Resentment, Anger, Jealousy and Pain

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This topic has 15 replies, 6 voices, and was last updated 10 years, 7 months ago by @Jasmine-3.

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March 30, 2014 at 1:35 am #53788
Zita
Participant
Hello Fellow Readers,

This is my first day in the tiny buddha community. I read some of your post and was totally amazed by the wisdom and life experiences everyone has shared. Thank you guys for sharing your beautiful and insightful experiences. Here is a little about me:-I recently came out of a somewhat emotionally abusive relationship. My boyfriend of almost 3 years left me after my consistent attempts to make the relationship work. We in a long distance relationship for almost 2.5 / 3 years. Things got really bad since past year or so. Here is a little synopsis of the past;-

One year into our relationship my boyfriend moved to a different city , following that, our fights got bigger and worse over minute things. Its like he became another person, that no longer wanted me in his life. One day I found out that there is a potential girl in his life that him and his family likes . I will be honest, I was jealous to the core. I felt really out of the loop not knowing whats going on. Afterall, I was miles apart from him. Over time this somehow took my trust away from him, I knew he was never sure about me ( our backgrounds were very different), he was never sure if he can be fully committed to me although he did say he loved me. Even though initially we would discuss things like .. getting married and making future plans, however he always fell short of making our relationship into something tangible. Every time I was around him I felt unwanted ( as if I am some sort of rebound till the next better person comes along in his life).

However, for me things were a little different, I was madly and head over heels in love with this guy, I saw a future with him, I don’t know what it was in him that pulled me so deeply and intensely. I saw a best friend that I thought if the times come I could rely on. However as timed passed by , he would bestow upon me, a lot of his own personal life expectations and failures. I was always criticized for being so ” imperfect”. I was still a student and didn’t really have my life together too. But so did he, I don’t think anyone should have a right to make another person feel inadequate, incomplete, full of flaws and just downright unworthy of love and attention. He did stick around me for some time, but that sticking around seemed like a chore to me. It was like he is there because he has some sort of obligation to be there. I felt this strongly over time because he was always so critical of me and my life and past experiences, this would create so much anxiety within me ( I always feared him leaving me for something he didn’t like, at that time I just wasn’t ready to let go of what I thought we could have together ) . He always made me feel more insecure in my own skin with each passing day because of something I lacked or because of some inherent flaw I inherited from my parents, or something I was incapable of … ( I have had a tough life growing up, so yes I did have my issues) But he always blew things out of proportion and related everything in and about me to my internal traits and character not to my tough circumstances. This was very disrespectful in my eyes.. I always tried to communicate with him but he had this tendency to always want to be right and he would go to far lengths to prove his point. I never felt heard in our time together. It was like as if I am trying to get through a person who doesn’t want to see where and how he could be hurting me, sure I believed in his constructive criticism but to outright kill someones self esteem but dehumanizing and ripping everything from their past tough life experiences to present is just pure evil.

I saw this coming from a long time, I was hurting me in the long run by staying with him, But I just couldn’t walk out. My self esteem and confidence after daily constant criticism about the most mediocre of things, made me feel so worthless. I went in depression and got highly anxious about everything and anything in my life.He never even cared to call me to end things when he broke, never picked up my calls. Just ended things over a text – can you believe 2.5 years of relationship and end it over a text ? How sadly is that. This very act made me feel and realize how little did I matter for him.

Sorry I know that was a read- but coming back to now- I have so much anger in myself towards myself for loving him so intensely. For refusing to listen to my friends and family and believing in him and our relationship. Now I anticipate my worst fears coming true, I fear that he will end up with that same girl his family likes. I know it shouldn’t matter to me who he ends up with, but unfortunately it does. Its eating me up inside, I need to let go and move on in my life. I see my days slip by day and night and I see myself so sad and betrayed as an observer too, sometimes I want to smack myself out of this trance of pain and anger. But it just pulls me inside. I don’t even know if this is making sense. I think about him and me in the past and I think about him and that girl in the future and it drives me towards insanity, pain and resentment. I don’t know what to do anymore.. any advise would help, I know you all have a lot of wisdom and experience and it helps to know there are others like me too
- This topic was modified 10 years, 8 months ago by Zita.
- This topic was modified 10 years, 8 months ago by Zita.
April 2, 2014 at 10:48 pm #54058

