Wanting female perspective on relationship breakdown

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  • This topic has 9 replies, 8 voices, and was last updated 9 years ago by Kat.
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    It’s messy, as usual, left the wife after years of misery and met a woman who seemed to be the perfect woman. Although I had never been to her house, when I did go there is was chaotic, stuff stacked every where… Actually this didn’t worry me much I just stepped over the mess…love is blind I guess.

    After a while I started to notice behavioural responses which didn’t seem to make sense,, things like I would say to her “I love you” and although she had said many times she loved me as well her response was , ” yes, I understand you do” , ok not the response I expected, this went on for a while, she blamed Aspergers on her inability to show normal emotions, I thought that may be a valid excuse.

    In the end she decided she didn’t want physical,contact as it may lead to having a baby…at this point in writing this..if I was reading this from some one else I may say “open your eyes, it’s over” but still…every time she messages me I am drawn to respond, you see, for some reason I am heart broken, shattered…I just wanted to over look all of the things that made her seem emotionally unattractive and emotionally and physically unavailable…we have seperated now, but when we meet for coffee she wants to kiss me and hold hands , she says she loves my company, but needs her space…”ok” is my response…so “you don’t want me in your space, but want me when you feel like you need me”

    She says she has other priorities, like a child…and can’t make space for me…

    So my question is…why is it when a woman finds a man or visa versa and there is passion and what seems to be love..that it can fade away quickly,, bizarrely we don’t blame each other for the break up, we are very amicable and don’t argue and mostly offer some minimal emotional support in the current situation…but I suffer every day wanting to be with her, knowing that she will on many occasions “reject me emotionally” , she says she want to be spiritual friends, and that maybe I a few years we can be together…I should runaway, I know it…love is insanity, isn’t it?



    Hi myheartbleeding,

    They have a name for people like this: Friends.

    I know exactly what she’s talking about when she says you are spiritual friends. You will always have a connection. You will always think about and support each other.

    But my dear, when she tells you she has Aspergers, has a child/other priorities, doesn’t want physical contact, BELIEVE HER. I’m not even counting the hoarding.

    For your own sanity, cast her in the “Friend” category in your mind, and have NO expectations from this girl.

    She might not become conventionally normal, even if she tried. Don’t try to change her nature. Don’t carry a torch for her, either.




    Dear Myheartbleeding:
    Like I wrote to another poster this morning, I enjoy guessing what might be going on in another person’s psyche- including my own. I am motivated by my efforts to help myself, make my psyche “user friendly” and MAYBE be of some help to another person. Would you like to read my thinking about your post? If you do, here it comes, next paragraph:

    You started your post with: “It’s messy, as usual”- this is a loaded beginning. Relationships are messy as usual- that means to me that your relationship with your primary caretaker, mother, father or both were messy and that carried on to relationships with women as an adult. It means to me that insight regarding the primary relationship/s in your childhood is critical to improving relationships as an adult. It also seems to me that you choose women that are also inclined to add their own mess to your mess (figuratively… and literally regarding the current love interest).

    You close your post with the question: “Love is insanity, isn’t it?” My answer is: no, no, no- love is NOT insanity. The LACK of love is insanity. Every child NEEDS to be loved for his survival. It is when the child is NOT loved that the child will go to any INSANE length to make (the parent) love him, any insane length to keep the delusion that he was loved after all.

    What do you think?

    Take Care:


    Thanks for the replies…I spoke to her last night…and for the first time ever she exposed her feelings..and she is devistated that she and I are not together…due to circumstances…so as it is we both felt the same, but can’t be together..it is as it is…nothing more to do except, heal..

    Rose Tattoo

    I’m sorry you’re going through this. For whatever reason, she wasn’t able to open into relationship with you – whether she was too afraid, or had other priorities that were more important to her. Asperger’s certainly could be part of it. I broke up with a boyfriend recently because he didn’t want the same things out of a relationship, and he still says he doesn’t understand what I mean. I’ve explained over and over and he either doesn’t want to hear it or can’t due to his own baggage. But I’m devastated, too, and I love him very much.

