Hi,

Just wanted to get this off my chest, it may help others, it may help myself by airing it.

I’ve recently broke up with my girlfriend after being together 10 years. Its been nearly 3 weeks now and still its very hard. Its getting better slightly but not by much, I’m trying to remain positive and just taking each day by day. I found http://tinybuddha.com/blog/dealing-with-a-break-up-and-learning-from-the-experience/ helped a lot, especially reading through the comments. Its comforting to know there are others feeling the exact same pain as myself and going through mostly the same process, the same thinking constantly about them, then being calm, then thinking again, then crying, then calm, then repeating the same process, the hope that she will come back, the constant checking of my phone to see if I missed something, thinking what she might be doing or what we would be usually doing at this exact time normally. Going to sleep and wishing her goodnight, waking up in the middle of the night and the first thing that enters my head is her, then not being able to sleep. When I wake in the morning for 0.0001 second I am happy because I’ve forgot that we aren’t together, only for the realisation to hit less than a second later what the reality of this situation is.

This is like a never ending nightmare and I only wait to wake up….

So the story of my relationship.. we met 10 years ago, at first only as friends, she was not in a good place, she had the most terrible things imaginable happen in her life, but I liked her company and we got on well. As the weeks and months passed we became closer and she changed, the dark place she was in started lifting and together we worked through many of her problems and the things that haunted her from her past. As months and years went by she blossomed and became the person fully who I could originally see deep down inside the moment I met her. She had finally let go of (most) of the demons and past, although the life experiences of anyone change them so it was inevitable that her thoughts, her actions and what made her “her” would always contain some of those historic problems. Its why I love her and the little things bad and good become the things that you appreciate most about that special person.

Years became years and we had the usual ups and downs of any relationship, happy moments, sad moments, moments where we depended on each other for support and to get us through situations. She was not only my partner but my best friend, someone who I could disclose my deepest thoughts and fully be myself without judgement, we grew together and both became better people because of our relationship. It wasn’t perfect, but what relationship is? but we clicked and together we became something special.

Recently my partner looked sad and down and distant, I tried to ask what was up, but nothing, then one day she told me she was unhappy, miserable and why? she didn’t know. I assumed maybe depression, but she still had interest in other things, but not everything, so I gave her a week alone, but she needed more time, I didn’t give her that, if she couldn’t decide after a week then I thought she wouldn’t change her mind, so I asked if her I should go and she said yes, but with a pain, she couldn’t let me go nor let me stay, it was so unsure. It took a week to finalise things, in that week we were good together, sad at first, but after, like normal, without the closeness. We had plans made weeks earlier for a few days before I was supposed to leave but we couldn’t go and she asked if we could do it another week, but I told her I wouldn’t be here and then she remembered. The final few days I tried to enjoy as much as I could, to absorb every last minute of her because I knew the inevitable was coming. Even the night before I left we ate a meal just like the good times. Then the morning came, she couldn’t bare to be there when I left, so she left as soon as possible and that would be the last time I saw her for three weeks now…

A few days later she contacted me by text message because a joint letter had come for us, I replied and that was that, then 4 days later she contacted me again, I told her I loved her and she said she loved me too and always would, I said I missed and her she told me she would always miss me because I was a part of her life for so long. I left it a few days and text her “I love you” she replied that she loved me too and always would but please stop because it is hard enough.

So a few days later I wrote her one final email, text her to tell her to please read it, she said she would, I explained some of my mistakes and questioned why we split up. I told her she could think it over, reply or not reply at all. So far its been 4 days and nothing. Maybe shes thinking, maybe not, but I don’t want to pressure her, if she made a mistake (that we all hope for) she has to realise that in her own time and it be her decision, I don’t want to be back with her because she gave in to my pressure.

I have questioned many situations in our relationship and many things I did wrong, or could of done better, I question if I had done those would we still be together now? Maybe, maybe not, maybe this day would of always come. I made the decisions I made at those times and I can’t change how I reacted or when I thought I was doing things for the best, they have been and gone now and I will have regrets. It takes two to make a relationship and neither of us was perfect, perhaps it ended because we both could of done things different at different times, I will never know. Perhaps only so many wrongs can be made before things finally end.

All I know is something so special, that lit up my life has gone, someone who made me so happy and I made so happy turned in to something that wasn’t making her happy and for that it makes me sad. Maybe she wasn’t happy with certain aspects of our relationship, maybe better communication we could of resolved those issues, but the last thing I want to do is make her sad.

So I will go on, trying to survive this, still hopeful she will have time to think and realise her mistake, I know deep down it won’t happen, but I hope none the less. I take comfort in the fact we came from her dark place in to the light and with me by her side she made the changes to herself to become such a better person and blossom in to the woman I love. Maybe my purpose for her is now done and by being together it has taken her and me to a point where we can go on in a better position than we started with, all the more sad because I now know I must continue my journey alone and hope that she continues to blossom further….

• This topic was modified 10 years, 7 months ago by Fred Jones.