Anonymous
Inactive

Dear Zita,

Hello there and welcome to “Tiny Buddha” 😀 I am sorry that it ended so badly and you must be feeling terrible now. *hugs and love to you*

Now getting down to the actual stuff, after reading about your situation, all i can say is that you need to read your own comment again. You’re already aware that this man didnt make you feel too good, kept putting you down and already had someone in mind. All this happened right after he shifted away but tell me something, if your love was strong, would you be feeling so messed up and devastated from inside? I think you can already see how emotionally dependent you were on him. He validated you greatly, didnt he? Despite his shortcomings, his opinions did matter like anything to you.

When relationships start real young and we have a great deal of insecurities piling up from the past, we tend to lean heavily on some people for approval. Often, this leads us to ignore the tell-tale signs that how cumbersome it is for even the other person to deal with us, when if fact they could be dealing with themselves. I am not saying you did anything wrong by taking support but was he emotionally mature enough to give it correctly? You pointed out how he often criticized your fundamental traits and other pivotal issues.

” But he always blew things out of proportion and related everything in and about me to my internal traits and character not to my tough circumstances. This was very disrespectful in my eyes.. I always tried to communicate with him but he had this tendency to always want to be right and he would go to far lengths to prove his point. I never felt heard in our time together. ” – do you see some of his failings here as well? He just didnt listen and now he doesnt have the guts to even pick up your call, break up decently like a proper human being does. He isnt even replying to your text…

My dear, he still isnt listening to you! Does being in love give him the right to behave so badly and not listen?

But are you even listening to yourself??

“I saw this coming from a long time, I was hurting me in the long run by staying with him, But I just couldn’t walk out.”

Were you even that satisfied with a guy like that, despite your lovely past before? is that any excuse for his inability to behave in a mature manner when he moved away? Does it give him the right to treat you in ways that hurt you to the point of depression?

Is that the relationship you deserve? Seriously??

And now, you say that its killing you from inside that he will end up with some other gal? Jeez, cant you see he doesnt deserve you at all, you’re miserable with him and he wasnt even trying that hard. The relationship was dying with time but staying around just for the heck of it when both you dont feel happy anymore…thats just bull and even you know it.

You run, 10 miles, 100, 1000 miles away from this chap. He just wasnt worth your time. I was with someone for 5.5 years and believe me, walking out, claiming my dignity and right was the best thing i did. I was miserable after the break-up but i knew he was toxic for me. You just want to be with him because you are too scared of what will happen without him. Its not just “love”, its emotional dependency!

Get him out. You deserve way more than this rubbish!

April 3, 2014 at 12:50 am #54060

Zita
Participant

Hello Danger,

I am not sure if you were being sarcastic in your reply by mentioning that ” you didn’t know that girls are human beings too ” off course we are danger and there is no such thing as perfect. It just doesn’t exist in any world not just this. And not all relationships are dangling over the sex sword, people look for more substantial things, even though he is a guy and as much I want to agree to your assumption that most guys want just someone to grab onto, unfortunately my experience and awareness doesn’t say the same. Specially Not about my ex ( even though we aren’t together, I respect him as a human being , even though he never respected me ) but I do understand your point . I sense some bitterness in you about girls and guys and relationships in general. Hopefully with time things will sort for you too, I wish you well friend .

April 3, 2014 at 1:42 am #54061
Zita
Participant
Thank you Jess for taking the time to read and reply, I have read your other posts and I must say you sound like a wise woman. You are right, his love was not strong, perhaps that’s why I am the one feeling the loss here. For me I would say, I saw a best friend in him, on whom I can rely- emotionally yes. However, I don’t know if it is a good or bad thing. He expected the same from me for his daily emotional needs and wants. I thought it was mutual. I do have other friends and I am generally a socially active person, therefore he was not the only guy friend in my life that I could resort to for sharing anything. I just thought that’s what you do in a relationship, listen and support each other . Perhaps I did share more of my past than I should have , perhaps it wasn’t necessary for me to open up to the point where I openly verbalized my vulnerabilities. I guess going back to the concept of boundaries here again. But don’t you think it is a slippery slope here Jess ?? I shared sensitive information because I thought I could trust him and that he will never use my past to criticize my present ( after all, my experience shaped the same person he said he loved )

I admired his qualities that I initially found attractive and stayed fixated on them for the longest time, often ignoring the bad. I don’t know why I did that, I did have a choice- not to ignore it after all. He did validate me, but for me that validation seemed like it was coming from a place of love and care.

