Mindfulness

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This topic has 17 replies, 10 voices, and was last updated 10 years ago by Embers Pearl.

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April 6, 2014 at 3:33 pm #54382

Embers Pearl
Participant

Who here practices mindfulness?

I don’t just mean meditation, but rather being mindful in your everyday life?

I am wondering what people’s thoughts are about it and how it helps with relationships (I mean just with people in general, not romantic)

Em

April 6, 2014 at 6:25 pm #54386

Emily
Participant

Hi, Em
I do! 🙂

It’s a tough road, if I’m totally honest. I’ve only really just got the hang of it and I’ve been practising for a good year now, although it’s different for each person of course.
I think it helps a lot, and paired with meditation it relaxes the body and mind and relieves you of a lot of stress.

It doesn’t take any effort at all, and actually makes your relationships with people (both friends and family, acquaintances and strangers) a lot more fulfilling.
Being mindful and taking more notice of your surroundings and your peers will mean you’ll ‘see’ more than you used to, maybe even understand more about a friend or family member that you thought you knew everything about (but you didn’t because you may have not been paying full attention to everything around you and them).

Part of being mindful is to hear, see, taste, touch and smell without reacting. For example, if you have an itch – be mindful of that itching sensation, be aware of it, but resist the temptation to react to it.
The same goes with every day situations, arguments or normal conversations. Be aware of what’s going on, what’s being said, how the person looks when they’re talking (facial expressions, body language) etc, but be mindful. Resist the temptation to ‘butt in’ at the wrong time, resist the temptation to let your mind wonder about wherever you are.

I’m going to wrap this up before I go off on a complete tangent (it’ll probably end up not making much sense after a while), basically what I’m trying to say is that yes mindfulness definitely helps with relationships of all kinds!
It’s definitely brilliant if you want a better relationship with your mother/father/children/siblings.

I hope this helped 🙂
Sorry about how long it is.

~ Emily

April 6, 2014 at 7:23 pm #54389

Al
Participant

Em,

With enough practice, I’d like to say that it has now become an instinct for me. All my thoughts/actions are governed by it and has indeed improved my inner and outer being tremendously. To be fully awake and aware in moments of positivity is exhilarating.

As for how it helps with our connection with others, well, I personally believe that it allows us to be more caring, loving and compassionate. It allows us to speak/act with care and in ways that will not be physically, mentally and emotionally harmful. And, because of this, I’d like to believe that we’re able to conceive more meaningful interactions; expanding our positivity and insight further.

Namaste

Al

April 6, 2014 at 9:23 pm #54393

AJ
Participant

I believe mindfulness can help our relationships because it puts in a position to be accepting, understanding, non-judgmental, compassionate…all the things that allow us to connect deeply with another person. It allows us to notice and accept ideas that conflict with our own beliefs, behaviors we would not choose for ourselves, and still see the value in the other person – just as they are.

When we don’t have the need to control other people, we open ourselves to connection. Mindfulness helps with all of this.

April 7, 2014 at 4:31 am #54403

cherrymom
Participant

Looks like something I’d like to look into as well. It’s amazing what meditation can do!

April 7, 2014 at 9:47 am #54418
Embers Pearl
Participant
Thank you all for such insightful and interesting thoughts.

I feel the same most of the time and my job has required me to develop a way of seeing people and their lives in as non-judgemental way as I find possible. I do worry about people who have no negative thoughts because I would wonder if they go inside or are hidden and cause physical symptoms. Equally for me its not about not having negative thoughts, more what one does with them. Mindfulness can perhaps assist with this.

My difficulty would be this:

I will present a fictitious scenario here.

John has been in a job for 10 years. The job becomes too much for one person and so his bosses agree for him to have an assistant. John is one of the interviewers and helps to pick Kevin.

All is going fairly well until John is off sick for a week. While he is away, Kevin deletes some of the forms John has created and one’s that are well written and work for the task they are required for. Kevin then creates new forms, which are not very good and when John returns he feels both hurt and angry at Kevin trashing what amounts to 10 years of work.

