What can I say? I have ADHD. I’ve been afraid of being mentally ill ever since my mother started having hallucinations and delusions. Sometimes I notice weird thoughts in my head and I get freaked out just because they’re there even though I clearly know that they’re just random weird stray thoughts. I ask “Why” or “is there any way I can stop that?”. I used to smoke every day to numb myself out and deal with my anxiety and stress. But I made a promise to quit on New Year’s and have kept it so far. When I quit I had all these crazy thoughts and panic attacks. At one point I thought I was going to spontaneously combust into flames. I was always performing some of my first musical gigs in January, I was in college, and I was starting up a new job. That’s a lot. But I felt my confidence slowly dwindle and die away after I made it through January. I was ashamed of how much withdrawal affected me and my sense of confidence was much thinner. I’d spent months in therapy prior to this building myself up, and learning how to let go of the past. I reflect on more recent events now but rarely my life months and months ago. Maybe I’m contradicting myself now…
But so much life has hit me. My mother almost died from some sort of psychotic episode that I initially thought was another suicide attempt. My brain has been full of self-loathing thoughts, worries and fear, and I have been distancing myself. Just yesterday my 7 month relationship ended. I knew why though.. I wasn’t fully happy. I didn’t like how we communicated. I would never try to upset her, but little things I would do that were all symptoms of my ADHD would throw her off the deep end. Without saying a word she would have pretty big reactions and get very upset. I would comment on what she would say and she would think I was criticizing her and shooting her down over little disagreements. But honestly.. I just didn’t feel good enough. I felt so awful for things like not texting her constantly (i hyperfocus on whatever I’m doing and forget I even have a phone), and not wanting to do things with her all the time, or not agreeing with her. But I wasn’t getting what I needed out of the relationship and I knew that. Honestly, I wanted more affection, more touch, more affirmation that I was good enough. I knew that she did think I was good enough. We loved eachother and the reason we let our relationship keep going so long was because we were afraid about if we would be okay by ourselves. I’m still not confident that I made the right choice though, but if I were in the relationship right now I wouldn’t feel confident in the relationship. I wanted more, but I feel lonely now, and I’m going through some heavy stuff. School is extremely tough for me. Maintaining my focus instead of just ruminating like now. But I don’t know I feel. I don’t know if I’m okay. I don’t feel confident in making my own decisions any more.. And I just thought that I was there, I felt like I was there before. but the criticisms I have been getting from other people about the things I have been doing have really brought me down. I don’t want to want anyone else’s approval, because I know that people’s approval and their words have such an affect on me. I just want to feel good enough. I want to be loved, and I want to know that these negative thoughts that jump around in my head aren’t true, but I know it is up to me to develop those beliefs. I’m just scared, and not confident. I’m fighting the situation because I just want to admit defeat. But that would only lead to depression and possibly worse. I do love myself, but I also hate that I have ADHD, and that I am forgetful and inattentive almost all the time. I just want to feel good enough. I tell myself I will be fine and I believe it. I believe that in time I will feel better and I will be happy. I will be comfortable being single again.. But I just feel a sense of dread. I guess I just have to stop fighting it.. I have all these self doubts. What if I’m too selfish? What I’m too self-centered? What if I’m crazy to everyone else and I can’t notice it? Do my friends even like me? Is what I’m doing right? Escaping my own self-judgement seems like an idea. But I have this huge problem with ruminating and overthinking. I just want to stop these spells and live a more productive life. It seems like when I’m not doing something engaging I’m like this, and when I am I forget about the thoughts in my head. I’m tired of numbing myself out with drugs and I wont go back to them, but for the last three years that’s how I coped with these thoughts and ruminations. I want to know that I’m on the right path, or rather, the path that I want to be on.. If I can stop judging and just radically accept that I am here and this is what I am doing.. If I can get out of my head and stop making so many mistakes. If I could be better than what I am…. I just wish that I could get rid of my ADHD tendencies and have a coherent thought process or what not. I don’t even know what I’m really looking for… I’m just confused and lost. I honestly don’t know who I am besides the fact that I am compassionate, caring, kind, mischievous, thoughtful, reflective, passionate, musical, wavering in confidence, and just confused. What is self? How do we define ourselves? We are not our thoughts, but what are we? Why is the world so messed up? Why do less intelligent more ego driven people end up in seats of power? Why do we allow that? Why do we allow racism and judgment to bring us all down? why do we allow this pain to continue? What can I do to help? What can I do to help myself? What can I do to help the world? How can I find happiness? Do I want to change the world or live for myself? So many thoughts and questions and no answers. I’m sorry to anyone who reads this and tries to make sense of it… I just want to succeed in life, keep playing music, surround myself with friends (i feel i’m lacking those lately), have a normal routine that I can actually follow day to day, and find someone that I really love. Can someone let me know if I seem okay?