Hi Tyler,

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“God, why is this so hard ?!”
You answered your question yourself. You let the thoughts of her penetrate every part of your life. You really wanted that it would last forever. You started thinking about her even before meeting her. That was written in your DNA. It was rooted in the memory of your parents who seemed to care so much one for the other or in the memory of other stable couples you saw since you were a kid. You wanted something like that and you did your best to make it true by following the example others set. When she appeared in your life she fit into that place: the only one you should ever care for. Now that place has her picture and her name printed on it. You’ve been always thinking about that empty part of you, and you will keep thinking about it, that’s only natural to read her name and think about her. You also hoped she would have a similar place in her heart and you could fit that place. Of course you fear someone else may take it. You clearly understand you did not fit into her heart and she did not feel comfortable into yours, but it is hard to remove those pictures and names nonetheless. Your mind cannot let that place go unnamed, now. Let the sand of time blur away those images, if you really cannot force yourself to replace them just yet. I think (maybe erroneously) that in order to dismantle something, one needs as many days as he took to built it in the first place.

I completely understand it would have been a lot happier if you both could go through life together and that your dream became true. Isn’t there a chance you missed something along the way? When you started crafting that place for her in your mind, you were seeing mature couples who had already chosen themselves for life. Did you ever stop to think how they chose themselves? Did you ever ask them about their experience? Consider that those were different times where men and women had less to learn and could soon make plans and move to adulthood quite sooner. In a sense it was easier to find like-minded people, because, due to the short time one had and the examples other people set, it was rare to remain boyfriend-girlfriend too long and people would soon get married. Now people know there is much more to learn about one’s partner, that there is much more to learn about the world, that there are so many goals one may try to reach and, hence, that maturity (knowing what one wants) may arrive at later age. So, when one starts a relationship, they think it is a sort of experiment or, if they do not have a clear idea about it, someone teaches them to think it as an experiment. Since you know what you want, you are more mature than others, so either you look for someone as mature as you are (and she may be hard to find) or you accept the experiment and you enjoy the relationship as long as it lasts. Please, consider you past relationship as an experiment that led you to find out you were not compatible. I know it was not an experiment for you, but you never considered it may be one. Can’t you think at all it was actually one?

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“God, why is this so hard ?!”
I have a feeling that if God existed and wanted to reply he would say something of like this: “I made it so difficult on purpose, to make the bound between man and woman so strong, that in their union they will respect and love each other and will celebrate my will and the sanctity of life. That is why I always say you should marry first, so that when your mind and your future plans are all set, you can let your feelings unite you more deeply forever and none will have to deal with a missing link later. Only than your union will become a holy experience of life, the memories of it will keep your bound strong, you will celebrate my will and become a paragon of love, loyalty and life”. If you could go back in time, would you follow such an advice and wait who knows how much for a girl as mature as you or would rather experiment?

Well, I know this all look so logical and cold. I just hope you can find a bright side in your experience so that the empty hole she left won’t look so black and empty.