Luckily John has them on disk but, Kevin has already implemented his and so it will be very time consuming and cause bad feeling for John to re-instate his own forms. Because kevin’s are so badly written he feels he must.

John has chosen to live in a mindful and zen style way. However he must do something about these forms and he wants to do it without causing too much aggro. He has also discovered recently that Kevin is a touchy, slightly aggressive person. What should John do?
- This reply was modified 10 years, 1 month ago by Embers Pearl.
- This reply was modified 10 years, 1 month ago by Embers Pearl.
April 7, 2014 at 9:51 am #54420

Jordan
Participant

I agree with you totally. I practice mindfulness in all of my connections with others and in doing so I notice that people are more open to communicating with me on multiple levels. I believe that combined with stillness and opening myself up to free imposing on others I truly value them and am very accepting of them completely as they are… I call them my “hummingbirds.”

April 7, 2014 at 12:22 pm #54426

Matt
Participant

Jen,

Consider that Kevin’s aggro does not come from John, no matter what John must do to correct the errors. Kevins unskillful actions have positioned him in an awkward situation, and it is not John’s karma. For John’s peaceful mind, letting the situation arise without collapsing the space is the important part. The danger is in being foolish, to stomp off into the garden to pull a weed, and then crush many tender blossoms under careless foot. Such as giving up mindfulness to defend, attack, judge Kevin or the forms.

To reconnect to mindfulness, as John sits, he can move his attention to his breath, and the space in his mind may open up to see deeply into the nature of the situation. 10 years of work is meaningless, so attachment to the past, self identity, connected to the forms, erodes. Any deviousness or boundary crossing from Kevin, melts away, attachment to positive intentions within others, eroding. And there is John, ready, alert, awake. What was the push behind the new form? Any useable pieces of innovation? A chance to mentor Kevin? Etc, etc. From the space of mindfulness, a deep empathy can open up into the situation that allows it to untangle without aggression or delusion for John. Then, Kevin and his waves can be met with compassion, but are not mistakenly attributed to John. Said differently, John can try to be as kind as he can while reinstating the proper forms… and whatever afflictive feelings arise in Kevin are Kevin’s issue, and in John’s are John’s.

With warmth,
Matt

April 7, 2014 at 1:24 pm #54430

Embers Pearl
Participant

Matt – I think I understand what you mean. is it that you feel what Kevin did was Kevin’s Karma and therefore John could not concern himself other than to reinstate the appropriate forms.

I will add a little more to the story which is really fictitious but has echos of a real situation. Kevin actually feels a little envious of John and his position in the company and of his administrative skills. But there is a part of him that also aspires to being like John. Kevin has low self esteem and John had picked this up from the start. John’s desire is to help Kevin as he has a deep empathy for him. John is so good at what he does, he has been head hunted several times. He enjoys what he does and feels glad that he does it well. He is also under pressure and knows his bosses would not be happy with more shall we say, messy forms.

I do understand the idea of attachment to his 10 years -perhaps if he lived in a commune or as a monk, he may be able to release all attachment – but the reality is he uses his ego to achieve his good work which in turn pays his way in the world. Would this then cause a conflict – can one live and work in the world and still let go of all ego?

I am truly interested in the ideas – both for me and for enlightenment.

Em J

April 7, 2014 at 2:58 pm #54433

Matt
Participant

Em J,

It is difficult because of all of the fantasy. John’s attachment to the forms as “10 years” of work is limiting to John. Releasing that attachment wouldnt look like “let Kevin’s forms stand”, rather ” forms or no forms, what is the kind choice in this moment?” It has nothing to do with John, the fact that John made forms, the fact that Kevin made forms, or Kevin. Rather, what is skillful, what is unskillful. What do the new forms provide that bring freshness and value, and what do the old forms have that provide time tested reliability? What need did Kevin see that caused him to challenge the status quo? If Kevin met those needs unskillfully, how can it be made skillful? How can John incorporate the freshness while not giving “messy forms” to the boss? And so forth. John’s attachment may prevent him from skillfully seperating the wheat from the chaff, discount Kevin’s valuable point of view, and become motivated by self preservation, self grasping and so forth.

