If you still love each other… any chance of a reconciliation?

Hi Tyler,

I’m wondering why there was a break up in the first place. If you provide some insights about the reasons you both had or the facts that lead you to it, maybe that will help us understand the situation a little better. For the time being I’ll make guesses and assumptions.

I have the impression you’ve became quite stressed before the break-up, due to the many other problems that happened in your life. Maybe you fought with your girlfriend because you hoped she would understand your situation and may be be less demanding or more helpful. Then the break-up occurred when she could not take it any more. She decided that she was better without you, or maybe that it was better to take the risk of suffering for the time being in the hope to find something better later. Maybe she even thought that she was good for you as well to stop relying on her. If she is giving you mixed signs, it means that somehow she left the door open for you. She is waiting for you to take back you life, be happy and less stressed and become once more a pleasant company to be with. However, I do not want to make your hopes hight, are those really mixed signs? Can you describe them? You may confuse yourself in the hope things are not over. There is also the possibility that she is genuinely appreciating you as a friend and actually see you are better somehow without her. Maybe she is just telling to herself that you are better without her so she won’t feel guilty. Maybe she is provoking you to see what your reaction is.

Anyway, do you really want back a girl that left you in your moment of need and broke your bound? Things are not going to be the same even if she is back. Do you really want a girl that stays with you only when things go all right? Do you really want to go back to her demanding request and everything else you had to do to make her happy? Do you want really to go back to unheard plea for help? She decided she can’t change: what she needs is what she needs, what she cannot do is what she cannot do. Are you ready to change for her so that things will work? Maybe she is hoping you will change. Thought notice that you said “But of course i WANTED her in my life.”, you used the past.
Maybe right now you don’t need her any more, but you need the care and support you hoped you had. Isn’t there any friend or family you can count on? I also understand that the care and love a girlfriend can show is not the same as the care and love a friend or family can show. Nevertheless, please, trust you can find that again into somebody else, who may also be a better fit for you (less demanding, more supporting): keep you eyes and heart open. If you really believe she was one and unique, well you know there is some work to do to win her back, she showed you she cannot give you more than that, so it’s up to you, will you develop enough strength and energies to make her feel better? Will you wait for the moment she actually realizes she may feel better with you indeed? Will you live your life alone, doing as much as possible, care for yourself and be happier just to win her back one day? Or is it maybe better to take life as it comes, improve and be happy for yourself, and maybe keep the doors open for someone else who may be a better fit for you right now or earlier?

Oh Tyler,

I’m sorry I could not be of any better help. If she says she does not know what she wants, that’s a sign of indecision and she wants to deal with it alone for the time being. I don’t think that what you had is completely lost, you were in love, you had good time, you respect each other and deep down you still care. No matter what, when she will make up her mind, she will still consider you more than anybody else. You are the first one she will think about. She may take time to notice the change, however you have to change everywhere in your life not just in front of her. Of course I’ll advice strongly to hold on such a hope, she may decide she does not want you in the end, and if you die waiting she may actually notice a bad change. So, yes, it is a loss but not a complete loss. Would have your past been better without her? You said you changed, aren’t you happy about your growth? Moreover, remember you are still in her heart somehow, and that will be forever.

Yes, it is a loss, but not a complete loss. Please, imagine applying what you learned at your workplace and in your family. Imagine she is secretly watching over you, and she congratulates when you act according to your change, wouldn’t you feel proud? Move forward, you never know who you will meet along the way, that person may be her once again. Isn’t there somebody else in your life you can talk to about your current problem? Someone who may stay close to you as a friend? Maybe a priest, a counselor, a teacher?

Nevertheless I’m sorry for your loss and I understand things cannot be back as once they were. However, if you think a little, you’ll realize that many things change and are not as once they were, we just do not notice it or give any weight to it. I understand you are giving a heavy weight on your relationship right now, however that is the trick to go out of it, to shrink the space and time you dedicate to that thought and fill yourself with something else like friends and hobbies. That’s also why I was suggestion to not see her at all, so that you had less chances to think about her and to renew the feelings you still have for her. Of course time is a great help as well. I know everything seems easier said than done now.

However, feel free to talk about your feelings to anybody you think trustworthy. Tell your boss or co-workers that you do not feel that well these days due to a loss. Feel free to write what you think on this forum, try to be as open as possible. Say everything. Once you have written the post, read it again and decide whether you really want to post it or not. Sometimes just expressing your feelings to somebody or in print actually helps relieving the stress you have in your mind.

One more thing, who does say you should not desire her? You still need time to come out of that after all. Your thoughts are your thoughts and do not hurt anybody but yourself. Just keep them in check and do not act on them, unless everything is fair and fine. I mean feel free to daydream about flying, just do not try to jump from a cliff. Also try to shrink the time you dedicate to them, and try to think about something else. What about an holiday with some good friends?

Hi Tyler,

Quote
“Maybe she is absolutly certain about her decision, partially because of my behavior? Because i act happy all the time, and treat her like a acquaintance?”
What did you talk about when you decided to break up? Everything she thinks is what you said to her the last time. Why don’t you write her a letter with some sincere thoughts? Like “I still love you, I changed and I’m proud of that and I hope one day you can see the change and give me a new chance”.

Quote
“I have no one to talk to here. I guess that deep down, i hope for someone to say “that’s a sign that she still wants you back, go after her!””
As I told you above, those are signs she is undecided and you “can go after her”. It is just that it may take a huge amount of time before she decides and maybe she would like to know somebody else in the meanwhile. Moreover, as long as you do not set your mind and keep meeting her, you are actually going after her, even if you say to yourself you are not.

Quote
“Should i try to think about her flaws to help me get over her? Is it a good advice?”
I don’t think this will work, you loved her and accepted those flaws already. If you want a better advice, think about the qualities of another girl. Do not look at her picture on facebook, look at somebody else picture. Don’t talk to her, talk with somebody else. Why don’t you tell us how do you imagine your future girlfriend?