to you” but I’m still proud of myself for speaking my truth regardless of how the other person might’ve reacted. Obviously it’s easier to do this virtually since I don’t have to worry about how reactive the other might become or if they’ll throw a nasty fit like other abusive people have done if I tried to tell them their behavior was hurtful.