My boyfriend’s female friend makes me uncomfortable

I know, I’ve heard this one a thousand times, and I know what I’d probably advise to my friends, but it’s difficult to think lucidly from inside.

Some background –
I’ve been with “Sam” for a year. He’s had his friend “Jane” since they were in school, probably 10 years. I don’t have that kind of bond, so maybe that’s why I’m struggling to relate or rationalise the circumstances.

My longest friendship is 7 years with another woman, and we’ve been through a lot, travelled together, lived together, and know everything about each other, but I still him its different- we met while working overseas, we didn’t grow up together, our parents don’t all know eachother, we didn’t go to school together, etc.

There’s also male friends “Ken” , “Nate”, and “Marv”.

I recently moved in with S and his parents in a small town, which is undoubtedly contributing to my feelings of isolation and anxiety, as the relationship moves fast, I wasn’t planning to move here, and now I’m struggling to find a job. I’ve struggled all my life with depression and recently it’s reared it’s head again.

Everyone is about 26-27, whereas I am 30.

This is my first and longest real relationship. My previous relationships (3+ YEARS AGO) were abusive, I was physically and emotionally harmed, and also cheated on – which I can conceive affecting my judgement, and I try to be thoughtful and sit with my emotions and understand whether the source of feeling triggered comes from within, my past experience and scars, or comes from present inappropriate behaviour….

But I’m struggling. I can’t reach out to my best friend for insight or advice right now as it would be unfair to burden her in her current circumstances.

I found this website and am very eager to hear anyone’s thoughts – I would be grateful for someone willing to take the time to read through my situation and share their opinions/ wisdom, as I feel like my emotions are clouded now.

Based on what I’ve shared so far, I know I am the odd one out, and I feel like it. Along with my history, I take it into account and am reluctant to bring up my discomfort with my boyfriend, as I know it’s possible I could be making an issue out of nothing, or getting myself upset.

Regarding Jane, I met her almost 10 months ago the first time I visited this town. I think she’s sweet, emotionally intelligent and caring. She’s the only one in the friend group with a license and is relied upon for travel and group excursions a lot of the time. I like her and I want to like her but there are some things that have triggered alarm bells ;

– either the first or second time I met her, there was a conversation between her and Ken in which she boasted about her manipulation skills, and recalled an occasion where she won a game against him by pretending to cry.
– the second or third time I met her, it was Myself, Sam, Jane and Nate walking home, we sat down for a moment and she brought up out of nowhere that her mom thinks Jane and Sam should be together. This made me very uncomfortable, and I felt like saying that was very strange, and crossed a boundary, but Sam Nate and I just didn’t really react. She followed up with saying that would be gross, like incest.
However she has brought this up again on another occasion when we were at her house playing board games.
– she talks quite matter-of-factly about her dating life / sexual health. I generally appreciate when women are so comfortable doing that as I am more reserved, but it sometimes makes me uncomfortable, but I think it’s normal
– Nate and Ken both apparently have feelings for her , but we all continue to hang out as a group, without new boundaries – I’m not trying to say she’s leading them on or aiming to make an accusation, but I do get a sense she enjoys it, as there was a time she was discussing Ken , and stated offhand ‘everyone knows he’s in love with me’ which struck me as odd.
– Jane has been planning to move East to the city in November (Our friend Marv is moving with her). In June she got a weekend job at the bar my boyfriend works at . She already had two decent paying jobs and has never worked in a bar, but I understand she wanted a little extra cash, and to get some experience in hospitality as it’s easier to find work in bars in the city. But it made me uncomfortable, it’s a very small bar , they were in very close quarters, and she started wearing more revealing clothes , that everyone noticed and commented on – which sidenote she should be allowed to do without anyone commenting and I’m angry on her behalf that she received any feedback like that, but I’m a hypocrite because it still worries me. I’ve worked in bars, I know what it’s like. I know that being a woman behind the bar draws attention no matter what you wear, I know when you pass by in a narrow space there’s often unintended physical touch, often it’s intended. I’m trying not to think the worst of either of them, but I also feel stupid not to recognise what happens working in a bar, after working 10 years in bars.
– I dropped my boyfriend off at a shift they both worked and he asked what I was going to do while he was at work , she said ” you could move out while he’s at work”. I was stunned but didn’t show any reaction and just laughed and said ” yeah I could, but I’m not going to”. But that’s a bizarre thing to say right? Am I going insane ?

