family or spouse?

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This topic has 11 replies, 5 voices, and was last updated 10 years, 3 months ago by zaica.

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July 20, 2014 at 1:24 am #61281

zaica
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hi!.. when my husband and i got married we lived with his family.. i still had no work so i took care of our newborn son. at first it was a happy atmosphere inside the house.. but later on,my mother and sister-in-law started treating me differently.. they would no longer talk to me when it would just be the three of us in the house. but it would be a different story if my husband and father-in-law is there..

then a confrontation happened.. my mother-in-law denied not treating me right.. my sister-in-law accused me of pocketing money from their small store. i was shocked. then i told my husband im leaving.. i asked him if he me and his son but he said no. we were already having fights before that almost everyday, mainly bcoz i i felt that he wasn’t prioritizing us..that me and my son place 2nd best to his family..he said i was just imagining things.. before we left, i asked my husband that if ill stay what will happen.. he said he doesn’t want me anymore. so i packed our things. called a friend of mine, and asked if we could stay at her house for a while. my mom came and told me to come home.

he came at the airport. said sorry.. that what he said was a mistake. that he was just angry. i told him to let things settle down for now.. to let time heal what happened bcoz my family were so angry at him that time..

now, my family is helping me to startover again. to have a stable job, and they’re helping me take care of my son. they ask just one thing from me. that i’ll promise never to go back to my husband.

i’m in a dilemma…

my husband wants me and my son back.. i told him it would be hard to do that coz my family wouldn’t approve.. and i also don’t want to disappoint them again. after all, they were the one’s who helped me put myself back…

please help me come into a wise decision…

July 20, 2014 at 4:20 am #61285
Inky
Participant
Good Morning!

You are the bad guy in his family. He is the bad guy in your family. Once you have your own household you will be Your Own Family.

Don’t promise your family anything. If they bring him up say you don’t want to talk about it. Once you have that stable job, find affordable day care and move out into your new place. Your husband will have to step up and help with that.

Right now the baby is the first priority and you can’t do anything without childcare. Even if it’s from your family. Or you while he works and you budget like crazy!

But make it clear that you are not moving back in with family. Even if you live in a one room apartment while he works and you’re a stay at home mom, that is the best option. I would do that myself until he’s school age and then find a part time job.
- This reply was modified 10 years, 4 months ago by Inky.
July 20, 2014 at 6:11 am #61290

zaica
Participant

thank you inky for your time.. i really appreciate it.. i just want to hear out unbiased advise for a change.. thanks so much..

July 20, 2014 at 7:11 am #61301

Inky
Participant

Anytime!

There are a lot of great voices here, Tiny Buddha is a good “reality check” resource!

Good Luck!

July 20, 2014 at 7:49 am #61304

Matt
Participant

Zaica,

What do you want to do? Set aside what family and husband and in laws want. What do you want? Do that. Or if you dont know, perhaps take a bath, meditate, nurture, grow some space inside you, detaching from everyone else, and see if you can see where you’d like to take your life. Then, do things that seem like they’ll help that path come alive. Its your journey, sister, and the right path is where your desire aligns with your heart. Your heart is fine, brilliant, clear singing. But what do you want to do?

Said differently, you seem like you’re trying to please everyone around you. That just never works. If we turn inward, work to see our heartfelt desires met, we please ourselves, develop inner peace. The people around us either see that, appreciate that, and love us for it, or they’re not worth our time (unless we’re trying to help them wake up, hug them, scrub floors alongside them, or what not.) They think you should do this or that? “Not mine, feels off, thanks though”, move on. Trust your heart, its open.

Namaste, sister, be proud of that tender heart, you’re a jewel.

With warmth,
Matt

July 20, 2014 at 5:54 pm #61329

zaica
Participant

hello matt… thank you for asking.. i want to be independent in every sense.. financially, emotionally..i just want to be able to stand on my own..

i know my family mmeans well.. they’re just thinking about my future.. they said they can never forgive my husband and his family for hurting me…

i want my husband back.. i miss him so much. when we met again after the incident i still felt the love between us…

July 20, 2014 at 7:13 pm #61335

BenzRabbit
Participant

Hi Zaica,

You have been given some good advice above by Inky and Matt.