I knew I didn’t deserve the treatment I received . But I was too afraid to lose that friend I saw in him – someone to talk to without the fear of judgement. Now I never want to trust another person for sharing any part of my life, if my best friend/ bf can use the power against me. Who else can I trust ? ? It takes my faith away from anyone and everyone. I can sense myself being closed off already.
The hardest thing about all of this, is accepting that he did treat me very very wrong and I deserve to move on. I can’t conquer the idea of him not being here. Even though I wasn’t happy with the man he later turned out to be, part of me still wants to hold on to him ( I find this problematic ). I wish I understand this concept better with age and time that why would I want to stay with someone that is not serving me or adding value to my life, instead giving me pain. Why do I want to hold on to every last bit of it! Why do I only sulk over the good times! I should not miss someone like that right ?? But I do !! And yes I am scared like never before, sometimes I sit blankly not knowing what to do if not talk to him ( even though I have a pile of things to be taken care of ) I never looked at it as dependency, always thought its mutual emotional bonding- he shared things so did I .maybe I should look into ‘ psychology of wanting to be in a crappy relationship with abusive partners” ,obviously I am missing something here . Thank you jess for your Insight <3
- This reply was modified 10 years, 7 months ago by Zita.
- This reply was modified 10 years, 7 months ago by Zita.
- This reply was modified 10 years, 7 months ago by Zita.
April 3, 2014 at 3:08 am #54068

@Jasmine-3
Participant

Hi Danger

You need to work on your vocabulary. Otherwise, you might be in for regrets in the near future. Whatever we think about the most, we become that unfortunately. My experience tells me that the type of energy that we radiate onto others, comes back to us multi fold. So if you feel that you are not radiating positive energy in your posts, then it is time to change the focus. You dont have to be nasty to someone to make them aware of your innate feelings. I hope you will take some time to think about this. Many times, we do things without realising their consequences. And by the time we realise the consequences, it is often too late.

Best wishes,

J

April 3, 2014 at 3:10 am #54069

@Jasmine-3
Participant

Hi Zita,

I am sorry that you have had to read such a post from another TB fellow. Pls dont let it create any negativity in your heart. There is a lot of beauty in the world and you just focus on that.

Lots of love,

J

April 3, 2014 at 8:11 am #54085

Anonymous
Inactive

Dear Zita,

I hope you’ll feel better soon. Do look into the possible dependency cycle – it is a sign of unhealthy self-esteem.

Additionally, this pain that you are feeling now is a normal reaction post-breakup . Believe me, these break-ups are nothing short of devastating…it feels like you lost a part of you but maybe this break-up will help you find that “breaking” moment where you come to peace with a lot of issues about yourself. Atleast my break-up was the final push for that process to begin. This desire to hold him is just that attachment from time the before…old habits, comforts, memories but it will fade as you move on.

Now i am not denying you wont cry, feel angry and think of calling him. But dont do it. He hasnt had the decency to answer and face you. I can tell you one thing though…you can trust others, despite the past, despite this pain. This person may not have had the maturity to handle your deepest secrets but that doesnt mean no one can. There was an error of understanding and thats how we learn in life on how to understand people better. It was a learning experience for you. There are good people out there who care.

This painful experience can teach you a lot about you. After my break-up, i eventually recovered parts of me that got lost while trying to make that relationship survive. I faced some of my inner demons. Over time, after a series of rebounds (funny stories bdw -_- oh the mistakes of youth *sighs*) and crying, angry looks at those “stupid happy couples”, pseudo-feminist tendencies (huh, i dont have a man. i need no man!), make-over, temporary weight-loss, wardrobe change, excessive career focus and finally, “yep, i like my own cozy single place but i dont mind sharing it”…i was done..you’ll have your phases too.

