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Tyler Sant

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Viewing 15 posts - 1 through 15 (of 29 total)
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  • #208785
    Tyler Sant
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    I meant that i didn’t take action. I did desire other women, but didn’t talk to them, treated them like anyone else. Only told my friends about this. But since some one took prints from one conversation and eavesdropped on the other, i think she got things i little out of context, even though she still right.
    I think what i mean by all of this is: i can’t seem to be able to break the pattern. I think i”m breaking the pattern of being toxic, but only realize it after years of hurting others.I’m not a good person and can’t find a foundation in my past.
    You were the one that actually talked to me about my abuse, in another topic. It always comes back to this and i can’t fully understand what happened.

    #208763
    Tyler Sant
    Participant

    I also thought there is no benefit in telling her that. But she would ask me every now and then. Tought that what mattered the most was the fact that i kept it to myself, instead of taking action. But there is no going back now.

    #208741
    Tyler Sant
    Participant

    Dear, Anita. She said “go and try to be with your ex, who is so happy away from you”. For a long time i pretended she didn’t exist or that i love her, until she found out. When she did find out, she was heart broken, and totally right. But somehow after her knowledge of my ex and specially after my vipassana retreat, i got much better from it. Like i said, discovered how much i love my current girlfriend, not the last.

    There is many more things she said, but i don’t remember all of them and quite frankly don’t want to.

    • This reply was modified 4 years, 2 months ago by Tyler Sant.
    #208721
    Tyler Sant
    Participant

    Now i feel like crap for revealing what she said. Because i’m not the victim, she is.
    Don’t wanna sound like i am a poor guy who knows what suffering is.

    #208717
    Tyler Sant
    Participant

    Hi, Anita. Thank you so much for replying.

    She only brought up the abuse to try and explain my behavior, but not this time. The last time she wrote me, she said “you are trash. You don’t know what love is and no woman will ever want to be around you. I release you from this unbearable monogamy o you can have sex and spread diseases to as many women as you want. I hate myself for loving you and the relationship was all for nothing, all in vain”.

    I mean…those words are echoing all day long. I think she was upset that i broke her confidence and wanted to hurt me back.
    I feel like it’s all by fault, yes. But i only said to a frined that i felt desire for other women, but would never do anything because it is much more rewarding to have her love. Would never touch another woman. But i cheatead her, because i broke her confidence.
    The sick thing is that i told this to a friend on my computer, and someone “print screen” it. Then i told to my friend on a restaurant, and someone heard me. There is a person spying on me. My friends are like my brothers and we have been friends for over 25 years. They would never do it.
    I really don’t wanna paint her as a bad person, because she is fantastic. I am relieved that i won’t be with the jealous person anymore, but never wanted things to end like this. I broke her and marked her for the rest of her life.

    I do feel like the worst person in the world because everything i touch, i turn into SHIT. I was in this quest to love my self, but this was a huge setback.

    • This reply was modified 4 years, 2 months ago by Tyler Sant.
    #68624
    Tyler Sant
    Participant

    Hello guys,

    I travelled over 800 miles this past week, had to do a lot of things. Had to help my sister with her pregnancy. Even tough i couldn’t stop thinking about my ex, i was happy to stay away from this town, knowing that she might be with someone right now.
    Once i got here again, in this city, i feel sad again. I know i’m unsatisfied with life for a number of reasons, and she wouldn’t save me. If we were together, i would feel the same, because everything is so confusing now. But at least beeing away from her, makes me feel less…. stuck.
    It’s stupid to miss her, i can’t stop missing her. it’s funny, cause i always say it was the best thing that could have happened, us breaking up. It really was, from all the changes it brought to my new self. The way that it was, we would have ended eventually. But i just keep thinking that after a while, we could have solved it, to know each other again.
    Now it’s been three months. No human being in this planet, would suffer for his boyfriend after dumping him. She’s gotta be super happy. i guess there is no point asking her out to get dumped again. That would only kill me again.
    Like i said, i told her everything i felt, truly expressed my heart when we broke up. She said those things, not liking me anymore, bla bla… and then admitted to love me still, and miss everything. In those times, i protected myself from saying that i was bad over the break up. Because i had to, otherwise she would put her defenses up again and get scared. She has to be consistant.
    Leting her go is one of the worst things i had to do my entire life, and trust me, i’ve been trough a lot. Lot of deaths, lot of break ups… and this is the thing that is torturing me. I know i will come out stronger from this and life will surprese me again tough.
    Seriously, who in their right mind would still love someone after dumping him? After three months? Not her, no no…