    Her ambivalence (running hot and cold) is not because there’s something ‘wrong’ with you; it’s her own stuff that she needs to work through in order to be open enough to be in a true relationship. Try not to take it personally.

    I wouldn’t count on being together in a couple of years, though anything can happen. See it as a permanent breakup. Heal. Move on. Take a break from contact. And decide what you really want in a partnership. It will probably be some time before you want to date again, but when you do, remember to look for and take seriously red flags like someone having trouble functioning well in other aspects of their life (i.e. hoarding).

    And remember that you’re chemically bonded to each other, so what feels like ‘spiritual partnership’ may simply be the chemicals that make you crave each other. I know it’s hard but try not to make it mean more than that right now. I know how it feels to want someone to be your soul mate or spiritual partner-from-another-plane. But that may make it harder to walk away.

    Sending you both lots of love and healing!


    Hi Rose…thanks for your reply…myself and her meet on wednesdays for coffee and we chat, she is broken up about us…and so am i ,, we both cant seem to let go,,,we tell each other we love each other…and then go our separate ways for another week..i think this must be the worst type of breakup…as in a normal breakup, one person leaves and the others left devistated and suffering.. but in this situation, we both keep comming together and holding each other..as e cant stand the pain of being apart..ive decided im going to write my thoughts in here every few days, just so i can find some release from the high emotion of it all…

    today is a bad day… inside im dying…but i just keep going on, i realise, that as high as love takes me , the opposite applies, and i am falling into darkness…the pain…some days are better than others,,,me and her often talk and share..

    i wonder if not being together if is self imposed,,, and if i can break out of this prison of the mind…

    i wish you the best rose, i hope you find peace..


    The pain your dealing with sounds heartbreaking.
    I have a feeling your both like me and that’s
    codependent. Love doesn’t hurt this bad. The right lady for you won’t put you through this much pain. I think seeing her and talking to each other is just making it all hurt more and the inevitable drag on longer. Breaking up hurts terribly but you both need to find another person to help the hurt not each other. The right love feels great and holding on to this relationship is just holding you back from finding her. Good luck to you! Remember this: Beautiful pictures are developed from negatives in complete darkness. Just like pictures your life may be going through some dark negative times but it’s preparing you for a beautiful future. Hold on to that thought as your heart heals from this pain.

    Bethany Rosselit

    Hi Paul,

    In relationships, it is very important to avoid making assumptions. Ask questions about things she says. For example, be curious and ask, “Why do you say, ‘Yes, I understand you do’?” I wrote a guest post on this, that might be helpful: http://www.pickthebrain.com/blog/communicate-without-making-assumptions/ .



    Its hard to be in a relationship with someone who isnt sexually and/or emotionally available… Do you really want to be a table dog begging for scraps of love and affection?

    My advice is take a step back and let her pursue you more… Definitely get out there and date other women… Make YOUR needs a prioirty, that is what healthy people do. You don’t want to be a caretaker..moreover, she could have simply lost interest and is making excuses because she feels bad or is bored…

    Not trying to be mean but my gut says she either lacks interest in you or has mental health issues… Neither of these things can you fix.


    Oh Paul, you sound like a sweet heart. I know it must hurt terribly, but you should not be with this woman. She may mean well, but she is not trying to meet your needs. If you tell someone you love them and they reply with “I know you do.” it’s a safe bet they are not invested in you. She may love you and want you around but that is probably to fill holes within herself she can only fix herself. There is a woman out there who is whole, will meet your needs, she will tell you she loves you everyday, she will make you feel beautiful, wanted, and secure. You will happily listen to and respect each others’ needs because you know each other are good for reciprocation. Let this woman down kindly and pursue things you’ve always wanted to, really live your life Paul, no one will live it for you. You will be no good for her anyways when you are unhappy.

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