As for now, allow yourself to feel this pain, go numb, cry all you want…make your mistakes, then when you really are ready…get up, pick up the pieces and tell yourself that you’ve the guts to love again despite the chance your heart might break..When the time is really right, it will happen…be kind to yourself through this difficult time!

Good luck dear friend!

April 3, 2014 at 8:46 am #54090

Anonymous
Inactive

@Danger – dude seriously, cut down on the abusive way of writing. its really upsetting and alienates people who read it. you might have your own issues but please be considerate of other’s feelings too in this regard.

April 3, 2014 at 9:12 am #54093

BruceWayne
Participant

Zita,

I understand you are on an emotional rollercoaster as of late. What happened is not your fault. Loving other people is a wonderful thing.

The best advice I can offer is probably what you already know, its time to let go, and move on. How, you may ask? It can be as easy or as hard as you make it. Understand that you are a unique, beautiful girl that a hundred guys would fight for. You are not a woman who is defined by her past, and you are certainly not defined by your past relationships.

I know you feel like you made “mistakes” with this guy, but you cant beat yourself up about this because they arent mistakes at all. You cant predict the future Zita, you made the choices you did at the time because you were hoping for the best, you didnt actually have any intention of making a mistake right then and there. Consider it a lesson learned. I’ve been there too sister, I think everyone has trusted in the wrong person before, and believe me, falling in love certainly blurs everything for everybody else as well.

Zita, right now, you are totally free of this guy, you have a new fresh start on yourself. This is an exciting opportunity for you to do what you want to do, and grow as an individual.

Best of luck ZIta

April 3, 2014 at 12:51 pm #54114

LaReason
Participant

Zita, I seriously could have written your initial post myself. I was in a very, very similar relationship for 3 years and it ended very much the same way, long-distance, phone call. Another girl in the picture. I had spent 3 years fighting, dealing with abuse (physical and emotional) and being told I wasn’t good enough to marry, that he loved me but didn’t want to marry me, couldn’t see us together in the future, etc. Extremely hurtful things, and my self-esteem was already seriously low. I was definitely co-dependent on him and even three years after the break-up, the sight or even thought of him with that girl he left me for would make me literally want to throw up. I blamed myself, thought it was my shortcomings and things about myself that I can’t change (the way I look, the things I like to do, etc) that made him leave.

Fast forward 5 years and I am with a loving kind and supportive man who loves me for EXACTLY WHO I AM. I still don’t fully believe it because it has been so engrained in my brain that I am unworthy of love, I am not good enough, that I am a burden for him, etc. I’m working on it, I’ve come an awfully long way. At least most of the time I can now see my ex for what he was, a very insecure and emotionally undeveloped person who was unable to love me because he was and still is unable to love himself. It wasn’t my fault. I didn’t make him leave because I was horrible. He chose to leave because he was scared of commitment..and still is. He is exactly the same person now as he was then (I recently reconnected with him on a friendly level).

I guess the point of my post is to let you know you’ll get through this. He won’t have control over your emotions forever. You will be okay. 🙂

April 6, 2014 at 12:17 am #54338
Zita
Participant
Dear Jess,

I still break down every other day. I can very much relate to your last post. I do think I am going through those phases right now, specially (” ah I am only going to focus on my career), ( I need to go somewhere, take a vacation) and ( I don’t need a man, I am going to be single and happy ) haha good to know that I am not very different from others in the same boat.

I break down on most nights and as I do, I come here to read your letter. It gives me strength to move on, so thank you Jess. However, at the same time, it scares me from opening a can of things that I have realized about myself and others during this journey. It is time to face them I guess, I am not sure if digging it and ” dealing ” with things that are happening within me is the way at this point in time. Don’t you think in order for me to survive I should just not dig deeper and just move on, point blank. I almost wish I can start over like what John Locke once called ‘Tabula Rasa” aka blank slate. My mind only focuses and dwells upon the good moments I shared with him, ignoring the many worse times. My brain just filters out all the pain he gave me and goes back to holding on good things tightly. As if, its almost wired to filter out the all the inconveniences of our relationship and remember only the good.
- This reply was modified 10 years, 7 months ago by Zita.
April 6, 2014 at 12:59 am #54340

Giacomo
Participant

@Danger. Try not to post while drunk, please.

