Thank you all for your kind words.
Sorry for replying so late, that’s not very nice, i was trying a few times to reply, but even with writing i get blocked and don’t know what to say, if they are the right words…

@Shawnnash, what exactly is cognitive behavorial therapy?
I had, and am still working with dialectical behavorial therapy, which i think can help me but it seems to go very, very slow..

@love-beyond-reason, I don’t know if i understand everything you wrote, i will reread it now and then, maybe it becomes more clear.
I have also recently become more aware that the most important thing i need to do, is to be happy myself, and to do the things i like. So i’m trying to spend more time on those things, which is very difficult for me. I’m good at spending my time at doing useless work, or wasting my time, but to use my time on doing things that i enjoy, that i want to learn, that seems to be very hard. But i keep trying. I am starting to rent a little allotment garden, because i’ve always wanted to grow my own vegetables and don’t know anything about it. At the moment there is a lot of endless work with weeding, so i’m spending time on that. I’m going swimming again and trying to read more again, and other things. But i’m still slipping in my old habit very easily, of doing all other things and not to spend time and these things that i like.
And, although, even when i do some of those things, i’m not getting instantly happy. I guess i can not expect for such old patterns, to change immediately.

What you say, about acting authentic, i seem to have completely forgetten that. Most of the time i seem to be playing some little silly type, or hiding myself because i’m afraid of speaking up for myself. I hope i will find that back how to ‘act authentic’ because i have no idea how to do that.

I find it very encouraging that you became friends with people you were terrified of. I live in a small, sociable town and i’m thinking that one day i want to move somewhere else, because i’m afraid and paranoid of nearly everybody (without any reason for it), that i want to make a new start somewhere (which is escaping-behaviour, not very good) So it is nice to read that it can go differently.

@Will, yes the problem at the moment is that financially i can’t go to these events. I will start working next month and until then i have to be very careful with my money. When i’ll be working, i’m afraid i’ll be tired the whole time. I went a few times already to help, and it is hard for me, i don’t seem to be fit or physical enough, but i was completely tired.
Yes, i do come a long way! With social interaction and with myself, i tend to forget that when i get focused on what is not working right now. It is scary that these states can come back very easily (eg i struggle a lot with self-hatred, and this can come back suddenly, very explosive, like i hadn’t had in years0, i guess that is a sign that i’m not looking after myself well enough yet.

I find it very hard to, like you say, embrace that i’m socially awkward, but i guess you are right. Now i’m expecting from myself to behave like a ‘perfect’ person, say the right things, have the right body-posture… Well, that’s not fun for me and why would other people want to get to know somebody who is obviously full of tension and acting? Only, it is difficult to get rid of this pattern, it keeps happening. I don’t know how to relax around other people and i even stop thinking when i’m around others.

Thank you for your replies and advices.

Brontec, i agree with you that volunteering and helping others is a very good thing and help create positive feelings within yourself as well.
I have done a lot of volunteering, most time in my life i was volunteering in some way, when i could. The thing is, to do it now, in many cases it would cost money because i live in a small town and not many options here.
I was considering to look for a place to volunteer again, but i’ll start a new job soon, very physical work which left me very tired after my first trial days. Besides that a few little projects of my own, so it would be hard. I hope that after a while i will get used to the work and can find the time and energy to go volunteering again. Because this is something very valuable in my life anyway. Thank you for the suggestion and reminder 🙂

@Ginkosan, yes your are right what you say about the complicated thought patterns! I didn’t even know that that was clear out of my posts here. I have made very complicated and stupid (negative) thought patterns in my head and be keeping repeating them, i made it so that i totally believe them. Now i’m starting to understand that these are just beliefs that i’ve put on myself, but it takes a lot of time to not be so attached to it anymore. At least the motivation is there now.

And, Vipassana! I went for the first time last year, did 2 10-day courses already (too close after each other, not very smart) and i love it! Doing my best to practice it at home, like you say, you need to be patient and persistent. I am very grateful to have found this because i can see that on the long run it can help me in quite a few ways. Definitely will go back, but to serve and to sit, but right now, i think the main thing is to keep practising it at home.

Yes, accepting myself is something unthinkable for me, instead trying to change myself in every way, most of the times when i say or do something, criticising myself and telling myself it should be different.. that doesn’t help.
Thank you for your kind words.

@Blake, yes i think i can be judgemental at times towards other people. And i have noticed, that it usually happens when i’m judging myself extra hard, when i’m not feeling well or forcing myself again to keep going while i’m exhausted.. So kindness towards oneself seems to be equally important. Also, the fact that i barely talk with anyone, keeps me in this isolation that tends to make me think in black or white.
I was wondering what you mean with giving love and kindness to strangers on the street. I try to smile and say hello to people on the street often – but i think you are more talking about intention? Seeing people you don’t know and feeling compassion for them, noticing your own judgements and practice being unjudgemental?
Thank you for your words, i will keep them in mind.