Where is the lesson in this break-up?

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    I was in a 5 year long relationship that ended in a broken engagement. Each of us has moved on and haven’t been in contact since. After managing the initial heart-break of that relationship ending, I met a great guy and decided to pursue things with him to get to know him better. We had a strong physical connection right off the bat. Within a week after meeting he had to leave on a work trip but texted me every day, throughout the day, and routinely sent me pictures (of himself, things he was doing, etc…). When he returned three weeks later he was very interested in seeing me in-person.

    Needless to say, at this point I was completely infatuated by him and excited to see where things could lead. After he returned things began to considerably slow down though. He wasn’t contacting me as much and I was initiating hanging out. The next time we saw each other we still had a strong physical connection but he admitted he wasn’t in a place to start a serious relationship and was interested in continuing a casual friendship in which we could still hook-up.

    I’m heartbroken over this. I took a chance on someone after my last long-term relationship, got my hopes up, and it ended up going no where.

    I’ve decided a non-exclusive “casual relationship” isn’t for me so I’m walking away from this. I’m going to miss seeing him and talking to him, but I’m looking for someone who can invest in me as much as I invest in them.

    Please help me answer these questions:

    1) How do I let myself not feel discouraged about dating again? I really exercised some confidence with this guy and his lack of interest in the end really hurt me. I’m starting to harbor a “why even bother?” mentality.

    2) Where is the lesson in this? What can I do to move forward and to come out of this a better person?


    Dear Courtney:
    You wrote that you had a strong physical connection with this guy right off the bat during the first week of getting to know him. I assume you had a sexual relationship with him that first week…? You also wrote taht a “none exclusive ‘casual relationship’ isn’t for” you. So, maybe the lesson in promoting the goal of having a committed, serious, long term relationship – which must be based on the two parties to the relationship having more than physical attraction, having characters, goals that promote what you need and what- maybe the lesson is to avoid sex until you know more and more about his character and goals. Befirend the man first.

    Don Scott

    Hi Courtney,

    I think I know exactly how you are feeling. I recently went through a breakup as well. I am trying to see the “lesson” in it, and I am failing miserably. Truthfully, I think the lesson is that I need to learn to love myself.

    Before I met her, I was confident, caring, and a hopeless romantic. When we met, I truly thought it was fate, and it seemed like a fairy tale. Now looking back, I didn’t really take the time to get to know her, like I probably should have. This relationship has left me feeling unworthy, lonely, and depressed. Everything I thought that I loved about myself has been taken away.

    I understand your feelings of being infatuated with him. You met someone that you really like, and can see yourself with. You put yourself out there, and I get how easy it is to feel let down, and that you will never find love again. What if a higher power told you “You are going to meet Mr. Right on this date and it’s going to be amazing.” It would make everything so much easier. My suggestion to you, and to myself, is to work more on loving myself, and less on loving another person. We must see the value in ourselves, and trust that we are amazing people, that deserve someone amazing. And it will happen one day. Take your time with getting to know someone, especially being sexual. If he is saying you can still “hook-up”, that is a big red flag to me. To me that proves he was never ready for anything serious to begin with. I’ve learned that anything too soon just complicates the relationship. As a man, yes I know guys are sometimes out for only one thing. But I assure you they are not all like that. Age also has a lot to do with it. Or where they are at maturity wise, rather. It sounds like this is the first person you have dated since your ex. I will say that realistically the next person you date probably isn’t going to be the one.

    Perhaps he thought he was ready for something, then he realized he wasn’t. He could potentially be in the same place that I am. I have been single for just over 6 months. And perhaps I would meet someone amazing, but after a little while I might get scared, I might feel that my last relationship took so much energy from me, that I just can’t do it. And it has nothing to do with you. It’s not anything you did or didn’t do. I am just now feeling I would like to date again, but I also want to be upfront with women I go out with, so they understand where I am at. Already you’ve decided that a casual hook-up relationship isn’t for you. So that right there shows you have learned something already! The next person you meet, you can be upfront about that. Don’t let this discourage you. I know those wonderful feelings of infatuation. I miss them as well. It’s the most amazing feeling on the planet. I’ve never tried drugs, but I assume it’s a similar feeling. You crave that amazing wonderful high, only to be super depressed when it goes away. But know that there is a plan for all of us. That one day you will meet someone amazing that deserves your amazing heart!

    • This reply was modified 9 years ago by Don Scott.

    A flower takes time to bloom.. In this case you guys both rushed into it and killed any chance of a long term relationship… I suggest dating a couple months, let the tension build, and then you will both appreciate the sexual bond more. The anticipation is half of the fun

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