Dear Ana:

You are in a difficult situation, Ana 😟

I’ve been active in these forums every day for over 10 years and came across many stories from women, mostly Indian, who married Indian men and lived in joint family households (living with his parents and sometimes extended family). A few stories were from women who were Westerners.

The number one theme in the stories of Western women (here and in blogs elsewhere) is indeed the loss of privacy: the constant presence of family members, little time alone with the husband, family members entering rooms without knocking and feeling “watched” or evaluated. Many women say they underestimated how intense this would feel.

Western women often describe needing permission for outings, being expected to inform the family of their whereabouts, feeling infantilized and being expected to “check in” constantly, all which feels like a loss of autonomy.

Even in modern families, women often report being expected to cook daily, serving elders first, eating after others, managing household chores, and being judged for not doing things “the Indian way”
.
And there’re the infamous mother‑in‑law dynamics: women often describe MILs who micromanage them, who expect obedience, criticize for cooking, clothing, or habits; MILs who are being emotionally manipulative, competing for the son’s attention, and.. feeling like they (the wives) are never “good enough”. This is not universal — but extremely common.

Many women say that in the context of a joint family household, the husband becomes less emotionally available, that he prioritizes parents’ needs (I remember this particular complaint in stories here), that he avoids conflict with his family, and therefore sides with his mother against his wife and expects the wife to “adjust” (again, I clearly remember this complaint here in the forums. I wish I could locate those threads). All this can create loneliness/ emotional isolation for the wife.

Also, there’s a communication style differences in regard to Western directness vs. Indian indirectness leading to misunderstandings, hurt feelings, and feeling like issues are never addressed openly.

Many women describe feeling excluded from conversations, being talked about in another language (I remember this complaint vividly), and feeling like they don’t belong

But it’s not all negative — many women also describe meaningful positives. Some women love always having people around, having a built‑in childcare and a sense of teamwork, emotional closeness, and feeling part of a large, warm family

Some women form close bonds with sisters‑in‑law, loving relationships with parents‑in‑law and a sense of belonging. This depends heavily on the family’s openness. Some households are rigid; others are flexible.

* Across stories, the husband’s role is the biggest predictor of success. Women do well when the husband sets boundaries with his family, supports his wife emotionally, doesn’t expect her to “adjust” to everything, communicates openly and prioritizes the marriage

* Women struggle when the husband avoids conflict, sides with his parents, expects her to fit in without support and dismisses her feelings.

Some women thrive in a communal environment. Others feel suffocated.

In your place, I would ask very specific, practical, and emotional‑reality questions before making the leap, if I would: Will we have our own bedroom and bathroom? Are there spaces in the home that are considered “off limits”? Do family members enter rooms without knocking? Will we have time alone together in the evenings or weekends?… Who cooks? Who cleans? What chores will be expected of me? Is cooking daily expected? Will I be expected to serve elders or eat after others?.. and the make‑or‑break category of questions to the husband: If there’s a conflict between me and your family, how will you handle it? Will you support me if I need boundaries? Are you comfortable saying “no” to your parents? How will you make sure our marriage stays a priority?…

What is your mother’s personality like? Does she expect obedience or independence? How does she handle disagreements? Does she expect me to follow her way of doing things? How involved is she in your daily life? Does she expect to make decisions for us? Will I be expected to inform the family when I go out? Is it okay for me to have my own friends and social life? Are there expectations about clothing inside or outside the home? Are there expectations around modesty or dress? Is it okay if I need alone time? How do you and your family handle privacy?

How does your family handle conflict? Do they talk openly or indirectly? Are disagreements discussed or avoided? The answers to these 3 questions are extremely important and it’s a problem if the potential future husband does not answer these questions directly.

I remember a thread here where a woman experienced her Indian boyfriend as independent when the two of them lived in Europe but when the two of them married and lived in India in a joint household with his parents.. he switched to a boy, totally obedient to his parents (or to his mother, I don’t remember). He reverted to his role as a child.

I hope this is somewhat helpful..? I hope to read more from you, Ana.

🤍 Anita

It doesn’t matter what kind of relationship one has with relatives. It is important to have a space that one calls one’s own. It is tough enough to share the space with your spouse. Throw other relatives into the mix and it becomes a circus. That is only my personal opinion. I do not know your complete situation and would not give advice. I wish you well.

* What an amazing, thorough, fascinating analysis, Zinnia!

I don’t remember coming across the term Cultural Narcissism. What would be your definition of it?

And what’s the difference between a person who is a Narcissist and a person who is only culturally narcissistic?

I love you ending your post in French. French was my first language, but I didn’t speak it since early childhood.

Merci pour cette analyse incroyable.

🤍 Anita

Dear Ana and Zinnia:

Thank you for recommending Dr. Ramani’s YouTubes. She has spoken about “cultural” or “generational” narcissism, especially in the context of how certain cultures or generations normalize narcissistic traits.

One of the key sources is her YouTube video titled “WATCH OUT for the signs of a cultural/generational narcissist”. Ana, I think this video would be perfect for you to listen to.

Dr. Ramani (an American clinical psychologist of South Indian descent) explains that some cultures or generations can reinforce narcissistic patterns because certain values or norms within the culture reward narcissistic traits:

1. In certain cultural or generational systems, elders or authority figures expect unquestioned obedience, special treatment and immunity from criticism. This can resemble narcissistic entitlement.