April 6, 2014 at 3:09 am #54341

Anonymous
Inactive

Zita,

I ask you to look at the core issues for a healthier sense of self. This process, though life-changing is not recommended until you really decide for your sake..I must add: Break-ups, rebound and shifting focus faces are often similar for many 🙂 Its quite intriguing when i observe my friends having break-ups and seeing the similar coping mechanisms! You’re doing fine 🙂

As for remembering the good stuff, it isnt a bad thing per say. in the end, despite all the bad, remember that this experience was a stepping stone in your understanding. This man wasnt the best for you but you did get to feel some wonderful emotions too. Over time, your heart will catch up with your mind and make you truly accept that this had to end. Be patient. The storm shall pass.. You’ll have newer insight once this painful phase subsides. Remember, you’re a strong, sensible person who is seeing her share of ups and downs in life. This is just a part of that journey.

Lots of love,
Jess

April 19, 2014 at 12:00 am #55009

Zita
Participant

Hello again Jess,

Sorry to bother you again, but lately I have been having these overwhelming feelings of resentment to the point where sometimes I wish to hurt myself so I can make him understand the kind of pain he has caused me. I am seeking help for this but the resentment takes over me so much. I look for ways to make him realize how much he has hurt me when I see him just fine enjoying his life and moving on just fine. It makes me say ” how can he be so happy and normal ” why am I the only one suffering, why doesn’t he fell bad about making me suffer. What can I ” do” to make him realize the extent of my suffering. Sometimes to the point of hurting myself maybe that might truly make him understand what his actions has caused. But I won’t be around to actually see that would I then? Is giving up on my own life just to make another person feel guilty worth it . I don’t know I am miserable :,( I don’t know how to stop these thoughts.

April 19, 2014 at 3:30 am #55011

Anonymous
Inactive

Dear Zita,

You arent bothering me 🙂 Dont worry about that atleast!

Consider this thought very deeply – “Holding on to anger and resentment is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die”. Deep down, you’re still attached to him, arent you? Earlier to make you feel good and now to make you feel like all this suffering has some meaning. Seeing him so normal and happy fills you with rage because it makes your emotions seem out of place. Since you cant do anything about how he feels, you want to take out that anger on yourself..perhaps hoping that if you hurt yourself enough, he’ll finally notice your pain and it will be worthwhile. The more you hold on to him, the worse it will feel.

No matter how painful this will sound, i will say this to you – Perhaps he has moved on much before you. Perhaps he will find someone else and forget you. Zita, you can only live your life. He cant live your feelings or thoughts. You’re still attached him though. Do you honestly think this one person is worth so much of trouble?

Isnt there more to you than wanting to hurt this person by hurting yourself?

Please do understand that such feelings, including many more will crop up. Remember that you’re not only your feelings alone. There is a long way to go and giving so much power to one person over your well-being is something you need to think about. Right now, i would suggest you start with metta meditation and stay busy – make plans, keep doing something fun and journal a lot as well. Two things that really helped me was dancing, exercise and walks in nature with some soothing music on. I used to pray a lot when i felt really sad and alone. I admit i used to imagine God in pink with those golden clouds and a orange unicorn and it was pretty nice to talk to him.

For now, try to avoid any contact with him – dont check his facebook or try to find out about him. Its harder said than done but it will aid in your recovery. The more you work on yourself, the better your world will begin to feel. These thoughts will subside once you start calming down. I know that is just a temporary thing and you’re a very sensible person. You’re going to be alright.

Who knows, maybe if you meet him after a few months, he might be amazed at how much cooler/comfortable you’ve become with yourself? That could be a positive way to make him realize what he lost 😛 and that change will help you for life.

Think about it 🙂
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