I would add to that by recommending 2 articles – here are the links:

http://www.focusonthefamily.com/marriage/communication_and_conflict/inlaw_relationships.aspx

http://drphil.com/articles/article/28

God bless !

July 20, 2014 at 7:22 pm #61338

zaica
Participant

thanks BR… just finished reading the articles….:)

July 21, 2014 at 7:09 pm #61459

zaica
Participant

still waiting for the call.. please pray for me.. so i can have that job.. it would help me a lot to my life… my family is growing adamant as time pass.. they told me that there would never come a time that they will accept my husband back.. and here i am hoping that a day will come that they’ll be able to forgive him… he wants to visit us but i told him it’s not yet the right time.. and the money he’ll spend he should just save it first for the time that our family can really be whole again… but my family is seeing his absence as irresponsible. my friends are angry aT HIM too.. said i should give him a hard time to win us back…and i feel are growing tired of hearing me telling them that i feel so confused and lonely… my family wouldn’t hear me out and gets angry evrytime they see me crying…if not for my baby.. and if i really could afford to sustain his needs now i should have left long time ago…

July 24, 2014 at 9:45 am #61681

Anyone
Participant

Dear Zaica,

The words that come to my mind right now are ‘It happens only in India’:-)

Almost every family here, has a drama at home, esp. when it’s a joint family. I feel sorry for all the drama you had to go through from your in-laws.

I will share a lesson I have seen learnt in a hard way – Always do what you want for your life.
Excerpts: I have seen guys getting married often for the sake of their parents. And I have also seen them suffer too much and waste precious years of life after all the drama that occurs later.

It’s good that your family is supportive of you; but you’re not a child who needs directions from them to do and not do certain things. Aah, I remember a phrase I had read somewher..’Figure out what you want, and know how to ask for it’. See if it helps. Please pardon me if any of my words have hurt you or if I have been rude in my post.

And my dear, just prayers don’t help. Remember? ‘God helps those who help themselves’.

You’re listening too much on what others want you to do with your life; I would say, stand up for yourself and take a call.

Love and light to you dear!

July 31, 2014 at 6:08 am #62313

zaica
Participant

thank you A.. no.. im not offended.. actually you made me smile.. that’s a rare occurence for me.. and no im not from india.. but close enough.. haha.. im asian… and a catholic.. so i guess that would explain everything..right? :)… i love my husband.. thats why i got pregnant.. my mom doesnt want me to be married to him in the first place.. she wanted me home.. but i stood my ground that time.. that i wanted him in my life.. and a family.. they didnt want me to give birth without getting married.. its a mortal sin in our culture.. so they reluctantly held the marriage.. but i was so happy that time…coz i really love my husband..so you can imagine just how mad they are right now at my husband for doing those things to me..coz in the first place they didnt like him… yes.. i know what you mean.. i also feel the same way now that im back in my parents house.. im not free here… heck i cant even apply for a job without first consulting them…saying i have a lot of mistakes before and they always end up picking me up.. and how much it would cost them..

August 9, 2014 at 5:11 am #62925

zaica
Participant

hi Anyone!!… finally i did what you said… “figure out what you want and learn how to ask for it..” and matt, my thank you for openning up my mind and telling me to find out what i want .. i want to really have a job on my own.. i talked with my uncle, thanked him for helping me, and asked if i could look for my own job.. he said it’s ok.. asked my parents about it and they said its ok… they’re willing to take care of my baby for now, as i still have to find a room and a trusted babysitter before they trust me with their precious grandchild..:).. all is well… but.. there’s this one tiny thing.. Inky, i hope you read this.. :(.. they made me promise not to get back with my husband once i started working.. coz if that’s what would happen then they’ll not allow me to leave in the first place.. but i really want to have a job already.. start my own life.. so i can decide for myself again.r. my husband is starting to act distant already.. i dont know why.. he keeps tellng me he just misses us too much.. that he’s nearly going crazy from all the wait.. since i told him to wait to have a job first before the both of us start to fix our relationship… im confused actually…
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