Another thing worth noting is I’ve never asked Sam if they’ve previously been in a relationship. I would like to think that wouldn’t matter, what matters it present behaviour. But maybe I’m also afraid of knowing, as it would give substance to what I’m seeing now.

I am worried that whatever I say to my boyfriend would then be mentioned to Jane, and I don’t want her to know she’s getting to me if that’s what she’s trying to do, create drama or whatever. But I’m uncomfortable holding this suspicious attitude! However it’s the reality that has developed over the months of knowing her.

There is some behaviour from Sam that bothers me, but again, I also don’t want to get worked up and bring it up if I’m really just overanalyzing, and he’s only exhibiting normal behaviour between friends / sisterly affection. I don’t want to upset him and I don’t want to make a big deal, especially if she’s leaving in a few weeks anyway.

It is as follows :

– I feel sidelined when she’s around, like he doesn’t hear me / ignores me, but this is true in some other circumstances and I have mentioned it too him with the context of “when we’re in groups I feel left out” or “when he’s at work I sometimes feel cut off or ignored but understand that he’s working and customer service and the running of the bar is the priority then, not me”, not with the context of Jane being the key figure in these scenarios
– I haven’t mentioned this but he seems to subconsciously cut me off from the group circle if we’re just stood chatting, standing slightly in front of me instead of stepping back and allowing space for me to stand , which I get if he’s used to just standing with his friends but it stings and we’ve been together for long enough now that I want to feel included too
– this feels so petty to even write down but he sits next to her in the passenger seat instead of with me in the back even when there’s four of us and the fourth person could be in the passenger seat
– When we walk outside he appears to instinctively walk up close to her with no space for me to be next to him, and sometimes I feel like I’m just alone in the back forgotten.
– He’ll answer her phone calls when we’re in the middle of a conversation, just suddenly be in a different conversation on the phone and leave me feeling cut off. Then when he’s done he’ll resume with “sorry , you were saying?” And it feels rude and disregarding
– Sometimes my boyfriend does a sort of play fight dynamic with Jane, and I know that happens with friends , male and female, I’ve roughhoused with my male friends. Honestly I think I am projecting with this one but it’s beginning to feel flirtatious on some plane, or at least I feel like it’s suggesting flirtation to Jane, like little boys being mean to the one they like. When we were out as a group recently, Sam was playing pool with Marv and I was sat with Jane, he came over and booped her on the forehead but then gave me the middle finger. Sometimes we have a joking sort of aggression too but that really struck me and hurt my feelings so much that I had to leave.

I don’t want this all to bother me, but I don’t think I can justify it forever as ignorance or naivete, I don’t know what’s going on!

Jane studied psychology at university, she bragged about being manipulative, and she doesn’t drink so I know she’s switched in and could have the capacity to behave in a calculated way.

I don’t want to become suspicious and paranoid, but I am undeniably uncomfortable.

Today I’ve been feeling very upset about it all, but don’t know whether I should bring it up with Sam , or just wait a few more weeks for her to move to the city , and hope that the distance makes it easier for me to think objectively. She will be back to visit for Christmas , and I want to do what I can to remove any weird feelings from my part so I can make an effort to be friends.

Can anyone offer any impartial insight that can help me work through my feelings and decide where to start a conversation with my boyfriend? Am I the problem? My inner wounds?

I feel like I’m getting lost and clouded from doubting my instincts, justifying everything, then re analyzing everything, then just becoming numb. I just want to let this all go and not worry about her, but I would never take steps to cut her off as I don’t want my boyfriend to lose a close friend. The other option would be to break up and I don’t want that either.

If my post is confusing, I am sorry. I feel like my thoughts are very tangled and I hope anyone can offer some advice for thinking more clearly about this.

Final note- I am planning to seek a therapist once I can secure a job, LOL!

Thank you,

Olive