Need new perspective

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    Hi Everyone,

    When someone shows a little bit of interest, my body goes in to this complete obsession route and latches on. It plagues me, my day is affected and moves into my head, identifying with it then playing out the thoughts and emotions in association with it. I have noticed this pattern and at odds at how to try to be with this. I write to you because I desperately need to find neutral ground where I can openly talk about this with and maybe receive new perspective, help. Thank you so much for this site.

    Kind Regards,


    • This topic was modified 9 years, 1 month ago by Susie1234.

    Susie, thanks for sharing! below are some contemplations I have on this topic:

    A rose does not instantly bloom – rather it needs the proper balance of sunlight, nutrition, water, and time. The same is true with both friendships and romantic interests. Every relationship is like a flower — if you rush it and feed it too much or too little water/sunlight (attention) then it will surely die. Perhaps your are skipping the important stages of growth and wishing to jump straight to the bloom? This is not a terrible thing that you have this habit, but I certainly encourage you to break it for (1) your safety (being too trustworthy of strangers and aiming to please) (2) your sanity (you need to filter out unhealthy or unfulfilling relationships).

    Lastly, consider that it is common to want to jump from “harvest” to “full bloom” in today’s society. Patience is in short supply.. However, consider this perspective. When is a flower “perfect”? When it is a seed? a seedling? a stem? a plant without flowers? in half bloom? full bloom? when shedding it’s petals? when dormant during winter? when dead and decaying?.. The answer is, the flower is always perfect as it is… it cannot be in full bloom at all times — likewise, are your life and relationships. They will never be “perfect” so enjoy each moment of the cycle



    Hi Susie,

    You’ve noticed the pattern, so you’re doing well, really. Now you can identify the different links to the chain, and try to create some wriggle room so you can respond in different ways.

    But you sound so panicked when you describe this. They’re only thoughts, they’re not going to injure you. Can you tell us more about why this bothers you quite so much? What are you afraid will happen? What are the thoughts that are hurting you? What’s so terrible about getting worked up about someone giving you attention?


    I lost my baby girl inside my body. She was 8 months old and I was broken in two. I lost my marriage 2 years after and lost everything and everyone I have had ever known. I live 5000kms from my family and have gone through this alone. My heart burns for her right now as I speak. Just sharing this helps me, it has let tears flow from my heart for my girl. I need help and reaching out here has already brought light to what I have been bottling up, thank you so much. I am so scared of losing and shut myself away in fear of losing anyone when I begin to feel a warmth in the friendship, a connection and then other times clinging onto them so nothing will happen to them and the fear of losing them. I cant find my feet many times. I work with people who are caring, this helps me too, just to have company and the feeling of belonging but I have never opened up, fearing getting close and feel I need to really see myself now. She was the dearest most gorgeousness little girl. I miss her so much, I never got to see her eyes open and when my milk came in for her I was watching her being buried at the same time. What has this done to me. how has this affected me in relation to others, how as human beings as a whole. I want to find out so I can return to where my life began, life that began all over again when I lost my child. My heart yearns out and I cry for her now, you have helped me touch something so deep and trapped in paralyzed fear of feeling it.

    With all my heart, thank you.


    Wow, that is so sad. I’m impressed at how quickly you went from a pattern to the deep, great, true hurt underlying it all. Of course you’re afraid to get close to people. You’ve lost everyone before. And of course your heart lights up like Vegas whenever someone reaches for you. You’re all alone. You need people like we all do.

    It must be so hard to be stuck between that need and that fear, and all the while still grieving for your girl. I don’t even know what to say other than, I see your pain. I see the strength you must have to carry it all. Please don’t ever be hard on yourself for anything. You carry so much. And you are doing well.

    You ask good questions. How has this affected you? How can you begin again? How can you learn to love and trust again? How can you begin to dare to feel with a heart so bruised and broken?

    I’m not going to give you neat little answers. Whatever I could say is just fluff. But I will say that I believe there are answers to these questions, and that you will find them. Because I can see how strong and brave you are, and you will keep looking until they appear.

    May you be well. May you be happy. May you be free from suffering.

    I’m so sorry about your little girl.



    Your daughter is a very lucky girl to have known 8 months of such love. You didn’t fail her, dear mother, you shared with her your whole heart and body.

    Friend, don’t try to go looking for a previous Suzie, some pre-mother Suzie. She left when you got pregnant for the first time. Instead, you can accept that you grew from Suzie the woman into Suzie the mother, and even though your daughter never opened her eyes, she opened yours.

    With warmth,


    Thank you very much Christopher, Will and Matt for listening to me and for being there. Your words are felt and I feel out in the open and not so hidden or alone in this anymore.

    My heart, thank you.


    Hi Susie,
    I am so sorry for your loss. 16 years ago I lost a baby girl the same way so I understand where you are. I have always heard that everything happens for a reason and nothing happens by chance. 16 years later, I still don’t understand why I lost my baby girl and why wasn’t I ever given the chance to look into her eyes? I wish I had answers for you… and, truthfully, for myself, too. The only thing I have landed on is that I was able to carry my beautiful girl for those precious months and, though it was far too brief, at least I had that little bit of time with her. She is part of my bigger picture… part of my journey. I wanted so much more for her and for us. It didn’t happen that way. Just like my baby girl, your beautiful girl will always be with you. That sounds very cliche but it is the truth. I always feel my girl with me.

    Christopher, Will, & Matt offer good words and thoughtful advice. You are not alone. This world is filled with kind people. Be kind to yourself.

    Be well.

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