Wow, that is so sad. I’m impressed at how quickly you went from a pattern to the deep, great, true hurt underlying it all. Of course you’re afraid to get close to people. You’ve lost everyone before. And of course your heart lights up like Vegas whenever someone reaches for you. You’re all alone. You need people like we all do.

It must be so hard to be stuck between that need and that fear, and all the while still grieving for your girl. I don’t even know what to say other than, I see your pain. I see the strength you must have to carry it all. Please don’t ever be hard on yourself for anything. You carry so much. And you are doing well.

You ask good questions. How has this affected you? How can you begin again? How can you learn to love and trust again? How can you begin to dare to feel with a heart so bruised and broken?

I’m not going to give you neat little answers. Whatever I could say is just fluff. But I will say that I believe there are answers to these questions, and that you will find them. Because I can see how strong and brave you are, and you will keep looking until they appear.

May you be well. May you be happy. May you be free from suffering.

I’m so sorry about your little girl.