    #68394
    Tyler Sant
    Participant

    Anne, are you saying i should ask her out, to get disappointed once again? To maximize the pain or something, so the sadness can drive me away from her? I don’t know if i follow….
    Thanks for your hugs. I know it gets better, i’ve been there many other times. But it’s so painful to walk away without much fight from the woman i wanted to build a big part of my life with, my friend, my lover, my partner.
    Do you guys think i should stop talking about this?

    #68387
    Tyler Sant
    Participant

    I did all of that Vhanon…..everything that goes by the book, i did it. I’ve been reading countless articles and books, this has been like nothing i ever felt before. My entire life is messed up and i know she wouldn’t solve things, like she didn’t when we were together. But i’m still trying to menage things, my image to other people is perfect, i think.

    What to do with this need of seeing and kissing her? I already tried the ghost things too…. what do you think she is thinking of me? I know it’s a trick question, but i wanted to fight for her. I always accepted break ups, deaths and other things without putting much of a fight…so what now? Am i making this all up, this love i think i feel? Just wanted one last kiss to say goodbye 🙁
    i’m sorry to appear such a loser, such a weak guy.

    I’m going to travel to see my sister this week…maybe this will ease my mind.

    #68361
    Tyler Sant
    Participant

    Hi Vhanon,

    Thanks for devoting your time to help me, again. Sorry it’s taking me so long to reply. I try to avoid writing, to avoid feeling this pain. Because i gotta say, it’s not being easy. When we are at one end, suffering, we imagine that the other end (hers) is very happy. Since we don’t talk to each other in over a week, i imagine her happy, without any type of feelings for me in her heart or thoughts for me in her mind. But maybe she is thinking the exact same thing of me, i don’t know.

    What i do know is that i never thought i could feel this much pain. Like i said, i’ve been trough tons of things already, but never like this. I know i have many other issues right now in my life. Since the last time i wrote, my dad was diagnosed with parkinson’s and my sister got pregnant. Things just keep happening. And it makes me miss her even more. I miss her so much, i miss her touch in those times of despair, only her touch, her smell….is this sick of me? I wanted to go to her house right now and kiss her. It’s so hard to kill my desires, the things that i really want. What do i do, instead of just waiting for time to pass? I think i’m gonna break. Actually, i wish something just happend with me, to make feel less.

    #68248
    Tyler Sant
    Participant

    I don’t know much to say, about her wanting to move on. I shouldn’t say this, i was avoidying it, but she was the love of my life. I choose her, and her flaws, to fight for us….. but everything comes to end. There will be other, sure… it’s so tough to let go. All of a sudden, it’s like we don’t know each other, we are like two complete strangers. If she wants to meet new people and be happy with them, of course she can do that. I would never get in her way, just as i am respecting her trough all this process, since the break up. I guess i tough if i gave her space, like i’m doing, she could eventually realize she wants to be with be. What a silly boy. It’s terrible to see her going to so many parties, maybe meeting new people. Sooner or later she will be with other guys, and i think i’m very imature to feel this…. but the idea of her looking at another man with those loving eyes, like she used to do with me….can’t bellieve i’m going trough this again, for the thousandth time.

    I changed for me, i saw it was good to do so, because i was right all the time before, but alone. I was pushing people away. I saw that by being an extremist, i would have to accept the loliness that comes with it. But i don’t, so i started to bring people back into my life, have up on being proud. Except her….she won’t come back.

    I really think that us breaking up was a good thing, and the old relationship will never come back. I wanted to ask her out so we would get to know one another. I wanted to rebuild our affection, even tough i know there plenty of wonderful women out there. God, why is this so hard ?!

