Forum Replies Created
May 26, 2016 at 9:50 am #105694
Further, think of this idea… “a rose needs times to bloom”… likewise romance needs time to gradually bloom.
On first or second date go for a kiss. But as I said I strongly advise keeping the dates short to build some anticipation and romantic tension….. if all the wine is poured out the party is over my friend.May 26, 2016 at 9:48 am #105693
Mully you hit the nail on the head…. David, the other posters are giving you false hope. She has your number if her interest level changed. Do not contact her again
My advice going forward… keep the first few dates short 1-2 hours max. If you spill all the beans of the first date it’s a huge turnoff. Women love a bit of mystery. Not some guy who treats her as the girlfriend on the first date…. it comes across as desperate. She needs to earn the right to cuddle all day/night
ChristopherMay 26, 2016 at 9:42 am #105692
Happiness comes from within. Not from turning a mere stranger into the reason for existence in life. You’re looking for him to bring you happiness which is a recipe for disaster
You need to take him off a pedestral and focus on what makes you happy. What career do you want? Friends? Love is fickle and immensely overrated
He will be attracted to a feminine loving women wwho isnt desperate… desperation can be a turn off.June 9, 2015 at 2:54 pm #77955
Its hard to be in a relationship with someone who isnt sexually and/or emotionally available… Do you really want to be a table dog begging for scraps of love and affection?
My advice is take a step back and let her pursue you more… Definitely get out there and date other women… Make YOUR needs a prioirty, that is what healthy people do. You don’t want to be a caretaker..moreover, she could have simply lost interest and is making excuses because she feels bad or is bored…
Not trying to be mean but my gut says she either lacks interest in you or has mental health issues… Neither of these things can you fix.
June 9, 2015 at 2:47 pm #77954
- This reply was modified 7 years, 9 months ago by Christopher.m.
A flower takes time to bloom.. In this case you guys both rushed into it and killed any chance of a long term relationship… I suggest dating a couple months, let the tension build, and then you will both appreciate the sexual bond more. The anticipation is half of the funMay 26, 2015 at 11:23 am #77314
Hey brother I’m gonna offer the opposite advice… Ignore the teasing, the drama, your coworkers will just feed on that.. That is exactly what they want!!…. Do absolutely nothing and it will rain on their parade. They will be so disappointed that you don’t give a shit.. You’re on to new things and have moved on from that.
The most powerful thing you can do in a lot in situations is nothing… Even better, say “you guys look happy, I sure hope it works out” and smile. That will literally ruin their day.
I’m glad you’re working out and taking steps to better yourself. The next step is to ask a cute girl.for her phone number and forget about these 2 immature peeps…May 26, 2015 at 11:17 am #77313
I’m sorry you’re going through this heartache. You seem like a loyal loving person and that is to be admired… Everyone gets their heart kicked around at some point in life.
That said I want to offer a few suggestions.
1) you need to learn to have firmer boundaries with people, especially lovers. Unfortunately people will often push them as far as you allow them to… In this case he strung you along to a certain extent which made the pain worse. You deserve better than to be someone’s backup plan.
2) you need to love yourself, you’re sanity, and the need for a healthy peaceful life more than this man. Is this really what you want out of your lover? Or is this slightly masochists behavior in the name of the ego?
3) if someone has issues you cannot be their caretaker… I dated an alcoholic and once and tried my best to care for them and change them. You cannot win. You will only suffer
To overcome this heartache I suggest the following
1) daily meditation. 40 min per day minimum
2) set a mini goal for yourself… Such as hot yoga everyday for 14 days. Winning at this mini challenge will boost your confidence tremendously.
3) break contact. No texts Facebook etc…
Best of luck
NamasteMay 18, 2015 at 8:53 am #76919
Thanks for the update… It sounds like you’re doing well. As far as not deserving this girl I disagree. You could do everything right and still lose out at love… Remember this girl is extremely young and is likely going to date many more men before she settles down…
Having your ex love interest nearby at work would test anyone’s patience… This is how it’d handle it personally.
1) I recommend setting a mini-goal such as yoga everyday for 21 days straight. This will be brutual and challenging. But if you make it then you’ll have newfound confidence and perspective. Yoga by its nature FORCES you to stop thinking and concentrate. You will have no choice but to forget about this issue for at least an hour.
