Recently, I’ve been wanting to become strong – physically and spiritually. I want to know how to fight but also how to love all who I come across, no matter the type. I want to accept people, bad or good. I simply want to become a great, great person. This is why at 20 years of age and 3/4ths of my way through my current college degree, I decided I would become a great doctor.

My father is the one who has been pressuring to change paths and study medicine. I’ve been afraid of doing so because of the money issue, yet my father continued to reassure me that the money was only a secondary problem. One day, I agreed to study medicine during one of his talks.

So during this summer break, I have been home forcing myself to study organic chemistry in preparation for the difficult classes I would have to take. I have never been good at studying but newly found motivation helped me learn how. 3 days in… I’ve become agitated deep down. I didn’t enjoy the studying but at least I enjoyed how I was making progress.

I read an online article about how a top student in a private school killed his parents randomly. Eventually, he realized it was because he felt suffocated by his parents and that they were forcing him to be something else he wasn’t… and for some reason I identified with him. I had a dream the other night where I was yelling at my parents. I was screaming at them with such hatred and rage and all they did in that dream was stare at the ground in shame. I realized that in forcing myself to study, I was suffocating something important. I told myself that this was all to become a doctor, to help people and heal them, NEVER EVER treading upon the idea that maybe I was doing it for my parents in the end. That was taboo, to myself, in myself.

It’s not like I don’t want to be a doctor. But I feel like I’m doing it for the wrong reasons. I was bullied as a child and didn’t get along well with people in high school and my first two years of college. My mother was verbally abusive, almost bipolar (scream, berate, then cool down and sometimes apologize). She was very, very good at putting me down. My dad would laugh and try to cheer me up so it hurt me a lot when he and my mother had to fight. I think this has put some kind of deep resentment towards the world inside me that I never really got over. I desire to be wise and know what to do when people break down because at that point I’ll probably know how to deal with myself. I desire to be strong and great and at a high social status like at the position of a famous doctor because inside I want to give the entire world the finger. That’s no motive a doctor should have, right?

I have deeply rooted feelings of resentment that warps my visions for myself in the future. I tell myself that I want to be great because it’s to help people when in reality I identify more with the warriors of old times that struck fear into people and did nothing but fight. I think that I would make a great king when I know deeeeep down that I’d probably become a cruel tyrant. I obsess with being taller than other men and am damaged inside when I have to stand next to guys taller than me. I don’t know. I want to get over this desire of being the biggest, the strongest, and the ultimate. I don’t even really know if I want to be a doctor. But I want to stop wanting to be the greatest just to stand over everyone else.

Thanks for reading. Sorry if it’s confusing.