While meditating, I was able to locate my first depression episode and remembered exaclty how I felt. I currently can not financially afford therapy at this time (so please understand). I am not sure what I can do with this memory. I am not sure that this memory can even be of any use to my coping with life long emotional problems, depression, and anxiety. I have been in and out of therapy most my young adult life so I do believe there can be of use with this memory. Just not sure what to do with it.

The year was 1987 and I was 10. My childhood was extremely traumatic emotionally and psychologically. I remember one summer day being alone and watching a cartoon. I was suddenly hit with overwhelming sense of guilt, shame, hopelessness, and dispare. Of course I had no one to talk to and wasn’t allowed to have emotions of my own. So I suffered through it alone never speaking to anyone about it. The feeling visits me ever since.

As I stated earlier, I was recently meditating and revisited this memory. I could see myself as a child sitting alone on the floor going though this internal misery. The only thing I could think of was kneeling down and hugging myself. I broke down in tears.

Is there anything else I can use this memory for?