2) I want you to invision being married to this girl for 20 years… All the while they she is not loyal, dependable, or loving. You are in constant stress of having to please this person. Hoping they dont stray. Wondering if she married you for love… Even better she starts to criticize you and slowly becomes less attravtive with wrinkles… Is this what you really want? Because that’s where that relationship was heading. You’d be on high blood pressure pills and possibly Viagra in your 40s. No lie man I’ve seen it happen…
3) I suggest you sign up for speed dating. That will be a fun open environment in which you will have a high probability of meeting someone new and interesting.
Hope this helps! Keep up the good fight.May 13, 2015 at 7:35 pm #76737
Great job man. Congrats on setting new goals and reprioritizing. Imo seriously dating a woman that young is very difficult since they havent fully matured yet… They don’t really know what they want until about 25. Between 18-24 they are usually all over the place. You could have been the perfect BF and it still not be enough to keep her loyal or interested.
I’ve done far worse than you as far as trying to convince someone to stay (aka slightly begging). We’ve all been there man. Even the rich and famous get their hearts kicked around. You’ve learned your lesson young and next time a partner starts to flake or date other men you’ll know to bail out. You should consider yourself lucky that you are out of a relationship in which the woman doesn’t love you… Moreover, think of healthy male role models, would Leonardo DiCaprio cry if a girlfriend left him? No, probably not.
I suggest you develop a mindful meditation practice of 20 minutes per day. This will help you keep control of your thoughts and emotions that are understandably all over the place. It will save you untold amounts of energy and suffering… You will be able to see this breakup as it truly is… Without clinging. You will likely smile and have higher confidence then ever once you start seeing things clearly…
I don’t want to repeat myself… But if you really want to make your friend and ex befuddled say something like “oh don’t sweat, everyone gets their heart kicked around someimes…” They will laugh and so will you… Everyone will have even higher respect for you. They will be thinking…”Isn’t he supposed to be mad and devastated? Who the hell is this kid?” …. With an attitude like that you can’t lose. I don’t recommend continuing a friendship with either.. Just say hi and smile but don’t have any conversations or hangouts. Treat yourself kindly and buy yourself a new paid of shoes or a suit. You deserve it and will find a more suitable mate… The sooner you ask another girl out the better, don’t be gun shy or talk about this breakup to new lovers. Just say… It didn’t work out
Hope this helpsMay 13, 2015 at 6:50 am #76708
Also, advice for future dating… When a woman mentions dating another man then never talk to her again. It is a power play on her part and manipulative…. You both could be dating 5 other people and not exclusive yet.. but never bring them up as it will ruin the spark and is extremely disrespectfulMay 13, 2015 at 6:46 am #76707
Good advice inky.
Move on. I’m sorry it happened at the office but you aren’t anyone’s backup plan… In my opinion, the most powerful, vengeful, and paradoxically healing thing you can do is nothing… She expects you to be upset and ask her “why” or try to hold on. Instead, by you saying “OK, that’s fine” (& smiling in her face) you communicate your strength as a person.May 11, 2015 at 4:58 pm #76633
Susie, thanks for sharing! below are some contemplations I have on this topic:
A rose does not instantly bloom – rather it needs the proper balance of sunlight, nutrition, water, and time. The same is true with both friendships and romantic interests. Every relationship is like a flower — if you rush it and feed it too much or too little water/sunlight (attention) then it will surely die. Perhaps your are skipping the important stages of growth and wishing to jump straight to the bloom? This is not a terrible thing that you have this habit, but I certainly encourage you to break it for (1) your safety (being too trustworthy of strangers and aiming to please) (2) your sanity (you need to filter out unhealthy or unfulfilling relationships).
Lastly, consider that it is common to want to jump from “harvest” to “full bloom” in today’s society. Patience is in short supply.. However, consider this perspective. When is a flower “perfect”? When it is a seed? a seedling? a stem? a plant without flowers? in half bloom? full bloom? when shedding it’s petals? when dormant during winter? when dead and decaying?.. The answer is, the flower is always perfect as it is… it cannot be in full bloom at all times — likewise, are your life and relationships. They will never be “perfect” so enjoy each moment of the cycle
NamasteMay 11, 2015 at 4:43 pm #76632
What you are experiencing is completely normal. I applaud you for thinking deeply and contemplatively… The following are some insights I would like to share from my heart.
(1) As much as one has to learn to master oneself & be self-sufficient through meditation, contemplation, etc.. there is still usually a longing to connect with others. In my experience, this is just part of being human.
(2) We are all a MIX of introversion and extroversion… When a wave of extroversion hits me, I don’t judge it as bad but simply realize that I am currently feeling extroverted and my body is yearning for human interaction and experiences. I allow myself to indulge in this feeling unless I have some work to do at home — then, I meditate and refocus my energies on completing the task at hand. Notice, I attempt to be the captain of the ship.
