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Feeling left out..again

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  • June 30, 2025 at 5:31 pm #447218
    CinCin
    Participant

    Several years ago, my wife, her daughter, and our friend would often go out for drinks and never included me. It always hurt my feelings and the excuse I heard was “well, you go to bed at 930”. Could have asked me anyway? I felt excluded, these were my people! I am also a woman, so it wasn’t about girls night out.

    Fast forward many years, now we live in a different state from friend and her daughter. Friend reaches out to wife, she broke up w her boyfriend and wants to get together someplace for some emotional support. This friend was one of our best friends. And the three of them got into a chat about going to a beach house in a couple of weeks. I guess there was a lot of texting and discussion about where to go. Initially, I didn’t want to go as I have other commitments. Then I found out stepdaughter was invited, I don’t get to see her very often and her energy would change the dynamic into more fun. I am triggered and back to feeling hurt and excluded as on years gone by..
    The discussion and planning was all over text. Why wasn’t I included in the texts if I was truly invited? I feel like I have to ask 20 questions to get the details from my wife. Found out this AM that wife booked tix and her daughter was looking for tix. I explained I was triggered, didn’t have all the facts, etc. She is apologetic, I could still go, but feel alot like an afterthought. Not sure how to deal w resentment and past hurt. Am I off base here?

    June 30, 2025 at 6:25 pm #447225
    anita
    Participant

    Dear CinCin:

    Thank you for sharing something so personal. It’s incredibly brave to speak up about this kind of hurt, especially when it echoes past wounds.

    You’re not off base at all. The feelings you’re experiencing make complete sense, especially given the pattern—being excluded before, and now sensing something similar unfold again. It’s not just about this one trip; it’s about wanting to be included from the start, not added as an afterthought.

    Your wife’s apology matters—it shows that she cares and is open to hearing how this impacted you. And I hope the door is still open for you to express why it hurt, not just that it did. Because being invited is one thing… but feeling included—from the beginning—is something else entirely.

    As for why this keeps happening, it may be unintentional. People fall into old habits, make assumptions, or avoid discomfort without realizing the impact. But that doesn’t make the hurt any less real—or any less worthy of being acknowledged.

    I’m so glad you spoke up. You deserve to feel like you belong. Not just as a +1, but as someone whose presence is genuinely wanted.

    With warmth, Anita

    June 30, 2025 at 11:59 pm #447229
    Alessa
    Participant

    Hi CinCin

    I’m sorry to hear about the difficulties with feeling left out. It seems complicated. It seems like you have a desire to be invited, but not necessarily to go to these events. Am I misunderstanding this?

    If you truly wanted to go to these nights out. You could have just said “I’d like to come along. Is that okay?” Are there reasons why you didn’t do that?

    You have some concerns about the dynamics of this trip. Does that mean that your concerns aren’t solely due to practical limitations of attending?

    Wanting to be invited is fair, but people often stop asking if someone says no though or doesn’t show interest. It might be helpful to make an arrangement with them where if you feel like going it is okay for you to go along without them asking. Just having that clarity of an unconditional invitation at all times when your wife is invited might make you feel better? This is usually implied in my experience.

    Be aware that if you are asking for this it might be considered rude, if you don’t go on the trip as you would be asking to be included, be included and be rejecting them.

    It is worth considering if you actually want to go on the trip or not.

    Otherwise, why don’t you ask your wife if she wants you to come on the trip? You could express your concerns to her that when you don’t get an invitation, it makes you worry that people don’t want you there. You could express that you don’t always want to go, but sometimes you do and it is nice to be invited and included in chats, so you can make a decision. It’s certainly okay to have a conversation with your wife about this.

    Or is it the friend that you are more worried about, as opposed to your wife? Do you worry that your friend doesn’t want you there?

    July 1, 2025 at 3:59 am #447231
    CinCin
    Participant

    Hi, Alessa, I appreciate your thought provoking questions.

    I would love to have been invited and to have gone out w them in the past. Often, I would receive a text while that’s what was happening…or wife would have dinner w daughter and it turned into a night out as our friend joined them unexpectedly..or something else.. It was quite a while ago and I was surprised how all of these old feelings rushed forward when that old scenario resurfaced.

    In this case, I had several events and said no, I couldn’t go. Then I later found out my stepdaughter was going. So, 1. I didn’t have all of the info when I said no because I had to play 20 questions to get info from wife 2. If I had known daughter was going, I could have considered rescheduling or missing my commitments 3. If I had been included in planning, I could have requested shifting the dates by a couple of days so I perhaps wouldn’t need to.

    Yes, one can invite themsleves, but isn’t it better to feel included from the get go? Wife says I am invited, but when left out of all planning discussions, I feel like she really doesn’t want me there. Believe me, I have shared all of these things w her. I’m just having a hard time letting go. When I asked why she didn’t loop me into the text, all she could say is “I don’t know”. This would have been the first time in almost 10 years that we could all be together so it hurts pretty deeply.

    July 1, 2025 at 4:00 am #447232
    CinCin
    Participant

    Thank you, Anita. Your kind words are gratefully appreciated.

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