Chris,

The short answer to your question “… setting myself up for the same pain all over again?” is no. So huzzah! The bad news, you’ll get some brand new pain! Doh!

From here, it sounds like there are a couple issues. Staying off her side (such as her issues with fear, shame, and difficulty owning her emotions) and staying on your side is extremely important. Meaning, keep looking at what you want, what you have, what you wish to grow, the way you respond and interpret her, and so forth. Those things are yours, they are always on your side. Have to do only with you, and what you’re doing with your time and efforts.

It seems like you’re missing her “lighting up” as she looks at you. Like, she doesn’t seem happy, doesn’t join you where you are, reach across the table and smile that wonderful smile at you. She offers it elsewhere, but when looking at you, the smile goes, and it feels like “oh, this old bastard again.” This is garbage, not true. Consider, if she didn’t care, if the love was absent, she’d do nothing… meet you with apathy, not anger. Its like, whatever is going on for her causes her to wrap her love up in very offensive package, difficult to digest with peace. Not “I’m feeling scared”, which is easy. Rather “you make me scared”, which is not easy. When “I’m feeling scared” is said, perhaps we have a natural inclination to embrace, comfort our loved one, bring their eyes back to beauty, feeling safe. When “you make me scared” is said, perhaps we have a natural inclination to repel, disengage from our loved one, tell them no, that’s not it, that’s false. All normal, usual.

I encourage you to try a different view. Consider that her past, daddy issues, other abuses, have left her romantic heart trapped in a stone tower, an isolated palace, and she needs your help. “You make me…” like a dragon, “protecting” her. Her emotional distance, the lacking in being “lit up”, like her moat. These are defenses, constructed in olden times, and you didn’t cause them, but there they are. Ya know?

The question is really “is your heart up to the quest?”. Can you smile and hug her as she tells you falsely that you are the source of her pain? Can you patiently, gently help her see that she’s safe and loved? That for her to give up some control won’t endanger her? That the whole of her, as is, is accepted? That the bridge between you two is something you wish to build together, hand in hand, heart to heart, exploring?

Sometimes we meet a person, and they are meant only as a teacher… energies just too dissonant to stay together, but we learn a ton about who we are and how we react. Sometimes we meet a person, and it is perfect, such as her stuff triggering your stuff, but both hearts keeping hand in hand, trying to see through the storms. The greatest love affairs take a lot of work, lots of deep passions inspired for playing (intimacy, romance, sex) and cleaning (therapy, head scratching, growing up). The question my teacher asked of me, when I asked him about a similar issue, was “are you both coming to the table?” Her fears, your longing, the family stuff, the relationship stuff… are you two able to put it all out there and scratch your heads, work it through, try to untangle the mess together? Said differently, the biggest issue with couples is often the fear that the other isn’t interested, the blerting and controlling and withholding and blaming and so on indicators of a lack of love. Not so. Those are a lack of feeling of safety, trust. With each other and with ourselves. As we keep coming to the plate, trying again, reaching for our prince or princess, the trust builds. If there’s a hand at the other end grabbing back, that is. Even if it squeezes too tight, its grabbin, ya know?

That being said, she has no obligation to change. This isn’t really “her issue”, though she’s the loud one. 🙂 Consider how you are unable to rest, feeling/thinking/seeing/acting “yes, dearest love, to be scared around family is normal, what a turbulence must be inside you for such actions, such fire. Whatever it is, my love, come home to my arms, there’s no need for the fear, no need for it to be anything but Christmas. Will you rejoice with me? Maybe get out of here for a few minutes, go for a walk, see the stars with me and remember?” Instead “ick, tantrum, how could she spoil it for us like this?” Again, all normal, usual, and part of growing strong of heart. Just don’t get stuck in some delusion that its “her issue”. 🙂 She has stuff, you have stuff.

From your post, she sounds like she’s worth the quest… the patient journey to see the relationship blossom safely for both of you. But that’s always, and only, between you and your heart. You deserve that “lit up” being offered to you, but its not something that is earned. Its inspired, as she sees that you’re her prince, charming. You might have to make the first move, or the first fifty moves, depending on how many “ugh, what’s wrong with you, be different”s there have been, vs how many “sounds like pain, what’s going on over there, let’s find home”s. Again, not that you built that castle, but you’re in love with someone inside it. See? 🙂

With warmth,
Matt

Hi all,

I’m intrigued by and hopeful about your situation Chris, and amazed by the depth of advice from Matt and The Ruminant. Wow.

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