(3) The world is generally a place of beauty and abundance. There is so much to experience on our short time here… On the flip side, you can’t see everything, do everything, taste everything, & drain every experience to it’s last dregs… people that try to see it all end up seeing nothing. For example, a tourist can rush through a museum with a Baedeker, walking quickly and attempting to see everything — but in the end, only leave frustrated and drained of energy. He has seen “everything” but truly experienced “nothing”. If he would have just took the time to truly look at a few paintings that he really liked, he would have left with a fresh perspective on life and perhaps learned something about himself.
(4) Lastly, allow me to share a valuable insight regarding the delicate balance of maintaining one’s personal integrity while interacting with others… In my opinion, other people help us to find out the meaning of life and our purpose… we discover something about ourselves through interacting with other people. Other people can take us to a much higher plane of existence. For example, I never would tried mountain climbing were it not for a friend introducing me to it. I would never have tried Guinness beer were it not for my mother in law.. etc.
(5) The flip side to this is that we must “know ourselves” to some extent so that we don’t get caught up in the sheep mentality and crowd pleasing… For example, I was at the symphony last weekend and a guest performer played Rach No 3 Piano Concerto very passionately and loud. When questioned, I stated firmly that I was blown away… This view was somewhat criticized by my friend whom is an accomplished musician… However, my view didn’t change due to this criticism.. I have a strong enough sense of self and was able to confidently stick to my opinion.. My friend and I laughed about our differences.. He mentioned something I didn’t pick up in the performance and vice versa. Both of us respected each other more because of the honest and straightforward debate.
(6) Another way to think of this — would you do better at Yoga my yourself at home… or at a YMCA with the correct mirrors, a trained yogi, and surrounded by motivated peers? Think about this…. Maybe try both and let me know if this experience reinforces some of what I’m saying….
Hope this helps..
NamasteMay 6, 2015 at 8:57 am #76237
I think we can all identify with what you’re going through. I sympathize and commend you for even making the time to think of it… a lot of people are just on auto-pilot and do not even consider some of the most important questions to ask oneself — such as “why am I doing this? Why am I avoiding that? How do reconcile the viewpoints of others with my own personal integrity…
In response, I offer a few simple idea that changed my life for the better.
(1) Be wary of your own ego — the ego thrives on separation of some sort. Whether it be seeing oneself richer, more spiritual, more intellectual, less mainstream, or less materialistic. Some monks can have bigger egos than those of millionaires. The ego always wants to see itself as “different”. Give things that genuinely interest you in popular culture a chance — if you hate it, then dismiss it but there will be some things you enjoy. For example, I enjoy a Guniness Beer which is extremely popular as well as music from U2. I also love Starbucks espresso.
(2) Having compassion on other people will help you relate to them more — realize that most people are overwhelmed, stressed, and busy fretting over all of their problems. We as humans invariably all suffer from many of the same ills — such as feelings of inadequacy, never being satisfied, and looking in all the wrong places for fulfillment. We all share a common fate as well – being humbled, growing sick, and dying.
(3) As much as we need to develop individually through self reliance, meditation, contemplation, etc — there is the ever present need within our souls to relate and bond with others. Moreover, I believe that we can find out a lot about ourselves through other people. For example, my friend introduced me to mountain climbing — something that I would never have pursued on my own. My wife introduced me to a variety of movies that I would have never watched had she never met me. Hence, the infamous and powerful quote “no man is an island”.
I hope this helps. You seem like a good man!
NamasteMay 2, 2015 at 1:01 pm #76060
I’m sorry for your anxiety and pain but not for that relationship ending as it was clearly toxic. I’m glad you have learned some lessons from this experience. As hard as it sounds, I would not concern myself with what he is now pursuing or dating… Do not look at old photos or Facebook. Etc. This is self inflicted toture.
Honestly that relationship was miserable on so many levels. You should be happy to be free from such a burden. You are not seeing things clearly now as it is a fresh wound. I suggest taking up mindful meditation 20 min per day. This will help tremendously to cut through the haze. You will be able to better control your thoughts and emotions which are all over the place now. If you are active try hot yoga as well… Please don’t waste precious life and energy on this anymore than is necessary
Don’t beat yourself up for not having appropriate boundaries everyone learns this lesson sooner or later. You are young and already learned this important lesson. Next time you will know better… As far as your anger I suggest doing nothing. Do not vent to him. Simply move on. That is the best revenge and will build momentum for your self esteem. He expects you to he upset, don’t give him the pleasure