The title I chose is taken from a post I just submitted in James123’s thread, “Real God and Ultimate Truth”.

It’s been a long while since I shared about my decades-long, deeply traumatizing experience with my mother.

I’ve spent very little time thinking about her for a long, long time.

She seems distant now. No longer central in my mind and heart.

It’s strange, almost eerie: how a majorly central figure in my life sidesteps centrality (if there is such a word.. centrality)

What’s becoming central is.. ME!

And this me-self is not something I want to dissolve into Nothingness. Not yet, anyway, lol.

And what is that me-self?

It’s one that Matters. It’s one that’s Real. It’s one that does not self-erases so to-get-along.

With my mother, I was so erased, there was hardly anything left of a-me. To avoid her attacks, I submitted, almost completely. She wanted to put clothes on me- even though I was a teenager- I let her: I raised my arms so that she’d put a shirt over me. She wanted to shower me-.. even though I was a teenager- I let her.

Every cell of my body resisted the showering.. but I let her.

So.. to dissolve that almost non-existing self would be total annihilation, at this point. I am still to experience and celebrate little victories, such as saying No, or Later, or.. Maybe not.

Restoring dignity- this is big. It’s major.

Anita