When “Better” Becomes a Trap: How I Learned to Hope Without Clinging

“You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection.” ~Buddha

For most of my life, hoping for something better wasn’t a problem. It was my fuel.

If everything had lined up the way I once imagined, it would have looked something like this: steady financial security, meaningful creative work recognized by the world, a sense of arrival—finally—after decades of effort. I would be teaching or creating without scrambling, my work fully valued, my future predictable enough to relax into.

That picture lived quietly in the background of my days. I didn’t obsess over it, but I leaned toward it. “Better” wasn’t a luxury. It was direction. “Best” was the silent promise I used to keep myself going when things felt uncertain or unfinished.

And for a long time, that way of living worked.

Until I noticed what it was costing me.

When Hope Turns into Pressure

At first, the idea of “better” feels like light. It lifts you. It motivates you. It helps you endure difficulty.

But slowly, almost invisibly, it can turn into something heavier.

Without realizing it, I began using the future as a measuring stick for the present:

This isn’t enough yet. I’m not enough yet. I’ll be okay when…

Even moments that were meaningful—writing something honest, helping a student, finishing a creative piece—felt provisional. Valuable, yes, but incomplete. They were always pointing toward something else that needed to happen before I could relax.

That’s when I began to understand what Buddhist teachings mean by craving—not simple desire but grasping. The kind of wanting that tightens around outcomes and makes peace conditional.

It doesn’t sound dramatic. It sounds reasonable:

“I just want things to improve.” “I just want stability.” “I just want this to work out.”

But underneath those sentences was something more fragile:

I can’t rest until the future cooperates.

The Moment It Became Clear

What finally shifted me wasn’t a dramatic awakening.

It was exhaustion.

I was tired of carrying invisible deadlines for happiness. Tired of postponing contentment. Tired of living as if my real life hadn’t started yet—especially as time, health, and certainty became less negotiable.

I realized I was leaning so hard toward the future that I was barely inhabiting the present.

That’s when I began to see the difference between moving forward and leaning forward too hard.

One is healthy effort. The other is clinging.

The Kind of Hope That Doesn’t Hurt

Buddhism didn’t teach me to stop wanting.

It taught me to change the quality of wanting.

I had to decide what direction truly mattered to me if outcomes were no longer guaranteed.

The direction I chose was this: to stay committed to presence, honesty, and service—whether or not recognition, security, or resolution followed.

That meant continuing to write truthfully even when it didn’t lead to immediate validation. Teaching or mentoring one person at a time instead of waiting for the “right” platform. Choosing integrity and attentiveness over the promise of eventual payoff.

Hope stopped being a contract with the future. It became a relationship with the present.

Direction Instead of Demand

I still imagine better possibilities. I still care deeply about growth, creative work, and meaningful connection. But now I try to hold those desires as direction, not demand.

Direction asks:

What matters today? What small step reflects my values? How can I practice kindness right now?

Demand asks:

When will this pay off? Why isn’t this working yet? What’s wrong with me?

One opens the heart. The other tightens it.

Wanting Without Ownership

One of the most freeing realizations was this:

I can want something deeply and still remain at peace if it doesn’t unfold the way I hoped.

I learned to ask myself a simple question:

“If this doesn’t happen the way I want, can I still stay present with my life?”

There were times the answer was yes.

For example, I continued writing and submitting essays without knowing whether they would be accepted or lead anywhere. I showed up anyway—because the act of writing itself felt aligned, regardless of outcome.

There were also times the answer was no.

I noticed moments when I was clinging—checking results compulsively, tying my self-worth to responses, or feeling crushed by silence. When that happened, I knew I had crossed from direction into demand.

So I stepped back. I rested. I returned to what I could offer without ownership: attention, care, honesty, presence.

Freedom lives there.

Imagining Without Escaping

I used to escape into visions of a better future.

Now I try something gentler.

Instead of asking, “How do I get to the perfect version of my life?” I ask, “What would a slightly more awake version of today look like?”

Maybe it’s listening more carefully. Maybe it’s resting instead of pushing. Maybe it’s writing one honest paragraph. Maybe it’s breathing instead of bracing.

This kind of imagination doesn’t pull me away from the present.

It brings me home to it.

You Only Have to Stay

What I keep learning—slowly, imperfectly—is that I don’t have to solve my whole future.

I only have to stay.

Stay with effort. Stay with uncertainty. Stay with compassion. Stay with the messy, unfinished present moment.

This isn’t resignation. It’s devotion.

When desire arises, I gently shift the language in my mind:

Instead of: “I want this outcome.” I say: “I commit to this direction.”

Instead of: “I need this to be okay.” I say: “I will practice being okay while I walk.”

It’s a small change. But it softens the grip of craving and opens space for peace.

A Different Kind of Hope

Real hope doesn’t promise comfort.

It offers companionship.

It doesn’t guarantee the future.

It teaches us how to stay present with whatever arrives.

And strangely, that kind of hope feels stronger than the old version.

Not because it controls life—but because it finally trusts it.

About Tony Collins

Edward “Tony” Collins, EdD, MFA, is a documentary filmmaker, writer, educator, and disability advocate living with progressive vision loss from macular degeneration. His work explores presence, caregiving, resilience, and the quiet power of small moments. He is currently completing books on creative scholarship and collaborative documentary filmmaking and shares personal essays about meaning, hope, and disability on Substack. Connect: substack.com/@iefilm | iefilm.com

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