Said differently, if the goal remains “creating the bestest of forms”, then John and his insecurity about being replaced/undervalued, or Kevin and his insecurity of not being capable/valued, erode naturally as both of them work together to create, recreate, or revert the forms. Perhaps John’s aim could be to help Kevin find a way to make less messy forms, or keep his attentions where they are needed, rather than reinventing the wheel to be heard, and so forth.

The real question is whether or not John would be able to see innovations in the forms if they are there… or if his mind would be too cloudy from attachments. Seeing only mess and threat and invalidation… his eyes passing over wisdom because of a ” full cup”.

With warmth,
Matt

April 9, 2014 at 1:22 am #54528

Embers Pearl
Participant

Hello again Matt,

Your words have been most helpful and given me much food for thought. It has also helped me to feel more at peace about a situation which does not exactly mirror John and Kevin’s situation; it does however mirror the emotion and ego states. I shall therefore finish the story in a way I think might take the emotions at least a step toward a more peaceful way of being:

John decided to take another look at the forms Kevin created. After some time, he could see there may be some things he could use to update the current forms. He felt Kevin’s may need an edit, but generally there were some interesting ideas emerging.

He told Kevin that he was impressed with some of his ideas and had decided to integrate some of them into his own forms. Kevin was a little annoyed inside because he wanted his complete forms to replace John’s rather than be integrated. However, he did not express his annoyance because John being reasonable disabled the feeling. John was aware of Kevin’s hidden annoyance but allowed Kevin to have and deal with his own feelings and did not try to defend or mend.

John suggested that he and Kevin have regular meetings in future. ‘These’ he told kevin ‘would give us a chance to discuss ideas together before implementing them’.

April 9, 2014 at 8:21 am #54548

Matt
Participant

Sadhu, sadhu, sadhu. It is well, it is well, it is well.

April 9, 2014 at 1:41 pm #54559

louise
Participant

Everyone replying are. Good. At creating instanses.
I am new. Here and am not good at that.

My replies that come from me is simple and direct, I hope you dont mind.
louise

April 10, 2014 at 6:30 am #54600

Nike
Participant

As a reply to Em that is looking to be mindful in the everyday life, I find that one simple approach has worked for me, even though I might not be able to say that I am constantly mindful. I have practiced buddhist meditation, read a lot of good books and finally found that what I was looking for was very basic.

I am just shifting my focus from my head with its intellectual and analytical patterns, to my heart and lungs which is the core of being and feeling alive. With a focus out of the chest I feel relaxed, joyful, compassionate and really Mindful of everything around me. A very basic shift, but at the same time very powerful.

When I notice my focus slipping away, getting caught in my own head or something outside of me, I just direct my focus in front of my chest and let it flow into the chest, heart and lungs. Back to the calm, joy, love and mindfulness.

Anyone else having the same experience?

Nike

April 10, 2014 at 8:27 am #54604

Will
Participant

A started with Mindfulness some five years ago. I would say both that it’s made a huge difference in my life, and that I’m far from always mindful.

In my experience, deliberate practice, both in formal meditation and in more informal “being present” in everyday life becomes easier the more you do it — practice makes it easier to practice. And it’s a huge help to notice things before you’re reacting, or to notice your reactions before they run off with you. It becomes easier to ask: what is the kind thing to do here? What would lead to the best outcome, rather than to what my wounded ego wants?

And does that help with relationships? Uhuh-yeah! It makes all the difference, whether it’s with someone you get along well with, or in conflict. Even if they’re not on the same path, even when they’re complete asshats acting stupidly and selfishly, it helps to have just that arms-length detachment so you can see how their asshattery stirs up your own. Because what mindfulness hasn’t done for me (yet?) is get rid of my own asshattery. Au contraire, I can see it more clearly than ever. Even with all the gains I’ve made, I still go off the damn rails sometimes. In some ways it’s worse, because I can see myself acting like an idiot while I act like an idiot, and yet I keep acting like that. But on the other hand, I know my idiot moments aren’t as frequent as they used to be, and don’t last as long. And that’s worth it.

In short: recommended. Five stars. 🙂
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