I have trouble connecting with my intuition in relationships, and the current one I’m in is no different. I feel constantly plagued with self doubt. I over-analyze every relationship and worry about whether my doubts are related to attachment issues or actual compatibility.

The last guy I dated (“John”) and posted about here actually, I convinced myself he was avoidant or not that into me and so I stopped putting energy into the relationship. Shortly after, I started more seriously seeing my most recent boyfriend, “Cam”. We were long distance and casual at first. Over time, we met up more often and I could feel that he wanted to get more serious. I never felt the “fireworks” that I have with other relationships but I convinced myself that was a good thing – I told myself that probably means he’s not triggering my attachment issues. He started to push for becoming exclusive and alluded to moving to my city. I visited him for a week and by the end, I felt smothered and repelled by him. I would instinctively jump away at his touch. Instead of making a decision then and there, I told myself it was my fear getting in the way.

I didn’t see him for a few months and he didn’t move, and I started to feel resentful. I didn’t want to continue something long distance with no end date (or that’s what I told myself, but maybe this was just another defense mechanism). I started to see other people, and during this time “John” made it back into my life. I think “Cam” could feel my distance and decided to kick off a plan to move to my city. “John”, as it turns out, had wanted to be with me all along but was afraid of getting hurt and felt rejected by my coldness when I pulled away last time (after I had assumed he wasn’t interested). We talked things through and I thought things were going super well. I told John it was a bad idea to move here – I didn’t explicitly mention I was seeing someone else (which I know I should have) but he said he wanted to move anyways and there was no pressure. So I told myself it would be OK to explore both and see what happens.

Long story short, after waffling between the two for a while I ended things for good with Cam. John and I became exclusive, but it felt forced on my side and I have never felt a strong pull to him like I have in early days of other relationships. I feel constantly smothered; when I talk to him about this he is responsive and listens but does not understand. He wants more physical touch and thinks that I am just not a touchy person, but I am when I feel comfortable. With him I don’t feel comfortable, I constantly feel on edge and extremely guilty that I can’t give him more. I obsess over why I can’t appreciate him more, have more patience with him, and treat him like the gem he is. He has all the qualities I know I want (kindness, patience, emotional maturity). But when I’m with him I feel like the worst version of myself.

I hate myself some days because I feel like my inability to trust my gut and make confident decisions is causing me to hurt people – stringing them along without feeling committed, seeing multiple people at once which (in my head) I actually don’t want to do, and being the type of person that I constantly fear coming across in the dating world.

Does anyone have advice on how to start connecting with your true self and intuition? Has anyone had a similar situation, and were you able to break the pattern of pushing your partner away?