David,

I’m sorry for your suffering, and can understand how resentment can fester in the heart of a good man. There’s a feeling, a desire to be good, productive, helpful, a hero, but as we look back at the cruelty we endured, do others really deserve our grace? People are selfish, mean, abusive, distracted… its easy to become motivated to become a champion just to spit in their arrogant faces. But you’re right, that’s not fuel for a happy journey. A few things came to heart as I read your words.

Consider that people don’t really choose to be cruel. From conditions beyond their control, such as their parents, their brain chemistry, fears, and so forth, people do all sorts of dumb things. Thoughtless things. We push each other over on the playground, trying to figure out just how tall we are, turning competitive instead of co-creative. Its normal, usual, and happens to most of us.

To heal from this we find authentic forgiveness. We have to look at our abusers in our minds eye and choose to forgive them, heal, reclaim our peace from them. “Mom, no matter the conditions that brought your painful barbs, I forgive you. May we be free from any leftover afflictions. School bully, no matter what conditions brought your actions, I forgive you. May we be free from any leftover afflictions.” As we choose to make space, find compassion, choose to see “mom” and “brother” again, rather than “bipolar abusive parent” or “bully”, the resentment fades. Why resent that your mom has had difficulty with balance? Its hard enough for her, without making it about you.

Consider that forgiving isn’t really about them, such as a gift you give to them because they are deserving. Forgiveness is a gift we give ourselves to be free from our past. Doctor, janitor, pilot… what does it matter if your head is stuck in the past? Why let clouds of past memories hold sway in the present? We can choose to set it down, let it go, forgive, accept, move on. Then, their karma is theirs, and ours is ours. Their height is between them and their genetics and nutrition, and your height is between you and your genetics and nutrition. The rest is laughable, empty of meaning. He thinks he’s better because he’s taller? That’s an interesting perception. He thinks he’s worse because he’s shorter? That’s an interesting perception.

Finally, consider starting a metta meditation practice. This anger at your parents is probably projected because your body is being overtaxed. If we don’t take time to be kind, set down the whip, and be still, silent, aware, our bodies start giving us all sorts of difficult emotional outbursts, painful mental images. Its just shadows of stress, and don’t mean we’re mean people or anything like that. Our stomachs growl when they’re hungry, and our heart growls when its tired. Metta helps us to find rest, recharge that inner lightness, warmth in our heart. What starts as a quest to find out if we’re a good person usually ends in laughter as we find out how to be self caring, let go, move on. We just have to be patient, and wait for the clouds to pass. Consider “Sharon Salzburg guided metta meditation” on YouTube if interested.

Namaste, brother, may you find your raft and paddle.

With warmth,
Matt