Dear Myheartbleeding:
Like I wrote to another poster this morning, I enjoy guessing what might be going on in another person’s psyche- including my own. I am motivated by my efforts to help myself, make my psyche “user friendly” and MAYBE be of some help to another person. Would you like to read my thinking about your post? If you do, here it comes, next paragraph:

You started your post with: “It’s messy, as usual”- this is a loaded beginning. Relationships are messy as usual- that means to me that your relationship with your primary caretaker, mother, father or both were messy and that carried on to relationships with women as an adult. It means to me that insight regarding the primary relationship/s in your childhood is critical to improving relationships as an adult. It also seems to me that you choose women that are also inclined to add their own mess to your mess (figuratively… and literally regarding the current love interest).

You close your post with the question: “Love is insanity, isn’t it?” My answer is: no, no, no- love is NOT insanity. The LACK of love is insanity. Every child NEEDS to be loved for his survival. It is when the child is NOT loved that the child will go to any INSANE length to make (the parent) love him, any insane length to keep the delusion that he was loved after all.

What do you think?

Take Care:
anita

I’m sorry you’re going through this. For whatever reason, she wasn’t able to open into relationship with you – whether she was too afraid, or had other priorities that were more important to her. Asperger’s certainly could be part of it. I broke up with a boyfriend recently because he didn’t want the same things out of a relationship, and he still says he doesn’t understand what I mean. I’ve explained over and over and he either doesn’t want to hear it or can’t due to his own baggage. But I’m devastated, too, and I love him very much.

Her ambivalence (running hot and cold) is not because there’s something ‘wrong’ with you; it’s her own stuff that she needs to work through in order to be open enough to be in a true relationship. Try not to take it personally.

I wouldn’t count on being together in a couple of years, though anything can happen. See it as a permanent breakup. Heal. Move on. Take a break from contact. And decide what you really want in a partnership. It will probably be some time before you want to date again, but when you do, remember to look for and take seriously red flags like someone having trouble functioning well in other aspects of their life (i.e. hoarding).

And remember that you’re chemically bonded to each other, so what feels like ‘spiritual partnership’ may simply be the chemicals that make you crave each other. I know it’s hard but try not to make it mean more than that right now. I know how it feels to want someone to be your soul mate or spiritual partner-from-another-plane. But that may make it harder to walk away.

Sending you both lots of love and healing!

The pain your dealing with sounds heartbreaking.
I have a feeling your both like me and that’s
codependent. Love doesn’t hurt this bad. The right lady for you won’t put you through this much pain. I think seeing her and talking to each other is just making it all hurt more and the inevitable drag on longer. Breaking up hurts terribly but you both need to find another person to help the hurt not each other. The right love feels great and holding on to this relationship is just holding you back from finding her. Good luck to you! Remember this: Beautiful pictures are developed from negatives in complete darkness. Just like pictures your life may be going through some dark negative times but it’s preparing you for a beautiful future. Hold on to that thought as your heart heals from this pain.

Its hard to be in a relationship with someone who isnt sexually and/or emotionally available… Do you really want to be a table dog begging for scraps of love and affection?

My advice is take a step back and let her pursue you more… Definitely get out there and date other women… Make YOUR needs a prioirty, that is what healthy people do. You don’t want to be a caretaker..moreover, she could have simply lost interest and is making excuses because she feels bad or is bored…

Not trying to be mean but my gut says she either lacks interest in you or has mental health issues… Neither of these things can you fix.

• This reply was modified 9 years, 6 months ago by Christopher.m.