Examples: a parent demands that adult children follow their decisions without question (“Because I said so”), an elder expects everyone to stand up, serve them first, or give up their plans for them, a father insists his opinion is always correct, and a relative becomes offended if you set a boundary, saying it’s “disrespectful.”

2. Dr. Ramani notes that some cultural environments place heavy emphasis on family honor, public image and “what people will think”. The family’s public image matters more than individual feelings. This mirrors narcissistic image‑management.

Examples: a child is told not to talk about problems because it will “make the family look bad.”, parents pressure their child to choose a career that sounds prestigious, not one the child actually wants, a family hides conflict or abuse to protect their reputation, a person is told to stay in a marriage because divorce would “shame the family.”

3. In some cultural or generational contexts feelings are dismissed, children are told to “adjust”, conflict is minimized and vulnerability is discouraged. Feelings are dismissed, minimized, or treated as weakness. This can feel like narcissistic emotional neglect.

Examples: a child cries and is told, “Stop being dramatic.”, someone expresses hurt and is told, “Don’t make a big deal out of nothing.”, a person tries to set a boundary and is told, “You’re too sensitive.”, a teenager expresses stress and is told, “You have no right to feel that way — you have everything.”

4. She often points out that in some families’ boundaries are weak, privacy is limited and autonomy is discouraged. Family members are overly involved in each other’s lives, with weak boundaries. These resemble narcissistic enmeshment, control and intrusion.

Examples: parents expect to know every detail of their adult child’s life, a mother decides who her son should date or marry, a family insists on being involved in private decisions (finances, home, parenting), a person is guilt‑tripped for wanting privacy or independence (“Why are you hiding things from us?”).

5. Dr. Ramani says cultural norms can enable narcissistic behavior without causing narcissistic personality disorder This distinction is important.

Dr. Ramani’s main point is that cultural or generational norms can create environments where narcissistic behaviors are tolerated, normalized, or even rewarded, but that does not mean the culture itself is narcissistic.

Examples of cultural pattens specifically in Indian families: * Hierarchy- elders expect unquestioned respect and parents make major life decisions for adult children * Image and reputation- “What will people say?” *Enmeshment- parents are involved in every detail of their adult child’s life and privacy is seen as secrecy, * Emotional suppression- “Don’t cry.”, “Adjust.”, “Don’t talk about family problems.”

Western cultures can also enable narcissistic‑like behavior, but in different ways: * Individualism- children are encouraged to be “special” or exceptional, and personal success is prioritized over community * Image and achievement- pressure to be high‑performing, attractive, or successful. * Emotional avoidance-
feelings dismissed with “You’re overreacting” or “Just get over it.”

Having the above in mind, I reread your original post, Ana (I am hoping that you are reading this and perhaps you’ll reply?): you see marriage as two adults creating their own home, their own space, and their own daily life together. For you, family means love and closeness, but also privacy, independence, and the freedom to make your own choices inside your own home.

Your boyfriend sees marriage differently: for him, marriage means becoming part of his existing family and living together with his parents and brother under one roof. He believes a family includes everyone—parents, siblings, wife, and future children—and that staying in the family home is normal, loving, and the right way to live. So, you imagine a couple‑centered life, while he imagines a family‑centered life where everyone shares the same household.

You and your boyfriend want two completely different kinds of marriage. This is not a small disagreement —it is a core life value difference. It is about autonomy, identity, daily freedom, emotional safety, and the meaning of marriage.

This is a deal‑breaker level issue, not a minor cultural misunderstanding.

As a career‑driven, independent, and Western in your sense of personal space, if you move into a joint family long‑term, you are likely to face constant observation, lack of privacy, pressure to adapt, emotional exhaustion, guilt for wanting space and conflict between your identity and the family system. It is about incompatible lifestyles. Living in a joint family is not something you “get used to.” It shapes a person’s entire daily life.

* Understand that he is not going to change his definition of family. He is telling you the truth about what he wants: to live with his parents, to stay in his hometown, to keep the family unit together and to have you, as his wife, join that system. This is his real vision of marriage, and it is unlikely to change.

* You have been very clear: you need her your home, privacy, independence, space to be yourself; you need autonomy in your daily life. These are not “preferences.” These are core needs. If you sacrifice them, you will slowly disappear inside the family system.

* Perhaps have one final, calm, honest conversation with him: not emotional, not dramatic, just clear, something like:

“I respect your wish to live with your parents. But I cannot live that way long‑term. I need my own home. If we cannot agree on this, we may not be compatible for marriage.”

If he cannot compromise, walk away — kindly, but firmly because the two of you want different lives.

Love is not enough when the daily structure of life is incompatible.

The kindest, healthiest choice may be to let go — before marriage binds the two of you into a life that will hurt both of you.

Dear Ana: unless you post again in this thread, this post I am about to submit will be the last in this thread. I wish you well in this difficult time. And again, I hope to read from you again.

Dear Zinnia: you have a lot of knowledge and wisdom to offer others. I hope to read more from you in other threads as well, perhaps even your own. I wish you well.

🤍 Anita