Hey Bren

I am sorry to hear what you are going through. Listen Bren whatever you did it doesn’t matter right now. Right now you want to change so what’s the point to blame yourself for the past? Or let other judge you from your mistakes? What you do now and how you want to act from this point and on. That stuff only matters.

I had a friend that was arrested a long time ago (no we didn’t stop hanging out because of that). I didn’t mind at all. He was a good man and he was just very confused. We continued hanging out, laughing our hearts out, like it never happened. Other people judged him. I told him to pay no attention. He had the right people beside him, supporting him.

My friend, you need the right people next to you right now. Reach out to them. Fortunately there are plenty of people out there, plenty of therapists! Don’t be afraid because the past does not define you. Is there someone you trust, like an uncle, your parents, an old flame? You should share your feelings about what you did and how it makes you feel. If you keep it a secret will it make you feel any better?

Do you know the story about a man who knew a really important secret but was not allowed to tell it to anyone with the penalty of his life if he disobeyed? He remained loyal to his promise but as the days went by he became more and more sickened by his burden. His skin grew pale, he lost a lot of weight and his voice started trembling. Eventually he was mistaken for a beggar by his dearest friends. Walking randomly outside his city, out in the plains, he saw a cavity on a tree. immediately he rushed his head inside the hole and started yelling his secret inside that tree. After a while, having said everything to that tree, he laid there exhausted, and slept for the first time after a some time, peacefull.

I’m not implying that you should start running and yelling out to trees! But the moral of the story is the same. Share your experience with someone, somewhere that you feel he won’t judge you in order for you to find peace.

Take care my friend
George