Thank you all for your kind words.
Sorry for replying so late, that’s not very nice, i was trying a few times to reply, but even with writing i get blocked and don’t know what to say, if they are the right words…

@Shawnnash, what exactly is cognitive behavorial therapy?
I had, and am still working with dialectical behavorial therapy, which i think can help me but it seems to go very, very slow..

@love-beyond-reason, I don’t know if i understand everything you wrote, i will reread it now and then, maybe it becomes more clear.
I have also recently become more aware that the most important thing i need to do, is to be happy myself, and to do the things i like. So i’m trying to spend more time on those things, which is very difficult for me. I’m good at spending my time at doing useless work, or wasting my time, but to use my time on doing things that i enjoy, that i want to learn, that seems to be very hard. But i keep trying. I am starting to rent a little allotment garden, because i’ve always wanted to grow my own vegetables and don’t know anything about it. At the moment there is a lot of endless work with weeding, so i’m spending time on that. I’m going swimming again and trying to read more again, and other things. But i’m still slipping in my old habit very easily, of doing all other things and not to spend time and these things that i like.
And, although, even when i do some of those things, i’m not getting instantly happy. I guess i can not expect for such old patterns, to change immediately.

What you say, about acting authentic, i seem to have completely forgetten that. Most of the time i seem to be playing some little silly type, or hiding myself because i’m afraid of speaking up for myself. I hope i will find that back how to ‘act authentic’ because i have no idea how to do that.

I find it very encouraging that you became friends with people you were terrified of. I live in a small, sociable town and i’m thinking that one day i want to move somewhere else, because i’m afraid and paranoid of nearly everybody (without any reason for it), that i want to make a new start somewhere (which is escaping-behaviour, not very good) So it is nice to read that it can go differently.

@Will, yes the problem at the moment is that financially i can’t go to these events. I will start working next month and until then i have to be very careful with my money. When i’ll be working, i’m afraid i’ll be tired the whole time. I went a few times already to help, and it is hard for me, i don’t seem to be fit or physical enough, but i was completely tired.
Yes, i do come a long way! With social interaction and with myself, i tend to forget that when i get focused on what is not working right now. It is scary that these states can come back very easily (eg i struggle a lot with self-hatred, and this can come back suddenly, very explosive, like i hadn’t had in years0, i guess that is a sign that i’m not looking after myself well enough yet.

I find it very hard to, like you say, embrace that i’m socially awkward, but i guess you are right. Now i’m expecting from myself to behave like a ‘perfect’ person, say the right things, have the right body-posture… Well, that’s not fun for me and why would other people want to get to know somebody who is obviously full of tension and acting? Only, it is difficult to get rid of this pattern, it keeps happening. I don’t know how to relax around other people and i even stop thinking when i’m around others.