    #68212
    Tyler Sant
    Participant

    Forgot to say one thing.
    After all we went through, i can understand the break up, like i said. What i don’t think is possible, is for someone, despite being happy, to forget all the feeling and love for the guy they loved, the most special guy of their lives. Or does that happen too?
    Then i look at myself…and sometimes i don’t even see a guy worthy of love, or a man…. i’ve been duped so many times that i feel unable to feel like an object of desire for anyone, let alone hers.

    #68211
    Tyler Sant
    Participant

    Hi Vhanon,

    I will try to give you a short version of this, so i won’t bore you to death.
    When we broke up, more than 2 months ago, a huge fight happened. I treated her with indiference. She said that she still love me, that her feelings hadn’t chenge at all and her decision was very hard. I waited 3 weeks to look for her again. I told her how different i always, said i was sorry for everything i done and that if she decided to get back, things would be much better, because i wasn’t blind by my own truth anymore. She said “I don’t love you anymore, i don’t feel anything for you for a longe time before the brake up, and you will never change”. I took the blow and left, decided to move on.

    Less than two weeks later, i ran into her in a partie, where she told our mutual friends that she had said those things to keep me away, but she missed me a lot, loved me still and was suffering too much. We started talking again and she admited those things to my face. I pointed out that it was to clear how badly she wanted to kiss me, always saying in each encounter that i was very happy with my new life, not to rub it in her face, but because i think women want happy men around them, not clingy and needy ones, like i was the next day after the break up. She said “i don’t know what i want”. That was almost three weeks ago, and we stopped talking about us. Sometimes she looks for me to talk about silly things….we treat eachother like friends, and i think that in the other end, she may have this image of me as the most cool guy after a break up, in the hole world. And she seems that way too.

    So she is always changing her mind about how she feels, but not about the break up, even tough we don’t talk about it. Sometimes i just think about kissing her outta nowhere, just to see her reaction. I mean, it is possible that she said, not even two weekes ago “you were the only guy i ever was crazy about. I miss the tenderness we had, the sex…” like i wrote before, just as a friend? Well, it is i guess….. but if i am missing her like this, despite all the good things in my life…..so could she?

    I should just let her live her life. I mean, i’m not being like her old ex. I’m not calling and sending text messages saying how much i miss her. But i feel like she feels for me the same pitty she felt for me.

    The problem is that i feel very alone now, without being atractted by anyone. The “problem” with her, is that while we were together, i knew i was happy, that i love her, and that i would fight for us during our entire lives. I remember thinking “she is just my kind of a woman”. I know i’ll find other and probably even better ones. But there is this feeling that keeps coming back “the longer i wait, farther away she gets”. Sorry, does anything make sense?

    I should give up, right? When things are done, they are done, correct? There is never another chance when a relationship trully breaks, right?

    #68191
    Tyler Sant
    Participant

    Should i try to think about her flaws to help me get over her? Is it a good advice? See, my mind is like a huge roller coaster

    #68190
    Tyler Sant
    Participant

    Maybe she is absolutly certain about her decision, partially because of my behavior? Because i act happy all the time, and treat her like a acquaintance?

    #68189
    Tyler Sant
    Participant

    Thank you again, Anne and Vhanon for your replies. I’m sorry it took me more than a day to answer, it is just that i was trying so bad to avoid thinking about her yesterday, that i didn’t want to come here to talk about her. I had a good day, like most of them are, despite of everything, but all it takes to pound my heart is a picture of her in facebook. i’m so very much afraid of when she starts dating again….i’ll be a huge wreck.

    Well, i am proud of this new guy i am, because i changed for myself in every area of my life, and all of my relationships improved as well. That’s why i think it’s so unfair that i can’t ask her out, so we can laugh together again and fall for eachother again. I know it’s stupid, but i do feel that…..

    don’t know any other ways to bother you guys. I have no one to talk to here. I guess that deep down, i hope for someone to say “that’s a sign that she still wants you back, go after her!”. The emotional gets in the way of the logical.

Viewing 15 posts - 1 through 15 (of 29 total)